dark eyebrows lifted. “What kind of trouble, Kelsey? If you’re struggling with your sobriety, there are things …”
“Oh, no, nothing like that,” she said, her words rushing out. “This is old trouble that won’t seem to go away. I think I just need to cut my losses and start over somewhere else. But I need to have more of a nest egg to do that. I thought maybe I could start taking on a few trainees to earn some extra money.”
Grant frowned and leaned back in his chair, considering her in a way that made her want to bow her head. “The requirements for my trainers are very clear. Both sides of training are required. And you haven’t done the submissive part yet. Believe me, I understand why you haven’t been able to do that portion. After what happened to you last year, I can only imagine how frightening that could be. I wouldn’t want anything to trigger those memories for you. But it wouldn’t be fair or safe to make an exception. I need my trainers to understand and experience both sides firsthand.”
“Right.” She looked down at her hands, not surprised by the answer but disappointed. She’d tried to do the thirty-day submissive immersion twice now because being a trainer was more lucrative than being a part-time domme like she was now. But each time the day to start had gotten close, she’d cancelled at the last moment. And she hated that. Hated that her attacker still held any power over her at all. Davis hadn’t been a dominant, he’d been a sociopath and rapist who’d held her against her will, beat her mercilessly, and tortured her for the three days he’d had her. She obviously knew that wasn’t what submission entailed. Yet, she still hadn’t been able to take that step with anyone.
Grant sighed and leaned forward, setting his chin on his clasped hands. “Kelsey, can I be honest with you?”
“Yes, sir,” she said quietly.
“I hired you because you’d been through a lot, and I wanted to give you an opportunity to get on your feet. And I think discovering your domme side has helped you gain confidence that the men in your past had stolen from you. You’ve blossomed these last few months.”
Warmth gathered in her chest at the compliment. “Thank you.”
“But dominance is not your natural state,” he said, his eyes meeting hers. “You’re more than capable of being in that role, but I can tell you have to work hard at it.”
She frowned, his matter-of-fact assessment like a bucket of cold water over her head. “I don’t understand.”
His too-keen eyes evaluated her. “After a session, you don’t look satisfied or fulfilled. You look spent. And I know you don’t use your membership benefits here. The only people you dominate are the ones paying for the privilege. You don’t play with anyone for your own enjoyment.”
She glanced away, focusing on a spot over his right shoulder. Truth was, as sexually pent up as she could get, she never had the desire to take up one of the submissive members on their offers. She’d been abstinent since about a month after the attack. The first few weeks afterward had been filled with a backslide into drinking and far too many one-night stands. She’d been on a mission to erase the memory of that last person who’d touched her by having any and everyone in her bed. But after waking up hungover in some strange apartment, parked between a guy she’d picked up at a bar and his girlfriend, she’d hoofed it to her therapist and returned to The Ranch to ask for her job back. And thank God she’d done those two things. She didn’t even want to think about where she’d be otherwise.
Dominance really wasn’t about getting off for her anyway. It was a release of different sorts. It kept the hungry demons at bay—the whispers of old addictions, the threads of insecurity, the temptation to tumble backward and not feel. It centered her. “I just haven’t found someone who interests me yet.”
“Hmm,” he said, obviously not buying that ocean-front property in Arizona she was trying to sell. “Or perhaps you’ve got a longer and more important journey left on the other side of the equation, and what happened to you blocked you from accessing that side of yourself. When you first approached me last year, before Davis, you wanted to do the submissive part first. It was what you were drawn to.”
She shook her head. “I’m not a submissive, Grant. Men have controlled me all my life. I can assure you, I gain no satisfaction from being at someone’s mercy.”
“Or maybe you’ve met the wrong someones.”
“Well, there’s no fucking doubt about that.”
He gave her a kind smile. “I could see if some of the clubs in Dallas are looking for part-time dommes, if you’d like. You could earn extra money that way, though their screening processes for members are going to be more lax so you may get some jerks in the mix.”
She shook her head. The last thing she wanted were guys who thought dominatrix equaled prostitute. No way. As she sat there, frustration started to morph brick by brick into resolve. “No. I’m tired of this. Davis is dead and letting him haunt me means he wins. Fuck that. I need to try again.”
Grant watched her for a long moment, then nodded. “I’ll tell you what, darlin’. You find a dom you’re comfortable with to complete the other half of your training and when you’re done, I’ll be more than happy to let you take on a few trainees or a small class. And if you do well with those, I’ll even recommend you to The Plantation in New Orleans. They pay well and are looking for new trainers. It’d get you out of town and a place to stay rent free.”
A ticket out of town and more money? It was exactly what she needed. “That would be amazing.”
“Do you want me to ask Colby if he wants to take you on? Or maybe Kade Vandergriff? Kade’s looking for a sub, though I think he prefers one who is going to submit to the full experience.”
“No.” She adored Kade, but didn’t want to muddy the waters with a friend. She didn’t need to take the training to that level to get the benefit. “I’d prefer to keep sex out of the training.”
“Not a problem,” Grant said, making a note on a pad on his desk. “I’ll talk to Colby later and see if he’s interested.”
She wet her lips. Colby was a friend and a good guy. She’d assisted him in more than one training class, but the thought of submitting to him left her feeling hollow inside. However, the sooner she could get this done, the sooner she could put some real money in her pocket and get the hell out of town. “Thank you, Grant.”
He gave a quick nod, though he looked more resigned than pleased. “Anytime, Kelsey. But please make sure you’re truly ready to do this and that this is the job you want. I think you have potential to be a terrific trainer, but unless you feel a passion for that role, the position will drain you dry. A nice paycheck won’t fill in the gaps.”
She glanced away, her body feeling heavier in the chair than it had a moment before. The Ranch had been her saving grace after she’d recovered from the attack. It had provided her a job, structure, and a group of friends who had treated her like family. She loved the strange, alternative world that existed behind its gates. But despite the good people, the posh resort, and the luxury of the surroundings, she never felt more excited than when she was crammed in that tiny, hot kitchen at the Sugarcane concocting a new recipe and chatting with her customers. That was what put the froth in her coffee each morning. That and serving her favorite patron …
But that dream was going to have to be put on hold for a while. Culinary school would have to wait. Her life would have to wait.
Again.
