know I didn’t find anyone who could’ve been a potential partner at the pheromone party, but that’s because they weren’t there that night. If it was that easy I probably wouldn’t believe in it so much, but I’m sure if I attended a few of those events I would find a match. And to be fair, the women my nose picked were pretty good. If anything, the problem was they were too good. My nose has high standards. I don’t think it realises what sort of face it’s attached to. But I do think smell is one of our strongest senses and is there to help with the big decisions in life. It’s not just for smelling the boiled ham in the fridge to check it’s not off. Eyes can’t be left to do all the work when choosing a partner cos they change their mind far too often. I remember my eyes liked the first iPhone. They thought it looked futuristic and had nice curves, then a new one came out a year later and they went right off the old one. Yet I’ve always liked the smell of Apple products and that hasn’t changed. It’s pretty rare to go off the smell of something. It made me wonder if the reason why marriages are arranged in India is because people can’t really trust their noses to pick a partner. They never get to know the real smell of a person due to all the spicy food they eat.
When it came to planning a wedding, the way I’d want to do it, it seemed important that smell would play a part. I also liked the simplicity of the drive thru wedding with no frills, fuss or guests. So what better place to have a low-key, cheap wedding than a launderette? A couple called Angie and Jon were happy to give my unique style of wedding a go. Charolette from the Little White Wedding Chapel was going to do the service to make it all legit. I popped on the suit I’d bought in India and headed down to the Laundromat.
The way it was going to work was that the happy couple, Angie and Jon, would each turn up with a basket full of their dirty laundry. Charolette would then do an introduction about the importance of marriage before they swapped baskets and had a big whiff of each other’s dirty garments. This would be their last chance to decide whether or not this was the smell they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with.
CHAROLETTE: We are gathered here today at the Laundromat in Las Vegas, Nevada, to join you together in the most beautiful moment of your lives. So, will you please exchange your dirty baskets. I ask you first, Jon, will you take this beautiful lady to be your wife?
JON: I will.
CHAROLETTE: Will you promise her that you will do the laundry and help with the household chores and kiss her beautiful face every day?
JON: I do.
CHAROLETTE: Angie, will you take this wonderful man to be your husband and will you promise to wash his dirty laundry?
ANGIE: I will.
CHAROLETTE: I would now like for you to sniff each other’s dirty laundry, please.
KARL: Alright, you’ve both had a whiff, so are you sure you’re happy with each other’s smell? Because if you don’t like it you’d best say now, and we can knock this on the head and go home. So you’ve had a smell and you’re definitely happy?
JON: Definitely.
KARL: Angie?
ANGIE: Definitely, yes.
KARL: That’s going to be the smell for the rest of your life. Day in, day out, when you wake up in the morning that’s the smell that’s going to greet you.
It was going well. They seemed calm and relaxed, which I put down to them not having all their friends and family gawping at them. Plus, I didn’t get the impression they were religious, so these surroundings were probably more relaxing than being in a church. And the good thing about getting married this way is that every time one of them puts a wash on at home they’ll get a flashback of their special day and the memory will stay fresh.
At this point they both put their dirty laundry into one machine, joining their smells together to become one. They then helped each other to add the cleaning detergent and fabric conditioner. Never mind a white wedding, this was a whiter than white wedding. Then together they inserted the dollar token to start the wash. I told them to select the ten-minute wash cycle in order to air their dirty linen and get everything off their chests about each other that annoys them.
KARL: It’s not all going to be rosy. You’re going to have arguments and that’s a fact. So, Angie, is there anything Jon does that annoys you and you’d like him to stop?
ANGIE: I would like him to stop leaving his dirty clothes everywhere. I can’t tell if they’re clean or dirty, so if you could just put them in the laundry basket when they’re dirty and put them away when they’re clean, please.
KARL: Alright, fair enough. Jon, anything that does your head in?
JON: Ummm . . . I would like you, whenever you get mad at me, to just relax a little bit. I’m going to mess up once in a while, you know.
KARL: Is that it?! She doesn’t do anything else? Be honest, I don’t believe there’s nothing else that Angie does that drives you up the wall.
JON: I don’t think so, not really.
KARL: What?! She doesn’t ask for too much? She doesn’t want you to go away on holiday all the time? She doesn’t ask for a new car or new carpet?
JON: Nope.
KARL: Okay, what about the telly? Does she watch reality shows or . . .
JON: She does watch reality shows, yeah. I hate her judge shows, like Judge Judy. Judge Alex . . . Judge whoever else on TV, all those guys.
ANGIE: Well, he’s always on Reddit. I don’t like him being on Reddit all the time.
KARL: Reddit? I don’t know what that is, but it’s all coming out now, you see. Anything else? Are you sure she doesn’t waste any money? She never comes home and says, ‘I’ve bought this,’ and you go, ‘You’ve already got one of them, why do you want another one?’
JON: Every now and then.
KARL: Right, so there’s something else she does.
ANGIE: I don’t bargain shop. I go and get what I need no matter how much it is.
JON: And she spends way too much money on it.
KARL: So there’s something else you’ve got to watch because money does cause arguments. See, he’s looking a bit doubtful now, isn’t he? Look at his face.
CHAROLETTE: Well, I’m looking at her face and I’m seeing her smiling. She loves him in spite of it all. No matter what, she wants him and needs him and loves him and can’t live without him.
KARL: But is she thinking that because he’s a bit of a walkover? Seems like he’s getting shat on from a great height all the time.
CHAROLETTE: Well, I think two different personalities are good.
Even though they had their differences they were happy to accept them and carry on with the wedding, so after taking the clothes from the washer we headed over to the tumble dryer where, for another dollar,
