his new love, was a tenured professor.
Such revisions are only the tip of the iceberg. Each day, in love, you will be faced with decisions and choices, invited to make compromises which represent a willingness to meet your beloved halfway on the playing field of love. Thus, you may find yourself adapting to uncomfortable schedules or meticulous (or sloppy) housekeeping habits (the proverbial toothpaste folded up wrong—or far too perfectly), taking vacations you never imagined (but ended up loving anyway), preparing foods you never even liked, or entering into financial arrangements that stretch your equanimity to the limit.
A compromise—what you do for love—needs to be just that: a conscious revision of your own preferences. As such, it becomes a creative, imaginative act, an opportunity to expand, to experience life in a new and surprisingly beautiful frame. But above all, it shows you the depth of your love. For when we smooth off the corners of our own dogmatic priorities, we reach toward one another. In so doing we see that love, the deep recognition of the soul of our beloved—and not all the endless particulars of life—is truly the most important thing there is.
ATTEND TO THE UNFOLDING
Your relationship is constantly in a state of evolution. Like the river, ever moving, you can never step into the same current twice. When you “fall in love,” there are certain things that draw you to a person, hook you in, connect you, and then, as time goes on, things change. You change. He or she changes. The way you were together is changed—through aging and illness, by external events (earthquakes, drops and gains in the stock market), and internal revisions (emotional and spiritual awakenings), or by the direction that, because of personal or economic necessity, you find your mutual life taking. (He had asthma; we moved to New Mexico. She lost her job; we joined the Peace Corps.)
You may have had an idea of what you wanted your relationship to look like, the direction you hoped it would take; but life and its surprising little tricks will probably tease you off your intended path. As it does, the actual events and external circumstances you face will also become a map of what's happening to you and your beloved inside your relationship.
Paying attention to what's happening, therefore, and communicating about it, is of the utmost importance. It will keep you real. It will also keep you in conscious contact with each other—and with all the changes your partner may be going through as his or her individual life (and your mutual one) unfolds. Keeping in touch (and being aware of each other's feelings) is the stuff that intimacy is made of. If you stop paying attention (or communicating), you may lose the feeling of deep connection that lies at the heart of love.
But paying attention also has a larger purpose. Life is shaping us all the time, and we are being constantly invited to move toward the deeper layers of ourselves—and of life itself—through all the experiences that life doles out to us. In a similar way, as your relationship unfolds, it is asking you to expand. For example, you may be being asked to express yourself more—to cry, to get angry, to say the things you were afraid of saying—or to find a way to go deeper together—to join a discussion group, to meditate, to pray.
But whatever you do, life and your relationship are constantly inviting you to change. If you're not paying attention, you may miss brilliant opportunities—to make more money, to embark on a new career, to open your heart, to create a deeper sexual relationship, to expand the reach of your love.
So always notice what's happening—to yourself, to your heart, to your mutual life, and, above all, to your beloved—so you won't miss a single chance to spice up, shore up, deepen, enhance, or renew your marvelous relationship.
LIE IN THE ROSE PETALS
Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could just say, “Come lie with me in the rose petals,”—if you had the rose petals to lie in, if you had enough time to lie down, sweetly, deliciously, in them, if you had the beautiful imagination to whisper such words in the first place.
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