or choice. Instead, the person’s way of being in the world shifts. In academia, we use the word “ontology,” which means the nature of being. When a woman in leadership feels silenced, her way of being changes. The movement is slow and subtle, but eventually, she will become aware of it and wonder, Who have I become? How did I get so far off track? How do I become me again?
I eye the basket of toys on her shelf and consider reaching for one as I wait. As a researcher, I have become more comfortable with the awkward starts and stops as executive women try to explain to me what it is like for them to feel silenced and how they manage not being a silencer of others. On this particular spring day in May 2016, the silence is so pregnant with meaning that I hold the heavy quiet until she leans forward and speaks to me again.
“None of us are whole or perfect. We all carry these damn invisible backpacks!”
She shifts between animation and reflection as she describes what it means to have power as a leader but feels powerless while still having a title. “Power is real, and we don’t all have it. And we don’t all have it consistently. We have to think purposefully about when we silence, in particular, women. We have to think about how that harms.”
1.
Richard L. Johannesen, “The Functions of Silence: A Plea for Communication Research,” Western Journal of Communication, 38, no. 1, (1974): 25–35.
2.
Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Restoring the Character Ethic (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1989).
3.
Laura Whitworth, Co-Active Coaching: New Skills for Coaching People toward Success in Work and Life, second ed. (Mountain View, CA: Davies-Black Pub., 2007).
4.
The Enneagram can be seen as a set of nine distinct personality types, with each number on the Enneagram denoting one type. It is common to find a little of yourself in all nine types, although one of them should stand out as being closest to yourself. “The Peacemaker Enneagram Type 9,” Enneagram Institute, Accessed March 2, 2018 from: https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-9/.
5.
Paul Schrodt, PhD, professor of communication studies, conducted a meta-analysis involving more than 14,000 participants. His findings revealed the silent treatment is tremendously damaging. It decreases relationship satisfaction for both partners, diminishes feelings of intimacy, and reduces the capacity to communicate in a way that’s healthy and meaningful. Paul Schrodt, Paul L. Witt, and Jenna R. Shimkowski, “A Meta-Analytical Review of the Demand/Withdraw Pattern of Interaction and its Associations with Individual, Relational, and Communicative Outcomes,” Communication Monographs 81, no. 1 (2014): 28–58.
6.
“The Facts Behind the #metoo Movement,” retrieved February 1, 2018 from http://www.stopstreetharassment.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/Full-Report-2018-National-Study-on-Sexual-Harassment-and-Assault.pdf. GfK conducted the 2,000-person survey online using the Knowledge Panel, the largest probability based online panel that is representative of the general population. Stop Street Harassment (SSH) commissioned this study. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention defines sexual violence as “a sexual act that is committed or attempted by another person without freely given consent of the victim or against someone who is unable to consent or refuse.” This is inclusive of forced sex acts, as well as unwanted non-penetrative sexual contact, or non-contact unwanted sexual experiences.
Chapter 2
Who Is She?
I began to learn that I needed to go into every situation with armor on—assuming that I would be attacked. I had to be ready to defend myself rather than being collaborative and open and, you know, furthering the company. It really was armoring every day.
—Marketing Executive
I ring the doorbell and stand on a well-manicured porch. I hear the sounds of workers inside the home mingled with a dog barking. She answers the door dressed in a sweatshirt, jeans, and comfortable shoes. The women in my research have agreed to meet me in many different places—homes, corner offices, restaurants, coffee shops, and virtual workspaces. I have driven to other states to hear their stories, and I have transcribed hundreds of hours of interviews. From California to the Philippines—the silenced female leader has raised her hand upon hearing about my research. As a writer and social scientist, I have many problems. Finding women to talk to me about their experience with silencing is not one of them. Hands raised so quickly; I struggled to respond to every interested participant. When I replied and asked for an interview, I often heard positive exclamations—a sense they were chosen. They were going to be heard.
Kris is a marketing executive with two master’s degrees and a background that includes start-ups and experience working for a major American multinational information technology company headquartered in California. As I set up for the interview, we meet in her study and are joined by her lap dog. Her furry canine looks at me with those dewy dog eyes that make most people feel gooey inside. There have been several dogs glued to their human moms during interviews. They sensed the conversation was essential and believed they were needed. It was indeed true this particular afternoon.
As was my custom, I launched into a logistical explanation of my research and began with a background question after clicking the button on my recording device. This particular leader entered into the conversation with a genuine readiness. It was almost like she was desperate for me to ask her the right question as no one else had yet. She had a story to share, and my first two questions turned her faucet to a steady pour. Her eyes teared up before she could get her entire background stated for the record. Like many other women I meet and interview, the emotion from silencing cannot always be contained. When someone tugs on the right string, the body responds in multiple ways.
There are lots of ways we silence each other. I can interrupt someone mid-sentence or gesture in a way that cuts someone off. I can talk over, occasionally make another person’s idea one of my own, or be sarcastic in a way that shuts someone up. In our excitement, carelessness, anger, or state of being fallible human beings—we silence each other. Most of the time, we shake it off, laugh at it, roll our eyes, get over it, and move on. Such is life, and we learn early, not everyone is a good listener, and not everyone is interested in our thoughts and opinions. These small occurrences or one-offs do not change the way we are in the world. They do not cause our existence to shift as I spoke about in chapter 1. I can still be my genuine self with my authentic voice after someone accidentally, or even intentionally, silences me.
The silencing that causes a change in how we are in the world, that causes us to show up as silenced, versus just a little ticked, is what I call viral silencing. When we experience an egregious event or patterns of micro-aggressive behavior over prolonged periods, it gets deep into our system and can permeate or spread. Micro-aggression can come in the form of a statement, action, or incident that may be regarded as indirect, subtle, or unintentional. Comments can be benign on the surface but be discriminatory and painful deep inside. This pervasive penetration if not mitigated,
