beat yourself up for wanting to say no. You are always there when someone needs you. It’s okay not to be once in a while.”
“I know. It’s just...” Bella trailed off, already knowing she wasn’t going to disappoint her sister.
Deidre rolled her eyes. “You’re just too responsible for your own good.”
“If I was really responsible, I’d be living closer to home so I could be there when Laney needed help with math or Ben wanted to practice his goaltending skills.” Instead, she’d stayed in New York, because here she could go hours without feeling weighed down by the never-ending demands of her large family.
“You need to stop feeling guilty for enjoying living so far away from Iowa.” Deidre pulled the towel from her hair and wrapped it around her neck. Her brown eyes drilled into Bella. “Stop beating yourself up just because you like the freedom you have here. Your parents decided to have eight kids. They’re the ones who should worry about taking care of your brothers and sisters.”
“Worrying about each other is what families do.” But Bella recognized the disparity between what she said and how she felt. She was burdened in equal parts by guilt and resentment.
“But at some point you’re going to have your own family to focus on. What happens to them then?”
Bella shook her head. They’d had this conversation multiple times, but Deidre never listened. “I might someday get married, but you know how I feel about having kids. I don’t want any.”
“Your family really did a number on you,” Deidre said, her expression glum. “You had to grow up way too fast.”
“It’s not their fault.” But there was no denying that the yoke of responsibility Bella had shouldered at a young age had led to her decision never to have kids of her own. Just the thought of being trapped the way her mother had been filled her with dread.
It was why she’d thought she could carry a baby for Victoria and Blake without fear of becoming emotionally involved. Too bad she hadn’t understood that her fundamental nature hadn’t been altered by her frustration with her family’s neediness. If she had, she’d have known she’d fall in love with the child she’d given birth to. A child she had no legal claim on.
“You know,” Bella began, her pragmatic side taking over, “if I nanny for Blake this summer, I could afford to help out my sister and have enough for our Caribbean trip.”
It was a job that would pay well. She needed the money. With it she could go on vacation this winter and feel no guilt, plus she could replenish her nest egg and still help out her family.
“I think it’s a huge mistake.”
“Seems more like a win-win situation. I get money. Blake gets a nanny.”
With her head cocked to one side, Deidre studied her friend. “You forget that I know how hard it was for you to say no to Blake about staying in touch with Drew. And I know why you did it. Now that Blake is divorced, the reason you agreed to stay out of Drew’s life no longer exists.”
Bella felt a flutter of excitement in the pit of her stomach. Deidre was right. Blake wasn’t married to Victoria any longer, so Bella’s promise to disappear and give the three of them a chance to become a family was no longer binding.
But her agreement with Victoria wasn’t her only reason for staying away. Giving up Drew had been the hardest thing she’d ever done. Being on the fringe of his life would never allow her ache for him to dull.
“Plus,” Deidre continued, her eyes narrowing, “there’s that little crush you have on Blake.”
“Crush?” Bella’s voice wobbled when she tried to sound indignant. “I don’t have a crush on Blake.”
“I think you do. Imagine all those lovely moonlit nights in the Hamptons. Perfect for romantic walks on the beach. A midnight swim, just the two of you. Clothing optional.” Deidre’s eyebrows wagged suggestively. “You’d fall hard for the guy before the first week was over.”
“Midnight swims? Romantic walks?” Bella gave a disgusted snort. “Not likely. I’ll be sacked out. Exhausted from taking care of Drew all day, and Blake will be attending parties. Now that he’s single again, he’ll be swamped with invitations.” Bella could see she wasn’t getting through to her friend. “Besides, there’s never been any hint of attraction between us.”
“Of course not. He was married.”
“He was in love with his wife. For all I know, he still is. They haven’t even been divorced two months. I’m sure he isn’t ready to move on.”
“Keep telling yourself that, and when Blake suggests a nightcap one night after you put Drew to bed, call me the next morning so I can say I told you so.”
To Bella’s dismay, a delicious, forbidden anticipation began to build. Crossing her arms over her chest, she felt the rapid pace of her heart and tried to ignore her body’s troubling reaction to Deidre’s warning. It was ridiculous to imagine Blake being interested in her. Her own feelings were more difficult to dismiss.
“That won’t happen.”
“It might if you spend much time around him.”
“Any time we spend together will be with Drew for company. Nothing is going to happen between us.”
“A baby in the house isn’t going to stop a man like Blake Ford from taking what he wants.” Deidre raised her eyebrows suggestively.
“That’s not Blake’s style.” As tempting as it was to ponder whether Deidre was onto something, Bella knew better than to indulge in daydreams. “Blake and Drew are a package deal and he knows I’m not interested in having a family. He’ll find someone who wants the same things he does.”
“I think you’re kidding yourself if you believe you’ll ever be happy without children of your own and a man at your side to share the responsibility with you.”
Bella shook her head. “I’m sure my mother thought the same thing when she married my dad. But what happens when the responsibility gets to be too much for the two of you to handle?”
“So marry someone wealthy. Then you’d have staff to take care of your every desire, not to mention your kids.” Having delivered her final bit of wisdom, Deidre retreated down the hall, leaving Bella to ponder her roommate’s advice.
Would she be as reluctant to have children if money wasn’t an issue? Bella had no clear answer. On the day she’d turned fifteen and had to spend her birthday in the emergency room because her two youngest siblings had stuck M&M’S up their noses on her watch, she’d decided she never wanted the responsibility of motherhood. Her opinion didn’t change through college or the next few years of teaching when she’d moved away from the farm, although she continued to lend her family what support she could by sending money home. But it was never enough.
The emotions stirred up by her pregnancy had called into question a decade of wanting nothing but her freedom. She’d been plagued by doubts. Questioned her choices. But after Drew’s birth, she’d decided that she’d been a victim of pregnancy hormones. Her heart continued to hurt at the absence of Drew from her life, but she knew he was part of a loving family
