was years ago. I’ve tried to do the best I can with what I’ve got. And you’ll struggle to find someone who I’ve really upset in life. I’ve not annoyed anyone or battered anyone. If we’re being really honest, I used to do a little bit of robbing when I was younger . . . nothing big . . . you know, toffees, chocolate.
SAKSHI: That’s okay.
SHIVANI: Yeah, that’s like when you were a kid, so it’s fine.
HARASH: For us, it’s important that we should have a meeting with your parents. You think that’s possible? Your parents, in the next meeting?
KARL: So would they come here, or would you come to theirs . . . ?
SAKSHI: Either way. Whatever suits you better.
KARL: Right. And it’s the same sort of questioning to them?
HARASH: No, no, no questioning . . . Just so we know.
SAKSHI: We like when the family is involved. Since we are also very family-oriented, we would like to meet your extended family.
Extended family?! Even I’ve never met them. My mam and dad have never met Suzanne’s mam and dad either. I don’t see the point. I chose her and she chose me, so why drag other people into it? Research shows that arranged marriages last longer, and I wonder if it’s down to the fact that it’s other people putting you together, like when a family member buys you a gift it’s not easy to throw it away, as there’s a chance they’ll come to visit and ask where it is and get upset when you say you’ve binned it.
HARASH: How marriage do you want to take? English-style marriage, or church-style marriage?
KARL: Now, this is an important bit cos . . .
SAKSHI: In the Indian culture, you know, you just get married once in a lifetime . . . hopefully. So a lot of people like to go all-out, and they’re very extravagant about it, and it’s not a one-day affair, it’s like a couple of days.
KARL: Well, I’ve never even had a birthday party. Ever. I don’t really go out in big groups. You know how people go out, sort of seven or eight people . . .
HARASH: Then marriage will be like this. You can invite your parents from England, and a few people from our family, ten to fifteen people, then we go to the temple, church, whatever it may be. And let the priest announce, both of you husband and wife and . . .
It had all got a bit out of hand. It was too late now to announce I had Suzanne at home. I’d only spoken to her a few hours ago about a problem with the boiler. I might have a five-bedroomed house, but no matter where I live I always end up with boiler problems. She has no idea that I’m with some woman and we’re talking about getting married. It’s madness how quick they decide. I’ve waited at the doctors longer than this. I can’t believe how easy it is too. I didn’t even have to use any of Vinnie’s chat-up lines, not once have I had to chant ‘It’s not gonna suck itself’. I kind of agree that meeting a potential life partner shouldn’t be as difficult as we make it at home, but I really didn’t know anything about her. No wonder Bollywood love stories have all the singing and dancing. It’s to pad it out, otherwise they’d meet, get married and have kids in twenty minutes flat.
HARASH: So, now, before you leave would you like to fix up a time with her for tomorrow for lunch or dinner, so that you spend a couple of hours together to know each other better?
KARL: I’ll have a chat with . . . erm . . . because I’m not sure where I’m meant to be tomorrow, so I’ll find out . . .
If we did go for a coffee I think I would have taken longer deciding which coffee I wanted than Shivani did to decide what man she wants to spend the rest of her life with. I agree that too much choice can be a bad thing. Coffee, for example, we used to be able to just ask for a coffee and get one, whereas now it’s latte, cappuccino, frappuccino, decaf, espresso, mocha flat white and all that. There’s even a coffee now that is fed to some kind of monkey, digested and then pooed out for a richer flavour. What is going on? Honestly, just give me a Nescafé instant. I left and thanked everyone for a nice evening. Shivani said I should text if I wanted that coffee.
Because so many couples get together without really knowing each other in India, detective agencies are a thriving enterprise. It’s common practice for the family to pay someone to follow the potential partner to check if everything they said was legit. As mad as it sounds, I guess because marriage is talked about so early, this is a bit of quick research. I’d like the locals to record their version of the Craig David song ‘7 Days’; they’d be singing about moving the gran-in-law in by Friday.
I met with the boss of one of these agencies and was told I was going to spend the day with a detective following a guy who was supposed to be getting married soon. He gave me a photo of the fella and a profile similar to the one I had filled out the day before. It said that he was on a wage of 35,000 rupees, didn’t smoke, didn’t drink and was vegetarian. It was my mission to follow him for a while to see if he was true to his word. I was looking forward to my little job, as I like people-watching. I prefer watching people to actually having to deal with them. I’ve always been like that. I was never one for having loads of mates when I was younger. I think that’s why I didn’t do that well at school. If I’d had more mates I could have copied their work and got better grades. My teacher always accused me of not thinking before I spoke, but looking back I wonder if I did this cos I spent a lot of time alone and it made my own company more interesting when I didn’t know what I was going to say next.
Being a detective reminded me of some school homework I was given to keep me busy over the Christmas break one year. We were asked to observe an activity and then make a pie chart from the information collected. Some kids counted the cars that passed their house between certain hours and then presented the most popular colour of car in a chart. Someone else did something about how many different meals were made from one bag of potatoes. I gave myself a little mission of tracking a neighbour called Mrs Knowles. She was an old woman who lived alone and didn’t go out much, so I thought I’d make a pie chart showing how many minutes a week she was away from her home. I also took note of any visitors. She only ever wore two cardigans, pink and blue, and my research showed she wore the blue one more often. On one day when I hadn’t seen much movement for a while, I pushed a newspaper through her letterbox but left it hanging out a bit, so if she pulled it through I’d know she was okay. In all my time in school this was one of the only things I ever got a good mark for. After that, my teacher used to ask how Mrs Knowles was keeping and if she was getting out more. I like to think I came up with Neighbourhood Watch well before it had been created.
The boss of the agency said I would be partner to Detective Aakash. He looked like a detective from Miami Vice: smart-casual jacket, jeans, shoes and shades. I got some coffee and cake from the café next door to the detective agency to keep our energy up during the case. It’s also the sort of thing you see detectives do in films when they’re on a mission.
Trying to find a person in such a heavily populated place was not going to be easy. I thought I’d seen the bloke we had to find about seven times just on the walk to Aakash’s car. Luckily, one
