it was the only way he knew how to hide this pain he was feeling. The fact that Lucy didn’t consider him fit to take care of their child hurt unbearably.
‘Meaning that I would always have come second to your job?’
The hurt in her voice was almost his undoing. Connor longed to tell her that it wasn’t true, but it would have been a lie. His job had always come first and there was no point wishing that he’d done things differently now. However, Lucy had no idea how hard it had been to stick to the decision he’d made to concentrate exclusively on his career while they had been together.
‘If you want to put it that way then, yes, I suppose you could say that. I never made any secret of the fact that I was ambitious, did I, Lucy?’
‘No, you certainly didn’t.’ She gave a brittle laugh as she sat down. ‘I have to give you full marks for honesty, Connor. I was never in any doubt that our relationship had an expiry date stamped on it.’
He wasn’t sure if he liked that assessment of his actions but it seemed pointless to argue about it. He sat down and picked up his cup, giving himself a breathing space while he tried to decide what to do. He needed to convince Lucy that he could be trusted to look after Izzy and it wasn’t going to be an easy task from the look of it.
‘Look, Connor, we can argue about this all night but you aren’t going to change my mind. I am prepared to let you see Izzy but that’s all. There is no way that I will allow her to stay with you. For heaven’s sake, I don’t even know where you live!’
‘I’ve rented a flat in that new complex near the business park. It wouldn’t have been my first choice because it’s too far from the hospital, but it was the best I could find at short notice.’
‘I know where you mean. I looked at one of those flats myself but it was too expensive for me. Mum and Dad offered to help me with the rent but it wouldn’t have been fair to expect them to subsidise me. Dad’s hoping to retire this year and they’ll need every penny.’
‘Why did you decide to move out of your old flat?’ he asked, feeling the same ambivalence he’d always felt whenever she’d spoken about her family. He knew how close Lucy was to her parents and her two older sisters, although he had never met them. He had deliberately kept his distance and had refused whenever she’d invited him to any family functions. Getting to know her family would have made it that much harder for her when they’d parted, and he’d wanted to protect her as much as he could. Or that had been what he’d told himself.
Now he found himself wondering if he’d really been protecting himself. Lucy had always had a hold over him, and he’d realised at the start of their relationship how dangerous it would be to get too deeply involved with her.
‘It all came down to money again. The rent was just too much for me once I left work. Added to that, the lift kept breaking down all the time. It would have been a nightmare trying to drag a pram up all those stairs.’
‘I never thought about that,’ he said softly, trying not to dwell on the thought of his own vulnerability. He’d made a vow many years ago that he would live his life the way he chose to live it, but now he could see that a lot of the decisions he’d made in the last year had been influenced by Lucy. It was an effort to focus on what she had said and he frowned because it was the second time she’d mentioned that she hadn’t been able to afford the rent. He couldn’t help feeling guilty at the thought of her struggling to pay her way while she’d been expecting their child.
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