if I did take this foolish step, God would not bless me, and I would have leisure hereafter to reflect upon having neglected his counsel, when there might be none to assist in my recovery. "Now," said I aloud, "my dear father's words are come to pass: God's justice has overtaken me, and I have none to help or hear me: I rejected the voice of Providence, which had mercifully put me in a posture or station of life wherein I might have been happy and easy; but I would neither see it myself, nor learn to know the blessing of it from my parents; I left them to mourn over my folly, and now I am left to mourn under the consequences of it: I refused their help and assistance, who would have lifted me into the world, and would have made every thing easy to me; and now I have difficulties to struggle with, too great for even nature itself to support, and no assistance, no help, no comfort, no advice." Then I cried out, "Lord be my help, for I am in great distress!"
This was the first prayer, if I might call it so, that I had made for many years. But I return to my journal.
June 28. Having been somewhat refreshed with the sleep I had had, and the fit being entirely off, I got up: and though the fright and terror of my dream was very great, yet I considered, that the fit of the ague would return again the next day, and now was my time to get something to refresh and support myself when I should be ill; and the first thing I did, I filled a large square case-bottle with water, and set it upon my table, in reach of my bed; and to take off the chill or aguish disposition of the water, I put about a quarter of a pint of rum into it, and mixed them together; then I got me a piece of the goat's flesh, and broiled it on the coals, but could eat very little. I walked about, but was very weak, and withal very sad and heavy-hearted under a sense of my miserable condition, dreading the return of my distemper the next day. At night I made my supper of three of the turtle's eggs, which I roasted in the ashes, and ate, as we call it, in the shell; and this was the first bit of meat I had ever asked God's blessing to, even, as I could remember, in my whole life.
After I had eaten I tried to walk; but found myself so weak, that I could hardly carry the gun (for I never went out without that): so I went but a little way, and sat down upon the ground, looking out upon the sea, which was just before me, and very calm and smooth. As I sat here, some such thoughts as these occurred to me:
What is the earth and sea, of which I have seen so much? Whence is it produced? And what am I, and all the other creatures, wild and tame, human and brutal? whence are we?
Sure we are all made by some secret Power, who formed the earth and sea, the air and sky; and who is that?
Then it followed, most naturally: it is God that has made it all: well, but then it came on strangely; if God has made all these things, he guides and governs them all, and all things that concern them; for the Being that could make all things, must certainly have power to guide and direct them.
If so, nothing can happen in the great circuit of his works, either without his knowledge or appointment.
And if nothing happens without his knowledge, he knows that I am here, and am in a dreadful condition; and if nothing happens without his appointment, he has appointed all this to befal me.
Nothing occurred to my thoughts to contradict any of these conclusions; and therefore it rested upon me with the greater force, that it must needs be, that God had appointed all this to befal me; that I was brought to this miserable circumstance by his direction, he having the sole power, not of me only, but of every thing that happened in the world. Immediately it followed,
Why has God done this to me? What have I done to be thus used?
My conscience presently checked me in that inquiry, as if I had blasphemed; and methought it spoke to me, like a voice; "Wretch! dost thou ask what thou hast done? look back upon a dreadful mispent life, and ask thyself what thou hast not done? ask, why is it that thou wert not long ago destroyed? why wert thou not drowned in Yarmouth Roads? killed in the fight when the ship was taken by the Sallee man of war? devoured by the wild beasts on the coast of Africa? or, drowned here, when all the crew perished but thyself? Dost thou ask, What have I done?"
I was struck with these reflections as one astonished, and had not a word to say, no, not to answer to myself: but rose up pensive and sad, walked back to my retreat, and went up over my wall, as if I had been going to bed; but my thoughts were sadly disturbed, and I had no inclination to sleep; so I sat down in my chair, and lighted my lamp, for it began to be dark. Now, as the apprehensions of the return of my distemper terrified me very much, it occurred to my thought, that the Brasilians take no physic but their tobacco, for almost all distempers; and I had a piece of a roll of tobacco in one of the chests, which was quite cured, and some also that was green, and not quite cured.
I went, directed by Heaven, no doubt; for in this chest I found a cure both for soul and body. I opened the chest, and found what I looked for, viz. the tobacco; and as the few books I had saved lay there too, I took out one of the Bibles which I mentioned before, and which, to this time, I had not found leisure, or so much as inclination, to look into; I say I took it out, and brought both that and the tobacco with me to the table.
What use to make of the tobacco I knew not, as to my distemper, or whether it was good for it or no; but I tried several experiments with it, as if I was resolved it should hit one way or other: I first took a piece of a leaf, and chewed it in my mouth, which indeed at first almost stupified my brain, the tobacco being green and strong, and that I had not been much used to it; then I took some, and steeped it an hour or two in some rum, and resolved to take a dose of it when I lay down; and lastly, I burnt some upon a pan of coals, and held my nose close over the smoke of it, as long as I could bear it, as well for the heat as the virtue of it, and I held almost to suffocation.
In the interval of this operation I took up the Bible, and began to read; but my head was too much disturbed with the tobacco to bear reading, at least at that time; only having opened the book casually, the first words that occurred to me were these: "Call on me in the day of trouble, and I will deliver, and thou shalt glorify me."
The words were very apt to my case, and made some impression upon my thoughts at the time of reading them, though not so much as they did afterwards; for as for being delivered, the word had no sound, as I may say, to me; the thing was so remote, so impossible in my apprehension of things, that I began to say as the children of Israel did, when they were promised flesh to eat, "Can God spread a table in the wilderness?" So I began to say, Can God himself deliver me from this place? And as it was not for many years that any hope appeared, this prevailed very often upon my thoughts: but, however, the words made a very great impression upon me, and I mused upon them very often. It grew now late, and the tobacco had, as I said, dozed my head so much, that I inclined to sleep; so that I left my lamp burning in the cave, lest I should want any thing in the night, and went to bed; but before I lay down, I did what I never had done in all my life: I kneeled down, and prayed to God to fulfil the promise to me, that if I called upon him in the day of trouble, he would deliver me. After my broken and imperfect prayer was over, I drank the rum in which I had steeped the tobacco, which was so strong and rank of the tobacco, that indeed I could scarce get it down. Immediately upon this I went to bed, and I found presently it flew up into my head violently; but I fell into a sound sleep, and waked no more, till by the sun it must necessarily be near three o'clock in the afternoon the next day; nay, to this hour I am partly of the opinion, that I slept all the next day and night, and till almost three the day after; for otherwise I knew not how I should lose a day out of my reckoning in the days of the week, as it appeared some years after I had done; for if I had lost it by crossing and recrossing the line, I should have lost more than a day; but in my account it was lost, and I never knew which way.
Be that however one way or other; when I awaked, I found myself exceedingly refreshed, and my spirits lively and cheerful; when I got up, I was stronger than I was the day before, and my stomach better; for I was hungry; and, in short, I had no fit the next day, but continued much altered for the better: this
