Kids have views on the experience too
Our three sons always seemed to think everything I did was normal and they didn’t mind that I was never at tuckshop or missed a few important events.
Early on, and in her early teens, our daughter Katie was a bit more concerned and adopted my Melbourne-based sister Michelle as her surrogate mum at school. At least her aunt was around and did tuckshop duties, as Michelle had a daughter at the same school.
In her early years of high school Katie announced that she would not go back to work after having children, that she thought she would want to stay at home and be a full-time carer. I told her that was perfectly fine if that was what she wanted to do.
When she was studying for the HSC, there was a component about maternal deprivation in one of her psychology classes. The teacher was apparently quoting the old Bowlby studies quite inappropriately.
Katie told us she was incensed. She promptly stood up in class and challenged the teacher to indicate what was wrong with her (Katie)—after all, her mother and father had always worked in paid employment outside the home. She went to home-based day care and then to a crèche from about two and half years of age. What in particular was wrong with her and what were the signs, in her, of deprivation?
I gather the teacher was a bit stunned and might have taught that section differently after that.
Katie’s position about being a full-time carer did change over time. In her late thirties she is now more like me than either of us might ever have imagined. She and her husband have two young boys and they both work full-time, but they have sought some flexibility in their arrangements. This enables them to be actively engaged parents with full-time work commitments.
We each have to figure out how we can best blend parenting and working full-time, if that is what we want to do. It is a matter of working through what trade-offs make sense to you and being comfortable with that. Enjoy what you do and thrive with your choices. Just remember how lucky you are if you have choices, as many people don’t have that luxury.
6
Decide your course and exorcise the guilt thing
Avoid decision remorse
When you make your choices, the worst thing you can do is to feel bad about them, or to keep regretting them. Your demeanour can and will impact those around you.
It helps to do whatever you can to minimise any tendencies towards perfectionism and to work out what you DON’T need to do. Setting expectations of those around you, at home and at work, is also important.
When she was a business executive in NAB, Lisa Gray (now CEO of the Victorian Funds Management Corporation) made sure that matters such as parent/teacher meetings at her children’s school were clearly marked in her calendar. They were initially entered in there by her then assistant as something like ‘external business meeting’. She changed that to clearly mark it as a parent meeting at the school as she wanted to set the example that it was okay to take a few hours out from time to time to attend to family matters.
Abigail Bradshaw started her career as a military lawyer and has spent the past five years in London and Canberra as a public servant in national security portfolios. She and her husband had many discussions about how to manage their different work and family demands. In the end they hired an au pair. At first they felt this was indulgent, but they came to the view that it was the best thing they ever did for themselves and their kids. It took the stress out of the beginning and end of each day and meant more peaceful, quality family time.
Yes, you do need to have the right partner (a REALLY important choice to make). It helps too to bring your kids up to be independent and confident individuals. Our four all learned to cook and clean, to take responsibility for themselves and to contribute to the running of the household. To this day, one of our sons is the fastest and best sandwich maker around. Another always has the most beautifully ironed shirts, when this is necessary.
Perfect is the enemy of good
As Gartner’s Robin Kranich puts it, ‘You don’t have to do it all. It’s about picking your spots and knowing that perfect is the enemy of good. Your ability to give yourself permission to lower some standards so you can preserve emotional capital is a gift’.
Until after the birth of our fourth child, we did all the housework ourselves. This was not because we were particularly virtuous or enjoyed it. It was more of a financial necessity and we could manage doing it.
However, when heading back to work for that interesting full-time role in Education Headquarters, we discussed getting a cleaner in for a few hours once a week. Apart from the demands of our work and kids, I suffer from hay fever so cleaning for a couple of hours meant I wasn’t able to do anything but sneeze for the rest of the day. Besides two of the kids were now in primary school and the demands of weekend sports and music commitments were making their presence felt.
Robert wasn’t keen to have someone else come into our home, but in the end, I just organised it. It gave us back a bit more time and made my Saturdays more enjoyable. And Robert never regretted it either!
When our boys were in the later years of high school and early years of university, each of them successively took on the paid role of house cleaner. It was not a difficult job, they could do it at a time that suited and they had good supervision. Each of them did a good job.
We did offer the job to Katie when our youngest son went off to do other things, but she declined. She had already organised paying jobs that were more aligned to her career goals.
Our kids also learned a few other skills along the way. Katie attributed some of her formidable social skills to her experiences with the Australian Children’s Choir through high school.
She loved the choir and singing and wanted to join more of their specialist groups. The problem was that rehearsals were about eight kilometres from our home, with no easy public transport access. One of us could usually pick her up in the evening but getting her there by 6pm was a challenge.
The deal became that if she could find another family who could get her there, we would bring her and the other chorister home. This meant that on her first rehearsal she always had to find out where everyone lived and then negotiate some car pool arrangements.
She was good at this and I don’t think she missed any sessions in which she really wanted to participate.
Don’t make a habit of bringing home gifts
In all my travelling for work I never felt obliged to bring home a gift for our children as a matter of course. If I saw a T-shirt or a CD or something that one of our four children would love, I might buy it. But that didn’t mean I bought something for the other three.
Our kids understood that (I think!). I am aghast when women or men rush around buying presents on work trips. What this often conveys is that idea that, ‘I am away therefore I am being neglectful/not a good parent. I am buying you something to compensate for that and make me feel better’.
Often all it does is set up a situation where your kids expect to be compensated because you are doing what your role requires. My perspective was to get them accustomed to the way the world works.
Having said that, I should add that my frequent commitments to be at Gartner Headquarters in Stamford, Connecticut, meant regular trips to New York City, a 45-minute commuter train ride away.
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