Praise for
“The Amazing Whitebread might protest that he lacks the typical attributes of a superhero, but Mike McMullen certainly has the talents one wants in a writer: the reportage skills of Clark Kent, the compassion of Peter Parker, and the integrity of stately Wayne Manor or the Baxter Building. And he can turn a phrase like Eel O’Brian can turn his head. This is a fun, funny, touching book.”
—Matthew David Brozik, author of The Government Manual for New Superheroes
“If you have been patiently waiting for that special spider bite, a radiation accident or the shattering trauma in the alley—stop! I, Superhero!! provides a model for finding your guru, choosing a costume, and finding the mission that make You, Superhero.”
—John Shelton Lawrence, author of The Myth of the American Superhero
“I, Superhero!! is a funny exploration of what ensues when real people try to act as superheroes. But without actual training. Or skill. And wearing stretchy pants. This book underlines—in a very entertaining way—the mismatch of a fast-food approach to want without the work.”
—E. Paul Zehr, author of Becoming Batman: The Possibility of a Superhero
I, SUPERHERO!!
MY JOURNEY INTO THE WORLD OF REAL-LIFE SUPERHEROES, SPANDEX, AND SEX
(Okay, no sex, that was just to get your attention)
MIKE
“THE AMAZING WHITEBREAD”
MCMULLEN
CITADEL PRESS
Kensington Publishing Corp.
All copyrighted material within is Attributor Protected.
CONTENTS
Acknowledgments
CHAPTER 1 IN WHICH I PUT EVERYTHING THAT WOULD NORMALLY GO IN THE INTRODUCTION
But No One Ever Reads Those, or at Least I Don’t, So I’m Putting It Here
CHAPTER 2 COWBOY SECRET SPACE DETECTIVE: GEIST
CHAPTER 3 IN WHICH I EXERCISE…KINDA
CHAPTER 4 SUPERWHATNOW?
or, All the Good Names Are Taken
CHAPTER 5 DON QUIXOTE DE ORLANDO: MASTER LEGEND
CHAPTER 6 SIDEKICKS
The Also-Rans of the Superhero World
CHAPTER 7 ARMY OF ONE: MR. XTREME
CHAPTER 8 DOES THIS CAPE MAKE MY BUTT LOOK BIG?
Superhero Costuming and Equipmentage
CHAPTER 9 THE BAD GUYS ARE BROUGHT
Real-Life Super Villains
CHAPTER 10 SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH AMAZONIA
CHAPTER 11 ME, GEIST, AND MY JUNK
A Hero Is Born
CHAPTER 12 LESSONS LEARNED
or, Remind Me Why I Did This Again?
The Amazing Whitebread’s Legion of Superbuddies League of Societies
APPENDIX 1 The Hall of Spandex
or, Nine Bigger-Than-Life Heroes and One Little Bitty Villain
APPENDIX 2 Mortified by Justice
Mrs. Whitebread Speaks!
APPENDIX 3 You Can Pick Your Name, and You Can Pick Your Nose, but You Can’t Pick Your Name’s Nose
or Something Like That
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Thanks to:
Mom and Dad, for making me
God, for making them
Wife, for making me shop this idea to agents
Matt McGowan, for making the proposal not suck
Richard Ember and Mike Shohl, for making the book not suck
The DFW Writers’ Workshop for making my writing not suck quite so hard
Geist, for making most of this book possible
Biscuit, for making me want to be a hero
and last but not least,
Cupcake, for making a late but significant appearance in the whole proceeding.
CHAPTER 1
IN WHICH I PUT EVERYTHING THAT WOULD NORMALLY GO IN THE INTRODUCTION
But No One Ever Reads Those, or at Least
I Don’t, So I’m Putting It Here
Let me tell you a quick story.
A few years ago, two German men—Arnim Meiwes and Bernd Brandes—met in an Internet chat room called Gay Cannibals and came to the joint decision that for their mutual sexual pleasure Meiwes would kill and eat Brandes. The meal would climax, if you’ll pardon my diction, with Meiwes eating Brandes’ penis. At trial, Meiwes told the court that he’d been looking for someone slim and blonde to eat like Sandy from the Flipper films.
This short story, completely true, brings three important facts to light:
1. An Internet chat room exists called Gay Cannibals—dear holy God.
2. The actor, Luke Halpin, who played Sandy Ricks in Flipper, is apparently some sort of fetish figure among at least some of the aforementioned homosexual flesh eaters.
3. Some people are crazy as all hell and will do anything.
So why the living crap did I just disgust and horrify you with that story? For one, How to Write Non-Fiction That Sells, the book I skimmed just prior to sitting down to write, says you want an attention grabber at the beginning of your
