know what you know, want what you want, and not want what you don’t want.
Don’t underestimate the simplicity of the prompts and practices. Each one builds on the previous one and represents your on-going evolution, guiding you to more of what you want in your life and relationships, not just with her, but with yourself and in the greater world.
Writing is powerful, and it’s good for you. It helps you acknowledge, cope with, and resolve that which you struggle with. It’s both the medicine and the sugar.
Writing clarifies, reduces stress, helps you solve problems from an intuitive, creative place, and helps you integrate what you’re learning. It’s one thing to consume information—it’s another to act on it.
It takes courage to do this work. Intense emotions may come up as you make your way through the journal. You might find yourself feeling everything from guilt to anger to grief, but I hope you will also experience joy, laughter, and relief.
Note: If doing any of these practices is uncomfortable or distressful in any way, stop. Also, know what I share in this book can be an effective companion to therapy, but it is not a replacement for it. If you are in therapy, you may want to share these practices with your therapist.
Should I do this with her?
No. You can, of course, but I suggest you do the work on your own, at least at first.
Does she have to be alive?
No. This isn’t so much about the two of you as it is about you making some choices about how you want to show up in the world. This is about your future, and not just in relation to her (whether she’s alive or not). If she is no longer here, shift the tense of the questions to suit the situation.
I don’t want to have to talk to/see/interact with her. Are you going to suggest that I should?
Absolutely not. For some women, choosing to not have her in their lives is the very best choice. You can, however, make these kinds of choices from a loving, proactive, powerful place, not from a reactive, defensive place, for your own sake. There is an option to reinitiate contact if that is what makes sense for you, and this guided journal will help you decide and take the appropriate action.
She is/was abusive and violent. Am I supposed to forgive and forget?
No. This work isn’t about putting up with or approving of any type of abuse, whether it happened long ago or is happening now. It’s about learning how to tell the story about what happened in such a way that it no longer hurts or minimizes you, but rather empowers and liberates you. It’s about learning how to establish healthy limits and boundaries (up to and including no longer seeing or speaking to her).
Forgiveness is a concept that is misunderstood and too often applied in situations where one or both parties aren’t ready. Don’t force or shame yourself into forgiving. Work toward developing your own standards of what is okay or not okay, based on your values (there are plenty of prompts in the journal that will help you do just that).
The only forgiveness I recommend is self-forgiveness.
She is/has [insert addiction, mental illness, or personality disorder]. This won’t work because of that. She doesn’t or seemingly can’t respect my boundaries.
It may not work for her. She doesn’t have to do it, and she doesn’t have to know that you are doing it. Her disrespect doesn’t mean that boundaries don’t work…or that you’ll be a failure at setting them. It simply means you are being invited to respect yourself.
How is this guided journal different than Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration?
This journal is designed to help you create a reference for yourself, based on your needs, values, wants, and preferences, not hers. And while this book includes some of the same prompts and practices, it expands on them and includes many more. It also opens the door to mothers who wish to take a deep look inside. I wanted it to be more inclusive, to bridge greater understanding, and to create healing on both micro and macro levels.
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If you are interested in my guidance as you work through this journal, please send me an email: [email protected]. I offer one-on-one coaching to mothers and daughters (separately or together).
1. Give yourself as much time as you need/want. There’s no rush.
2. Engage with compassionate objectivity, and examine yourself and your relationship with fascination and curiosity, rather than harsh judgment, shame, and guilt.
3. Don’t judge what comes through. Don’t censor or analyze your words or yourself as you write.
4. When a prompt asks you to consider your thoughts, keep this in mind:
Thoughts are simply the 50,000 to 70,000 interpretations, sentences, judgments, and opinions that run through your brain every day, all day. They are merely sounds, words, stories, and bits of language.
5. When a prompt asks you to consider your emotions, how you feel or felt, keep this in mind:
Emotions are energy in motion—vibrations in your body that you can feel physically—that are usually described in one word. Happy. Sad. Angry. Scared. Happiness has a vibration. Anger has a vibration. Sadness has a vibration. Fear has a vibration.
So when asked how you feel or felt, take a moment to quiet your mind, tap into the sensations in your body, and use one or two simple feeling words.
For example:
I felt grief.
I felt delight.
I felt enraged.
Note: I felt like she should have known better. Or: I felt that she was disrespectful. These are thoughts.
6. If she is no longer here—that is, if she has died—change the question and or tense of the question to reflect that.
7. For simplicity’s sake, from here on out, rather than overusing the words “mother” and “daughter” I will mostly use the words “her” and “she,” which you can apply to your particular situation.
Intend (verb): to direct the mind on
No matter where you are in your relationship with her, whether she is alive or not, whether you speak to her or not, your intention is important because it will serve as a touchstone throughout this guided journal.
Try not to think of your intention as a goal. Your intention is more about who you want to be in the relationship and in the world versus what you want do or a specific outcome that involves her.
There’s an old saying: be careful what you wish for. I’d like to state it this way: be clear and honest about what you want.
Don’t
