data, the ones farthest away have created beliefs about reality based on past experience and kick out all facts that don't fit the frame they've already created, and the ones in the middle try to mediate between the never changing and the always changing.
What's important about this regarding change is to understand that our minds instantly jump to stories, assumptions, conclusions, and beliefs, which can be dangerous if we get caught up in our interpretation of the situation and lose touch with the facts themselves.
You can begin to become aware of your mind doing this by noticing what habitual stories you tell yourself in times of change. Here's mine: Let's say a client cancels a day-long training due to budget tightening. Instantly my mind leaps to, “I'm going to end up a bag lady on the street,” which, not surprisingly, sends me into panic. Welcome to the contents of my mind.
Your mind may do similarly unhelpful things—perhaps something like, “I knew this would happen because he's a manager and managers can't be trusted.” Or, “It's all my fault because I am worthless.” Or, “This shouldn't be happening because I deserve better.” As soon as our minds do their jumping up the ladder, we start reacting from our assumptions rather than the facts. In my case, I am now in a panic, a most unhelpful and in this case unnecessary state of mind, since the facts are that it's only one day that's been canceled and I have other business.
That's why, as soon as you become aware that a wave of change is coming your way, the first thing to do is get down to the bottom of the ladder. It's more stable there. That means getting all the facts you can about the situation and resisting the impulse to jump to assumptions or conclusions. Take a tip from Sir Arthur Conan Doyle: “It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data. Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suit facts.” Often the facts aren't as bad as our stories about them. And even if they are, once we know the truth of the situation, we can more effectively respond to it.
Tim Gallwey, author of The Inner Game of Work, has developed a great set of questions for gathering the facts of current reality which I've adapted here. I suggest that you sit quietly and write down your answers (or ask someone to quiz you), acting as if you were a newspaper reporter—just the facts without any conclusions.
You don't necessarily have to answer all the questions. Depending on your situation, some will be more relevant and helpful than others. The point is to gather as much factual information as you can.
What's happening? (I'm spending more than I'm making. I've been using my home equity line of credit to make up shortfalls between my income and expenses.)
What do you and don't you understand about the situation? (I haven't looked at what the gap number is and where my money is actually going.)
Do you need more information before taking action? (I need the facts before I make a plan.)
What have you been trying to control here? (I've been trying to control the situation by not eating out, but that's not making a big enough difference.)
What is beyond your control? (The fact that I can't tap my equity line of credit anymore.)
What could you control right now that would make a difference in how you're feeling and/or your situation? (I can get the numbers and brainstorm ways to tighten my belt. I can work out so I feel at my best.)
For added help in getting clear about where you are, also consider these bonus questions from author Mark Nepo:
What keeps coming up, though you keep putting it down? (I keep thinking I should sell the motor home, even though I don't want to.)
What are you needing to attend [to] but don't know how? (I need to talk to my children about what's going on in a way that doesn't scare them. I saw a good article on that.)
Now that you've done your investigation, you should have a clearer understanding of the facts of your situation and perhaps an idea of how to begin to move forward.
Acknowledging the plain truth is the first step in acceptance. It doesn't mean you have to like what's happening, simply that you acknowledge reality. And, as spiritual teacher Byron Katie likes to say, it's no use arguing with reality because it wins every time.
How Have You Contributed to the Situation?
“When Bud lost his job, he immediately couched it—for everyone else and for himself—as ‘I got laid off,’” explains his wife, Mary. “But the truth is, he got fired. Yes, his firm did eventually lose some key contracts and downsize, but the reason he was the first to be let go was because he'd been told again and again that he wasn't working fast enough. He's very methodical and meticulous, which works brilliantly in certain industries, but not in the sports business, which is very fast paced. He was stubborn, refusing to even consider finding ways to move things along more expeditiously. I always wonder if he would have recovered quicker if he'd been able to actually admit what happened, rather than getting stuck in victimhood for nearly five years.” Don't pull a Bud. How have you contributed to the situation? What about feedback you've had from others—is there a grain of truth there? You're strong enough to face the facts and learn for the future. The truth can set you free.
What Other Information Do You Need?
Knowledge is power.
—Sir Francis Bacon
Fred walked into the kitchen and told Brigitte, “I'm sorry, but we're going to have to sell this house, and if we can't, we're going to lose it. There's nothing else we can do.” Brigitte burst into tears. This couldn't be possible. This was her dream house that they worked so hard for. She had had no idea there was a problem. How could this be happening? She was not going to stand for it. They began to fight, and Fred ended up storming out of the house.
This scenario played out between a couple, but the underlying dynamics happen all the time in businesses large as well as small, particularly in layoffs and restructurings. Some folks have more information than others. The ones in the know have been thinking through options and scenarios for a while. During that time, they may even be telling the other people involved that “everything's fine.” Then they come out with a fait accompli, leaving the people receiving the message to feel broadsided or even deceived.
If you're on the Fred side of the story and haven't announced a change yet, consider giving the people involved a heads-up. That's what the nonprofit my brother-in-law works for did. They said there might be layoffs in three months depending on donations. That allowed my sister and him to prepare, emotionally and financially. When you give the heads-up early on, you also allow for the possibility that others may bring creative ideas to the situation that you hadn't considered. For instance, maybe your staff is willing to take reduced hours or a two-week unpaid vacation so that no one needs to be laid off.
You also create more buy-in when you involve people in thinking the situation through. Maybe Brigitte would have been more willing to give up the house if she'd been part of the conversation earlier on. At the very least, when you announce a required change, be sure to offer a context for your decision—what you thought of and why you came to the conclusions you did—so the others have a chance to get up to speed.
If you are on the Brigitte side, you may have no choice about how or when you receive the news. But you can be aware
