will want to be aware not only of the “lighting” of your ceremony—how the church or garden is actually illumined—but also of what additional light you choose to bring into it. Words are light to the mind; music is illumination to the spirit; light of the incandescent bulb and the flame are light to the eye and the inner eye, respectively.
In Ceremonial Flourishes, I have included some special rituals with candles; but you will also want to consider what, overall, is the role that you want light to play in your ceremony, and what is the message you wish to have conveyed by it? Do you want an outside ceremony, conducted under the afternoon sun, indicating that you are willing to submit your marriage to the scrutinizing light of day? Or do you want a nighttime, candlelit ceremony, emphasizing the mystery and the romance?
Would you like to have the entire congregation light small candles at a particular juncture of the ceremony (for example, just before you recite your vows), so your promises may seem to be made more vivid by the flood of light? Would you like to have each of your guests, upon entering the church (or meadow or synagogue), light a small candle which they can then leave at the entrance to greet you when you walk out as a married couple? Or to pass a single lighted candle from one to another until finally the officiant will install it (symbolically holding the flame of everyone's light) in a candlestick on the altar?
Would you each like to walk in with a candle (symbolizing your individual light), then ignite a single candle on the altar with the two of them? Or light candles together, symbolizing the illumination that is possible in union? Perhaps you would like each pew or row of chairs to be marked off by a candle, so that in entering the church the bride will walk down a pathway of light.
Light fills our souls with a sense of the infinite light. So enlighten yourselves, your guests, and your life, by flooding your wedding with light!
MUSICAL CONSIDERATIONS
Music has great power to draw us together, to touch us deep in our souls, at the place far beneath where language begins. In fact nothing, not even the setting, will do more to create the mood and spirit of your wedding.
The spoken portions of the ceremony will resonate their meanings to a higher and lovelier degree when they are set off by music. Music creates a meditative and reflective mood and, when juxtaposed with the spoken word, enables you and your guests to feel even more deeply the meanings of what is being said. Music is particularly effective as a kind of meditative punctuation after the readings, the address, and the exchanging of the vows.
Choose each musical selection as an expression of some unique aspect of your relationship, a reflection of something you've experienced together or of the hopes you hold for your marriage. There are, of course, numerous traditional wedding selections: the march from Lohengrin, the “Hawaiian Wedding Song,” and “Promise Me.” If these don't suit your fancy or reflect the depth of your feeling, or if they fail to create the kind of ambiance you have in mind, make your own selections. Don't be afraid to use something totally exceptional—a song you write or sing yourself, a Broadway show tune, something you heard on the radio last week, or your favorite Brahms intermezzo. Of course there are different musical genres—classical, popular, jazz. You may feel inclined to stick to one theme, but, again, allow the music to be a reflection of your feelings and your preferences.
Above all, the music should have meaning. If you know a singer, songwriter, composer, flautist, or guitar player, it would be lovely to include their original talent in your wedding. Don't be afraid to ask; it's an honor and a pleasure for most musicians to perform, even if they're not first-rate professionals. Let the love they express through their gift, and your love and appreciation for them, be a touching part of your ceremony.
Along with the music you include to delineate each step in the unfolding of your ceremony, consider beginning your wedding with a small concert or serenade. If you can, feature live music, although recorded music is fine, and can be a boon, especially if you're featuring a specific piece—an aria by Caruso, “your song” as a couple, or your favorite symphony. But, because you're looking for the heartfelt for all aspects of your wedding, if you can possibly arrange it, go for the real thing—the singer you know, a local harpist, the live piano performance.
Finally, be realistic. You probably don't have room for the New York Philharmonic. If that tiny chapel you've both decided is perfect doesn't have a pipe organ, be willing to settle for a piano or a string quartet. Also, check to make sure that whoever performs will actually have enough room to do so comfortably.
Let the music play on! Allow it to touch you, to bring you and your guests together, to be a magical veil of beautiful sounds that floats through your wedding like a breeze.
TO REHEARSE OR NOT?
Should you have a rehearsal? The answer really depends on you (and the advice of your officiant). If your ceremony involves several people, if you have very young attendants, or if you're feeling anxious about the choreography of the wedding or who will be doing what when, you should definitely schedule at least one rehearsal. The rehearsal can be quick and easy, a walk- and talk-through of each part of the wedding, with the bride and groom, all the attendants, the officiant, and the musician(s) all taking their places, practicing their movements, and being apprised of what each participant of the ceremony is supposed to be doing.
Usually by the time you've run through the ceremony twice—which you can probably do in an hour and a half—everyone will start to feel comfortable. If you go through each step of the ceremony on-site, you will discover whatever details still need to be dealt with: Is the bride clear about when and how she will enter? Who will hold the rings? the bride's bouquet? Who will manage her train, if there is one?
Everyone with a speaking part in the ceremony should be reminded to speak slowly, clearly, and loudly enough for everyone to hear. If they read too quickly or slowly, the beautiful pieces you've chosen won't have the impact you hoped for. Again, a public practice could be useful.
The rehearsal is also the time to discuss seating arrangements with the ushers: Will the bride's family be on the left and the groom's on the right? Or will people sit wherever they wish? If the bride's and groom's guests will be divided, assign the ushers to one side or another at this time.
Most couples think they won't be nervous at the ceremony, but often they're more nervous than they expect, anxious that everything will come off as scheduled. For some people it is the fear of speaking in public; for others it's being the center of attention. Oddly enough, though, it's this touch of tension that gives a wedding its emotional authenticity—the blushing bride and jittery groom reveal to each other and everyone else that this isn't just a performance. It's a heartfelt, life-changing occasion.
If you are afraid of speaking in public and all you want to do is silently stand there and say, “I do,” you can still create a personalized wedding. Write out the pieces you want the officiant or others to say. And if you do want to say something yourself, I strongly suggest you have notes nearby; notes are a good security net. More than one couple has regretted not having a written reminder of the lines they worked so hard to perfect, and no one expects you to have it all memorized.
Also, be aware that due to nervousness, your fingers might swell. If you're having a ceremony with rings, you might have trouble placing them on each other's fingers. Being mindful of this will help you stay calm if you do have difficulty. In anticipation, you might just want to agree that instead of trying to put the rings on the appropriate fingers during the ceremony, you'll just slip them onto each other's pinkies until you've walked back down the aisle.
And if during the actual ceremony, people (including
