One study became the basis of a best-selling book, You Just Don’t Understand, by Dr. Deborah Tannen, a professor of linguistics at Georgetown University. In tracing the socialization of boys and girls, Dr. Tannen points out that we start developing distinct ways of interacting with our friends during childhood. Girls play in small groups or pairs where intimacy is key and the center of their social life is a best friend. In games and other activities, rules are flexible, negotiable, and changed by group process. Boys’ activities and games are hierarchically structured, with a leader who tells others what to do. Their activities have winners and losers and elaborate systems of rules and procedure.
Although each individual is unique and no generalization will apply to every case, it seems that the patterns we developed in childhood continue to operate for many of us as adults. The implication is that women are oriented toward one-on-one, interpersonal relationships, while men get along with each other to achieve individual and group goals in the interest of team spirit.
Since the tips and techniques throughout this book were developed, tested and passed on to readers of this book from the perspective of a man, readers with a “feminine” interaction style need to make some minor adjustments in how they approach networking to fit their style: forming intimate relationships with a few trusted “friends.” This does not mean you have license to only network with a few people. It means it will most likely take you longer than it might take for others to build your networking cadre. All the well-established principles of networking apply, just at a different pace, if that is your comfort level.
Worthy of note: for both men and women, several factors influence how you approach networking. Certainly, your personality, interaction style and temperament play a big part. At opposite ends of the personality spectrum consider the “reserved” personality versus an “unabashedly outgoing” style. Generally, reserved people are relatively quiet in groups and hate going to events by themselves or talking to people they don’t know. They are likely to network by asking for referrals from people they already know and reach out to others reluctantly, unless there is a specific agenda initiated by another person. The unabashed outgoing type would call the Queen of England without thinking twice if it achieved a worthwhile goal. So if you find me suggesting a technique that you can’t imagine yourself doing, don’t do it—yet. There’s always another route you can take. The point is to do something to get you started and keep you moving. Over time, you will need to think about stretching and pushing yourself a bit. And after a while, I hope you will gain the confidence to try those networking moves you never thought you’d be able to do.
The next attribute we need to discuss is your networking energy.
“How will you go about achieving your desired results? The answer to this you can call strategy.”
–William E. Rothschild, Corporate Strategist
Chapter 3
SHAPING YOUR
NETWORKING STRATEGY
Identifying Your Networking Energy
Yes, it takes energy to network because the actions and activities you pursue while networking are usually outside your normal frame of reference of work, home, family, leisure time, etc. So look subjectively at yourself to see how you might fit into one of the following four networking energy categories.
The Laid-back Networker
If you identify with this style, you are likely to have a relaxed, go-with-the-flow attitude toward life. You adapt easily to a variety of situations. You like spontaneity and are not very driven by discipline and detail. You probably have many friends and acquaintances, because you are so easy to get along with. You often live in the moment and are generally satisfied with your life.
With this networking energy you are not all that rigorous about setting goals and making plans. However, if an opportunity presents itself, be sure to respond. Being affable, accessible and easy to talk to, you are likely to find people coming to you with networking opportunities. You need to be sure to recognize this as an opportunity and pursue it with interest and commitment and follow-through. You need to be careful here, as opportunities to network effectively can easily be overlooked because one of your laid-back characteristics is to be open and unfocused. And you often need prompting to make commitments and to follow through. Knowing this, you should allow your sense of “opportunity management” to kick in. This style can be very effective as you have little to do other than recognize opportunities and be mindful of your considerable strengths . . . and perhaps weaknesses. You have the ability to manage to your benefit and the benefit of others.
Beyond one-to-one networking, use your laid back style to provide “informal” leadership in your company. If you are asked to be part of a special project, go for it—even if it means putting in some extra hours. Recall: one of the special advantages of your networking energy is that you are so easy to get along with. In a group setting this characteristic will be noticed by others and people will naturally want to associate with you. This will make whatever ideas and contributions you choose to share with the group meaningful, often with little effort on your part, because people are already receptive to your energy style. Likely, your participation will also open up additional networking opportunities as people identify with you. As compared to other energy styles discussed below, your problem will be which opportunities to pursue, not trying to get your networking engine started.
The Involved Networker
If this suits your personality, you are probably interested in a wide range of things and you are curious to find out as much as you can about them. You join groups and pursue activities because you like sharing ideas, information and experiences. You enjoy connecting with others as well as making a contribution to whatever you participate in. You might pursue something that may or may not have networking potential for you because you enjoy learning and interacting with others. You generally have an inquisitive nature. Therefore, you are prone to ask questions to find a common ground for discussion or a continuing relationship. This is an asset you should not overlook.
Whereas people having other networking energy styles might miss an opportunity because they do not probe beyond the surface of a situation, you are likely to uncover an opportunity that is not only a surprise to you but a good fit for your networking goals. Also, use your ongoing curiosity to advantage: When you meet a company colleague or outside business person, use your curious nature to ask questions to find common ground. Learn about the other’s capabilities and areas of expertise, and be sure to share your own. Certainly, people are more interested in people who are interested in them.
They will remember your sensitivity and caring, even though they might not ask you much about yourself. When this occurs (and it occurs more often than perhaps you would like it to), don’t be perturbed about their not asking about you—tell them about yourself anyway. Some personality types need to be led. Once you open the door to their learning things about you that you would like them to know, they are more likely to ask questions to learn more or to clarify what they have already heard.
Being interested in other types of personality, you will be careful not to brag about your accomplishments and things that are important to you. The simple difference between bragging and telling is that one who brags puts the conversational emphasis on how something that happened made the story teller feel. A good story teller, on the other hand, concentrates on relating the facts of the story,
