to put yourself first, or even to love, accept, or care for yourself
Believing it is your responsibility to take care of others, emotionally speaking
Thinking that your desires and preferences don’t matter
Not having a clear sense of who you are and what you want
And if you do know what you want, feeling incapable of doing or having it
Having weak or nonexistent boundaries
Being afraid to speak your truth and take up space
If you identify with any or all of these, it’s not bad news. You may believe that this is just the way you are—that it’s set in stone and unchangeable. Or maybe you understand that you can change it, but it feels overwhelming and near impossible to do so. Besides, you might not have had a great role model for being the woman you want to be. I used to feel the same way, until I learned (and more importantly practiced) the concepts I lay out in this book.
Does my mother have to be alive in order for me to get something out this?
No! This book and the lessons, concepts, and exercises aren’t so much about the two of you as they are about you making some choices about how you want to show up in the world. This is about your future, and not just in relation to your mother (whether she’s alive or not).
I don’t want to have to talk to / see / interact with my mother. Are you going to suggest that I should?
Absolutely not. For some women, choosing to not have their mothers in their lives is the very best choice. What I want for you is to have made choices from a loving, proactive, powerful place, not from a reactive, defensive place.
My mother was abusive and violent when I was a child. Am I supposed to forgive and forget?
This book isn’t about putting up with or approving of any type of abuse, whether it happened long ago or is happening now. It’s about learning how to tell the story about what happened in such a way that it doesn’t hurt or minimize you, but rather empowers and liberates you. It’s about learning how to establish impeccable boundaries so you can put a stop to the abuse, if it is still happening.
I’ve taken everyone else’s advice for years to no end. You can’t possibly know my mother!
My job isn’t to tell you what to do. My intention is simply to guide you in having your own back…in learning how to trust yourself implicitly when it comes to your relationship with your mother—or anyone else.
How is what you do different than therapy?
Therapy and coaching can coexist beautifully together, but their approach and focus are different.
1 Most therapy is diagnostic and clinically treats people with psychological disorders or mental illness. Coaching can pick up where therapy ends and starts with the premise that the client is okay and full of potential. Coaches do not diagnose or treat mental illness.
2 The goal of therapy is to take people from a dysfunctional state to a healthy, functioning state. Coaching helps highly functioning people get to the next level so that they can have a more meaningful and satisfying life.
3 Most therapy is focused on the past, using childhood to explain current problems. Coaching focuses on the present, the future, and the belief that you do not need to continue focusing on the past in order to feel better and move forward.
4 Therapy asks “Why?” As in, “Why do you think, feel, and behave the way that you do?” Coaching asks “What’s next for you? How do you want to feel? What obstacles are standing in the way of you feeling that way?”
5 Therapy is usually a long-term process. Coaching is typically short-term.
6 Therapists are licensed professionals in a highly regulated industry. Coaches are not.
7 Therapy assumes the therapist is the expert. Coaching is an equal partnership.
Speaking from my own experience: therapy helped me identify the “pathology” of my past (“Your anxiety might stem from having a narcissistic mother.”), which was helpful, but I continued to believe that my capacity for joy and my potential remained impacted by my mother. That it would be a “sad reality” for the rest of my life.
My experience with coaching showed me that I could choose otherwise, but I had to be ready to hear this. Coaching helped me take responsibility for my future. When we have dreams/goals and are having a hard time fulfilling them, it’s often because we still have unconscious stories we’re telling ourselves about what is possible.
An Invitation
How can I work with you?
If you’ve been through the therapy and have read all the books—if you’re done looking back with dread and want to look forward, focus on what’s possible, and have fun while doing it—I invite you to join Mare: A Re-Mothering Community (https://www.kclanderson.com/mare-community/). It’s like an interactive advice column that will help you practice and integrate what you’ve learned (“make it real”) and help you take those next steps you say you want to take, cheer you on when you take them, and hold your hand when things don’t go the way you wanted them to.
Mare: A Re-Mothering Community is…
a space where women who have read (or are reading, or who want to read) Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide For Separation, Liberation & Inspiration can gather to share their stories, practice the tools, and get support and coaching from me;
a secret Facebook group;
weekly writing prompts;
access to my Impeccable Boundaries For Your Life & Relationships eCourse; and
monthly recorded group coaching calls via Zoom; and a place where you don’t have to go it alone.
At the very least, I encourage you stay in touch. The best way to do that is to subscribe to my weekly love note https://www.kclanderson.com/subscribe/.
Chapter 4 Living in Either/Or Land
When it comes to your relationship with your mother, does it often feel like an all-or-nothing, either/or proposition? Maybe you feel that you have to either be defensive, resistant, and protective of yourself, or instead just roll over and let her do and say whatever she wants.
Or maybe it feels like you either have to keep your conversations shallow and surface-y or go right into the emotional deep end.
Then there are times when you think you either have to shut her out of your life for good or allow yourself to be enmeshed with her forever.
None of these options feel good. In fact, just thinking about it wears you out.
Having felt this way in my relationship with my own mother, and having worked with other women on this issue,
