cottage.
‘Have you got time – would you like to come in for coffee?’
Joel looked at his watch.
‘I promise no dope this time,’ she said.
‘Oh go on, just a quick one,’ he said. ‘I’ve got Claire’s mum sitting tonight, so I don’t want to be late for her.’
‘Do you see a lot of Claire’s parents?’ said Kezzie, as she opened the front door and led him into the kitchen.
‘Not as much as I’d like,’ said Joel, taking his coat off, and slinging it over a chair. ‘They’ve been great. They live about an hour away, and they come over when they can. My mum’s got Parkinson’s, so unfortunately she can’t help me as much as she’d like; it’s been brilliant having the back-up.’
Kezzie turned on the kettle, and grabbed two cups from the cupboard. ‘You don’t take sugar do you?’
Joel shook his head.
‘It must be really hard for them,’ Kezzie continued. ‘I mean, I’m not saying it’s been easy for you, but losing a child – that must be terrible.’
‘I know,’ said Joel. ‘So it makes me really happy to see how much pleasure Marion gets when she’s with Sam. He’s kept us all going really.’
He looked so sad when he said this that Kezzie instinctively leant over and touched his arm.
‘It will get better, eventually,’ she said, knowing she was mouthing platitudes.
‘Will it?’ Joel looked bleak. ‘There are days when I think I’ll never get over losing Claire. And then I think I deserve that.’
‘What makes you say that?’ Kezzie was shocked.
Joel leant against the kitchen table with his head in his hands.
‘The truth is, Kezzie, and I’ve never told anyone this – not even Lauren – I’m a fraud. Everyone feels sorry for me, the poor widower, bringing up his son alone. But I don’t really deserve their pity.’
Kezzie gave Joel his coffee, and sat down next to him, putting a consoling arm round his shoulder.
‘Don’t be daft,’ she said, ‘of course you do. You’re coping really well with a rotten situation.’
‘I deserve it,’ said Joel.
‘No one deserves something like this to happen to them,’ said Kezzie firmly, squeezing his arm.
‘No?’ said Joel. ‘I was a lousy husband to Claire, and a useless dad to Sam. There isn’t a day goes by when I wish I’d done things differently.’
‘What did you do that was so bad?’
‘I wasn’t there for Claire when she needed me,’ said Joel. ‘I can see that now. But at the time I thought Claire wasn’t interested. She was so wrapped up in the baby it was as if I didn’t exist. It’s pathetic for a grown man to admit, but I was jealous.’ He laughed hollowly. ‘How crap is that. Being jealous of a baby?’
‘Isn’t that quite common?’ said Kezzie. ‘I know Richard said the same when his daughter was born, but he got over it and you would have. You didn’t know Claire was going to die.’
‘But she did die, and every day I’m left with this terrible guilt, that I let her down and she never really knew how much I loved – love her.’
He looked so desolate Kezzie leant over and pecked him on the cheek. The poor bloke. What an awful thing to happen to anyone.
‘You’re way too hard on yourself,’ she said. ‘From where I’m sitting, you’re doing a great job with Sam. And I can’t imagine you being such a bastard as all that. Sounds a bit like Claire wasn’t always sympathetic to your needs.’
‘I’ve never thought of it like that before,’ said Joel.
‘Well, you should,’ said Kezzie, sipping her coffee. ‘I’ve had friends with baby brain, and they go off the planet for months, obsessed with the way their little darlings are behaving. It’s infuriating for a friend, so I can imagine how frustrating it is for a partner. Point is they get over it and Claire would have done. You were just unlucky, that’s all.’
‘I suppose you’re right.’ Joel toyed with the cup in his hands. He only looked half convinced.
‘I am,’ said Kezzie. ‘Do you think Claire would really want you to go through the rest of your life moping? What’s done is done. Learn by it and move on.’
Joel looked up at her and smiled, as if something had suddenly dawned on him.
‘You are amazing, Kezzie,’ he said. ‘I’ve never known anyone like you.’
She felt a little thrill when he said that. It felt like a long time since a man had paid her a compliment and she was flattered. She gave him a quick hug as a thank you, and then pulled away, feeling shy and awkward, but Joel pulled her back. It was a long time since she’d been held by anyone and it felt warm and comforting, and right. The months of aching empty loneliness seemed to fade away as she looked up into Joel’s eyes. She was aware of the stubble where he hadn’t shaved, and the heavy musky scent of him. She had the sudden heady feeling that she wanted him very badly. So when he leant over and brushed his lips against hers it seemed natural to respond, and suddenly they were kissing with a passion that she’d forgotten she was capable of.
For a few moments Kezzie was lost in the kiss, without thinking about the consequences, but as she withdrew, panting slightly, it dawned on her this was a mistake.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Not that it wasn’t nice. Or that Joel wasn’t lovely, because both were true. Joel was the first man she’d kissed since Richard, and it was good to know that all the parts were still in working order. But it couldn’t work between them. They were too different. Kissing Joel was a big mistake.
Joel must have clearly thought the same, because he broke away from her abruptly.
‘Sorry, I shouldn’t have done that,’ he said. He grabbed his coat and rushed out of the house, leaving Kezzie spinning.
Chapter Sixteen
Kezzie timed her arrival at work the next day for after Joel had left. She felt on the whole it would be better to ignore the events of the night before. It had been stupid and naive of her to invite him in for coffee, but she’d come to think of him as a mate, and really hadn’t factored on him thinking of her differently. It was just loneliness and boredom that had led them both to cling to one another. Much as she liked Joel she didn’t think they were right for each other. And she doubted that he was thinking of her as anything other than one of his many conquests. From what Lauren had told her, Joel had spent the last year going out with half the women in the village, and she was probably just the latest.
‘Way too much baggage,’ she said out loud, as she wheeled a laden barrow down the path.
Now that Kezzie had gone through all Edward’s designs, she had been able to work out her own, and today she planned to peg it out, so
