I was twenty-five, most people took one look at me and assumed me to be younger.
I gave her a weak smile in the mirror, then took a deep breath.
“I’m fine. Really.” My voice became a little more determined. “Thank you.”
She nodded, still looking less than convinced. She hesitated a moment, giving me one last look before she wordlessly opened the door and disappeared, leaving a breeze of spicy, floral scented air in her wake.
The bathroom was empty now, and I was alone. The feeling seemed to echo off of every surface of the harshly lit room. I crossed the tiles on unsteady feet to look for some way – any way – out of there besides the door that would lead me back to the dining room and the man who sat at my table, waiting with empty plates and broken promises. It seemed impossible, this change that had happened to my life in five seconds.
I had been expecting a quiet evening with my fiancé, an evening in which we left nothing behind at the restaurant other than the tip. Instead, I was leaving all the dreams I had been dreaming since I was a little girl, discarded with the crumpled napkins beside my empty plate.
There was nothing to do, no other way of escape from the bathroom that now seemed like a cage rather than a refuge. I wanted to go home, to crawl into bed and sleep and wake up to find that this had all been a nightmare. I closed my eyes as the room started to spin, my chest feeling heavy with the pressure of all the unanswered questions.
Deep breaths, I reminded myself.
I was going to have to go back out there. I had no choice in the matter. But I did have a choice in how I handled things from this point on.
Maybe Matt was just feeling nervous as the number of days until our wedding dwindled. Normal cold feet, right? Surely that’s all this was. Once he had a chance to think this through, he would realize that he really didn’t want to call off our wedding. That everything we’d planned for our life together was still what he wanted. Nothing had changed between us, so this was the only logical explanation.
Right?
I took another deep breath and opened my eyes, steeling myself to walk out the door. I had to be calm and rational. I had to be the one to keep a level head right now, since Matt seemed to be temporarily incapable of that. Sure, he was putting up a great front and giving the appearance of complete control, but it had to be just that – a front. Underneath it all, he was probably just feeling the pressure of the countdown.
If we could just talk about this…
I reached for the door handle and pulled it open, the weight suddenly seeming far greater than I remembered. As I made my way back to the table, I tried my best to gather my thoughts into some semblance of order, and to find any measure of composure possible.
And then, I lost it.
When I reached the table, I found it empty. Aside from the detritus of our shared meal, the only thing waiting for me in the dining room was a napkin, its white paper layers interrupted by a hastily scrawled message.
I’m sorry.
There seemed no explanation – –no reasonable, traceable steps showing how we got from two people so in love to this place.
To the napkin I held in my hand as I sat on the couch, three hours later.
Three very long, very tear-filled hours later.
There was a headache pressing now at the base of my skull, my penance to pay for allowing myself to finally fall apart once I’d come home.
I’d held a very tenuous grip on it all until then, managing to very carefully, very quietly ask the waiter for the bill, unsure of whether Matt might have had the decency to at least pay for our final meal together. To my relief, he had taken care of it, one last gesture of kindness tossed in my direction like another balled up napkin.
I’d continued to hold on, feeling my grip losing strength, as I walked home, four miles that Matt had undoubtedly assumed would be travelled in a cab.
I had walked slowly, barely registering my surroundings as I took each step, trying to make some sort of reasonable sense of what had just taken place.
Not that any of this made any reasonable sense.
My fiancé had ended our relationship without a real explanation, leaving me nothing but a hastily scrawled apology – on a napkin. It sounded almost like the headliner on one of those ridiculous, sensationalist afternoon talk shows. I wasn’t sure whether to start laughing hysterically at the absurdity and outrageousness of the entire thing or to start crying.
My instincts suggested the latter action, but the tears burning my throat seemed to be warring with both shock and anger.
Had this been my fault? Had I pushed him too hard, put too much pressure on him to get married? We’d been together so long, and it had seemed like the next logical move. Logic aside, even – it was something I’d been dreaming of since the early stages of our relationship. I loved Matt so much, and there was nothing I wanted more than to share a life with him. To build a family and a home with him.
And now the whole thing was being torn apart, finalized by words on a napkin.
When had he stopped wanting a life with me?
When had my dream become a nightmare?
I couldn’t stop staring at the napkin.
I’m sorry.
I shifted on the couch, wondering if throwing the napkin in the fire with the nearly destroyed stack of magazines would reverse the words and set everything back to the way it was supposed to be. I looked at the sparkling engagement ring on my left hand and contemplated hurling it into the fireplace along with everything else. It would simply end up charred by the flames, sticky blackness masking the radiant beauty that it had once been.
The flicker of the fire gave the room a warm glow, but I still felt chilled. I pulled my legs up under me and reached for the throw I kept folded in a basket next to the couch. I was so tired and so cold, but I couldn’t bring myself to go to bed.
Not yet. I knew I wasn’t anywhere near sleep, not with everything that was going on in my head right now, despite my extreme fatigue. It wasn’t physical exhaustion – it was emotional. I felt as though someone had died, that same nebulous sense of loss and hopeless helplessness, and it was draining.
I put the square white napkin on the floor beside the couch and looked up at the ceiling as shadows danced over its surface, set in motion by the flicker of the firelight. I felt so alone, but there wasn’t really anything I could do about that. Sure, I could call someone – my mother or my sister, but the idea of having to pick up the phone and explain everything when I didn’t even understand it myself seemed almost too much to handle. I couldn’t string two coherent thoughts together at this point, much less an entire conversation.
I closed my eyes and tried to turn everything off, to feel nothing, to numb every part of my brain and my body and just… float.
Float up to the ceiling and dance through the shadows.
Matt
