There Once Was a Prophet from Judah
Biblical Limericks for Fun and Prophet
Jeff Carter
Foreword by Joel Landon Watts
There Once Was a Prophet from Judah
Biblical Limericks for Fun and Prophet
Copyright © 2018 Jeff Carter. All rights reserved. Except for brief quotations in critical publications or reviews, no part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without prior written permission from the publisher. Write: Permissions, Wipf and Stock Publishers, 199 W. 8th Ave., Suite 3, Eugene, OR 97401.
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paperback isbn: 978-1-5326-3818-3
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Manufactured in the U.S.A. March 6, 2018
To my wife and kids who still love me more than I deserve and whom I love more than I can say – though I’ll keep trying.
“It is the test of a responsible religion or theory whether it can take examples from pots and pans and boots and butter-tubs. It is the test of a good philosophy whether you can defend it grotesquely. It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it.”
G. K. Chesterton All Things Considered
Foreword
Chesterton, I believe, said that any religion we cannot laugh at, shouldn’t be believed. This may sound counter intuitive, but in today’s age, maybe laughing at our beliefs will lead to a wonderful examination and a revival of sorts. Or another way to think about holy humor. . . remember the passion plays of medieval times—I know some of you do, because you were there—they were not completely dire tales. I suspect the original languages include a fair amount of humor, especially the Hebrew. How else would you survive exile after exile except for faith in God and some humor along the way?
Don Marquis famously said, “There are three types of limericks: limericks to be told when ladies are present; limericks to be told when ladies are absent but clergymen are present; and LIMERICKS.” I suspect most of these would fall into one of those categories or the other. Just. . . well, knowing Jeff somewhat. . . be ready to laugh inwardly, feel bad about it for a moment, and maybe laugh outwardly. You should be ready to learn a little about your boundaries as well. The limericks below represent years of laborious study, working, and reworking until that moment when all humor has been sucked dry off the page. It is okay, however, as that seems to be the goal—to suck dry at the well of humor found in Scripture, until Scripture no longer sucks.
It is my deep honor to present to you—to commend to you—limericks that should be read and included in most of your daily readings. Just, for your sake, and for Jeff’s, do not use them in the liturgy. One final note: This is not a bible translation. There is no message here. Just love God, read these limericks, and for the sake of all that is holy—laugh! Laugh, human, laugh!
—Joel Landon Watts
Genesis
Let There Be Light
You may think it exceedingly odd
that in the very beginning God,
starting out on day one,
made light before the sun.
Something about this story is flawed.
Genesis 1:3–19
The Serpent Was Blessed
Quiet your vexed vocalization.
The serpent was no aberration.
The good Lord called it forth
gave it value and worth,
a subtle part of God’s creation.
Genesis 1:24–25
Genesis Dilemma
After procreating with my wife,
there are still some commands for this life:
I have to figure out
what it means to rule trout,
owls, and cows. I can’t handle this strife!
Genesis 1:28
He Was Really Lonely in that Garden
Adam had to face reality:
while the animals had parity,
he was left all alone
with no one he could bone
unless he tried bestiality.
Genesis 2:18–20
Ohhhh get over it. Limericks are supposed to be rude.
Besides, that’s nothing compared to what Rabbi Eleazar said about Adam alone in the garden before the creation of Eve. Rabbi Eleazar, a Talmudic sage, interpreted the Genesis story this way: “This teaches us that Adam had intercourse with all the animals and all the beasts, but he was satisfied only when he had intercourse with Eve.”1
Flesh for My Bone
The first man, Adam, lived all alone
with no one he could count as his own.
The animals could mate
in their natural state,
but for the first man there was none.
So Yahweh became the first surgeon
to make for the man one of his own.
With a wound in his side
Adam said with great pride,
“This one at last is flesh for my bone.”
Genesis 2:18–23
Well that’s a Different Kind of Boner
Was it a rib from the man’s sternum
that
