return him. I told her that if she took the Baby Jesus from the church, we could give it back and say that we stole it because we were doing research for school. She somehow bought it and got out of the car to steal the other Baby Jesus. She went up to the nativity scene and tried to steal it, but this was a light up Baby Jesus and there were cords involved. Stephanie ran back to the car in a fury.
“I think there was a nun or something in the bushes. I heard some rustling.” Stephanie said as she got back into the car.
“Stephanie, I don’t think nuns hang out in bushes. I think they fly or something,” I replied.
“There were cords. The Baby Jesus was connected to Joseph and so on. I could not untangle them. It is going to take a few minutes to get everything unconnected.”
“Whatever Stephanie, let’s try another one.” I said.
Evelyn drove around as we looked for another Baby Jesus to steal, but there were not many around, as we must have wandered into a Jewish neighborhood. Finally, I decided that we needed to ditch the Baby Jesus idea and just start taking whatever we could find. There was a treasure-trove of Christmas decorations that were ripe for the taking. Evelyn pulled up to a home that had a black Santa Claus on its lawn.
“Oh my God, I want that for my bedroom!” I said as I got out of the car. I had in fact always wanted a Black light up Santa Claus for my room but was too shy to buy one for myself so I figured I might as well just steal one. I crept onto the lawn where the Black Santa was surrounded by reindeer and looking extra jolly. I unplugged him from his outlet and brought him back into the car. Again, Evelyn and Stephanie were giggling like schoolgirls as they watched in awe as I stole the black Santa from his home. When I got back into the car, black Santa in tow, I decided his name was going to be Jerome. That night Evelyn, Stephanie and I had not only stolen a Baby Jesus and Black Santa, but a light-up Frosty the Snowman, garland off of someone’s fence, ornaments off of trees, Christmas lights, a potted planter that looked like a swan that had nothing to do with Christmas but we thought it would be fun to steal anyway and a huge cardboard snowflake.
It was like we had gotten a high off of all of the goods we had stolen off of people’s yards. Not knowing what to do with all of our merchandise, as our parents were sure to question where it all came from, I decided to leave it at the Starbucks that I worked at for safe keeping. I was one of the managers at the time, so I had a key and let myself in to drop off the goods. I scattered my goods throughout the Starbucks, leaving the Baby Jesus right by the cash register so everyone could bask in his glory as they were paying for their coffee.
The next morning, my co-workers were stunned to see my loot throughout Starbucks but thought it was hilarious nonetheless. In fact, they thought it was so funny that someone drew a cup of coffee in the hand of the cardboard cutout of Baby Jesus and wrote “God Bless Starbucks” underneath it. Everybody loved the Baby J. He was like our new mascot.
That evening, Stephanie, Evelyn and I met again, with full intentions for stealing a light up Baby Jesus. We got into Evelyn’s car, smoked a few joints and were on our way. We drove around the suburbs looking for a light up Baby Jesus. Since the employees of Starbucks had defiled our cardboard Baby Jesus, we had to move on and find something that would last forever. Our thievery had bonded the three of us and we were as thick as thieves now, literally. We drove around but could not find a light up baby Jesus. I resolved that we should go back to the church we had gone to the night before and try to steal the baby Jesus from there.
Evelyn pulled up to the church. All was quiet as I hopped out of the car on ready for my mission. I crept onto the lawn of the church looking for any nuns that may be hiding out in the bushes. Baby Jesus was in eyeshot and I made a beeline for the nativity scene. Once I got there, I could see why Stephanie had so much trouble the night before. There were cords everywhere and navigating where each cord went was like making your way through a labyrinth. I managed to find the outlet, unplugged the Baby Jesus, grabbed the cord, and tossed the Baby J under my arm and ran back to Evelyn’s car. When I got into the car, Evelyn and Stephanie were laughing so hard, I thought they were going to throw-up.
“Oh my God!” Evelyn said through her laughter, “that was the funniest thing I have ever seen.”
Stephanie was laughing so hard that she could not even speak.
“It was like you were carrying the Baby Jesus…” Evelyn continued laughing hysterically, “like…” she was laughing so hard, I didn’t know if she was still breathing, “a FOOTBALL!” She finally cried. I don’t know if she thought it was funny because it was a Baby Jesus I had under my arm or that fact that it was the closest I had ever come to actually looking like I had ever played a sport.
The three of us sat in Evelyn’s car and laughed hysterically for the next few minutes. Happy with my latest conquest, I put the Baby Jesus on my dining room table and told my family that he was going to be our centerpiece for Christmas dinner that year. A few days later, Evelyn called me and told me to pick up the town newspaper because she thought I would get a kick out of it.
I went to the corner and picked up the newspaper. I flipped through it until I got to the section where the headline read: “THE TRUTH ABOUT THE MISSING BABY JESUS.” My mouth dropped. I had finally made it into the newspaper, except, no one knew it was I who had stolen the Baby Jesus. The article chronicled the night that the Baby Jesus went missing from the local church and what they thought happened. They even had a reward for anyone who knew his whereabouts. Thinking my cheap brother might turn me in for cash, I knew I was going to have to put the Baby Jesus into seclusion. I laughed because I thought it was funny, but the people at the church were outraged by what had happened. Evelyn, Stephanie and I decided never to steal again, but that Christmas was one of the most magical times of my life.
Where Are They Now?
The Baby Jesus – The Baby J and I had a long lasting relationship. He came to New York with me, when I moved up there. He stayed with me in every apartment I moved to until his light bulb blew out, almost causing a small fire. I ended up throwing him away.
The Black Santa – My little brother Kevin took care of the Black Santa for many years until he went to college and it was destroyed at a keg party.
The Potted Swan – The potted swan enjoyed a long career in my front yard, until it too was stolen, possibly by its rightful owners.
Frosty – Frosty enjoyed a long holiday career of entertaining the children on my father’s front yard. When my father realized he was Jewish, he threw Frosty away.
Evelyn – Evelyn lives in Astoria, Queens in a building that is always decorated with Virgin Mary’s and Baby Jesus’ come Christmas time. I have tried stealing them on several occasions, but she will never let that happen.
Stephanie – Stephanie now lives in Tampa and I think she is bisexual.
I’M COMIN’ OUT!
“Are you gay yet?” Jason asked me as I approached him on the corner of 72nd Street and Park Avenue. I had just moved to New York a few days before and Jason knew it was only a matter of time before I would come out of the closet. We had, after all, performed a medley of the songs of George M. Cohan together in high school chorus so I knew that he would not be surprised if I told him I was gay.
“Not yet,” I replied and then realized I meant to say “no.” Jason smiled at me. “I know when I do come out of the closet that I definitely do not want to be outed at a T.G.I.Friday’s like you were.” A few years earlier, our friend Valerie outed Jason in front of all of our friends at a T.G.I.Friday’s after rehearsal for a show we were doing at the time.
