has a hole in its pocket when it comes to either anger or money. Outer must spend.
Outer loves chocolate and convinces you that bingeing on it is good for your heart. Likewise with wine.
Outer is the hidden “Chuckie” of the personality. Even the nicest people we know overreact like a 10-year-old with a full-blown conduct disorder (perhaps not in public) when they feel even slightly rejected, dismissed, abandoned.
Is a drama queen
Outer thrives on crisis and chaos.
Outer enjoys playing the victim; that is, when not playing the martyr.
Outer underreacts when a friend steps on your toes, pretending to be gracious—“Oh, that’s all right”—but holds on to resentment for decades.
Outer uses crying as a manipulation. But this ploy is so automatic, primitive, and unconscious, if you call Outer on it, it cries louder.
Outer provokes anger in its subtle ways and then accuses the other person of being abusive.
Outer loves to play the injured party.
Outer acts submissive so it can seethe at being dominated.
Loves distraction
Outer makes huge messes that take forever to clean up. Outer distracts you from things you’re trying to get done.
Outer uses projection as a defense. Outer projects your shortcomings onto other people to keep the heat off of itself.
Outer is like Cleopatra: Queen of da Nile. In fact, denial is Outer’s favorite defense mechanism. If all else fails, just deny it.
Is uncompromising (for no good reason)
Outer is a fairness-junkie. It fights valiantly for what it considers fair. Outer has been known to commit injustices (or declare war) in the name of fairness.
Outer can be a perfectionist. Perfectionism, for Outer, is a form of bargaining: Outer is saying, “If I do this perfectly, I merit a reward.” Outer’s perfectionism contains a built-in vise grip; if you don’t get rewarded, Outer’s iron fist may protrude through its velvet glove.
Outer can be self-spiteful—make you miserable in order to punish someone else. For instance, Outer can keep you heartbroken forever just to prove the injustice of the breakup. As illogical, primitive, and totally self-defeating as you know this to be, Outer continues its spiteful siege against you.
Is completely devoted—to itself
Outer is devoted to its own self-interests. Outer is the self-centered part we all share; it’s just that some of us hide this selfish part better than others.
Outer is reactive rather than active or reflective. It is defensive rather than open to feedback, self-justifying rather than self-aware.
Loves the blame game
Outer specializes in blame. When Outer loses something, it blames it on one of your children.
Outer revels in taking other people’s inventory. It has a negative attraction to their faults. Outer happens to be especially obsessed with and intolerant of other people’s Outer Children. If you have an uncomfortable feeling, Outer needs to find somebody else at fault.
Outer enjoys making the other person wrong. Sometimes Outer makes the other person pay (even though he may be entirely innocent).
Outer talks about your friends behind their backs. Outer hates it when your friends talk behind your back.
Is a master of disguises
Outer acts pure and innocent to show other people up.
Outer will use almost any diversionary tactic, no matter how convoluted or unattractive, to keep your vulnerability out of sight. For instance, Outer hates asking for either help or directions. It would rather get you frustrated or lost.
Because your Inner Child so fears abandonment, your Outer Child developed a pleasing persona—but the only reason to please anyone as far as Outer’s concerned is to prevent them from rejecting you. Outer finds someone who is easy to take for granted and then treats her badly since it no longer has to worry about being abandoned. When this fear is dormant, your true personality can emerge; you no longer have to charm and seduce the other person.
When Outer does something mean or selfish, it hides behind altruism, moral superiority, righteous indignation, and benevolence.
Outer can express your anger by becoming inconveniently passive.
Outer has a favorite disguise: compliance. Outer uses compliance to confuse others into thinking it doesn’t want control. But don’t be fooled—Outer Child is a control freak.
Outer has a split personality—it splits its personality between home and office: nice at office, a tyrant at home . . . or vise versa.
Outer is an award-winning actor that believes its own act. This makes it challenging to recognize the true face of your Outer Child or anyone else’s. Since other people’s Outer Children are so well disguised, you may have thought you were the only one with an Outer Child.
Outer tries, but the truth is, you can’t hide your Outer Child from your spouse or children. They get to see the real you—bad habits, tirades, and all. In fact, we could redefine intimacy as the mutual exposure of our Outer Children.
Is demanding
Outer is a people pleaser with ulterior motives. It will give others the shirt off your back. But what does it expect in return? Everything.
Outer seeks emotional salve from others.
Outer can’t stand waiting, especially waiting for that special someone to call. It loves to test new lovers to the limit. One of its favorite games is hard-to-get. Rather than endear you to your lovers, though, Outer’s games leave your partners confused, agitated, and fed up.
Outer is always looking for love insurance and refuses to believe there is no such thing. For instance, Outer might chase after someone who is very hard up and become his “caretaker” in hopes of becoming so valuable that the poor slob will never want to leave you. But this strategy backfires like all of the others; you wind up abandoned again.
Wants it, and wants it now
Outer is highly principled, but the only principle it obeys is the pleasure principle.
Borrowing from author Elizabeth Gilbert in her memoir Eat, Pray, Love, when heartbroken, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.
When it comes to self-improvement programs, Outer wants to skip the work and get straight to the benefits. Outer prefers to learn in pill form rather than have to do something constructive, like go through the steps of a linear process (like this program). Outer lies back, holding out for the next magic pill.
