waved at the sound of her horn. When she was no longer in sight Jordan felt his legs go weak, and he walked forward to the chair that stood next to the front door.
‘Hey...’ Mila crouched down in front of him, and as his heart palpitated and he fought for a steady breath, she took his hand and squeezed. ‘Look at me. Look at me, Jordan,’ she repeated when he didn’t respond the first time.
He lifted his eyes.
‘You’re going to be okay. Just keep breathing.’
She repeated it until finally he could feel his heart falling back into the uncomfortable rhythm it always had around her. He pulled his hand away, embarrassed at his reaction. She stood up, but his hope that she would leave it alone and go inside faltered when she took the seat next to him.
‘So it happens to you, too?’
He looked over at her, but she was staring out to where the trees lined the driveway.
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
‘Your lungs feel like they don’t work any more and your heart feels like it’s beating to keep the entire world alive.’
She still wasn’t looking at him and he eased. He didn’t know why he had reacted to Lulu in that way. He had seen other pregnant women before. Why had this one been any different?
‘It’s happened to you?’ he said hoarsely before he could stop himself.
‘Yeah, plenty of times.’ She paused. ‘It almost happened with Lulu today.’
‘Why didn’t it?’
‘I didn’t want her to think I wasn’t happy for her.’
He nodded. He understood that. And perhaps for the first time he found himself opening up the door he had locked his feelings about his son’s death behind.
‘I don’t know why this is different.’
‘Because she’s someone you know. You care about her,’ she answered softly. ‘It hits harder when it’s closer to home.’
‘Yeah, probably,’ he agreed, but something told him there was something else, as well.
‘I know what I said, but it doesn’t mean that you’re not happy for her.’
He knew she was looking at him, so he nodded, but didn’t respond. Pieces were settling in his mind from where he had locked them away. And then he spoke almost without realising it.
‘You’re right. When I saw Lulu there was a part of me that was happy for her before the doom and gloom set in.’ He realised now where the reaction had come from, and for some reason felt comfortable with saying it out loud. He didn’t care to examine why.
‘And...?’ Mila prompted softly.
‘And I felt bad about it because when we found out you were pregnant...’ he couldn’t quite believe he was saying it ‘...I was terrified.’
‘What?’ The shocked tone of her voice had his heart accelerating.
‘Of course, I was happy, too. But I was scared.’
‘You never told me that.’
‘You were so happy. I didn’t want to spoil that.’
‘I was scared, too, Jordan.’ She let out a little laugh when he looked at her. ‘I didn’t know the first thing about being a mother. About being in a family.’
His mouth opened in surprise, but before she could see it, he asked, ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘Because you were so happy.’ She smiled over at him. ‘I didn’t want you to think I couldn’t do it.’
Something bothered him about her answer. It reminded him of the time she’d thought he was telling her she wasn’t good at her job.
‘I never thought that,’ he said. ‘I knew you were going to be a wonderful mother.’
‘You would have been a wonderful father, too.’
‘Maybe,’ he replied.
Or maybe he would have been as emotionally unavailable as his own father had been. He frowned, but didn’t ponder it any more. Not when he was thinking about how nice it was sitting with her. The grief he’d felt at seeing the chairs where he’d spent so much time with his father for the first time after Greg’s death had faded, and he knew it was because of Mila. She was the only person besides his father that he wanted to be there with.
The realisation unsettled him.
‘Why were you scared?’ She interrupted his thoughts. ‘I mean, I know becoming a parent is scary in general, but was that the only thing?’
No, he thought, but he couldn’t bring himself to say it when he was only just beginning to realise the effect his parents had had on him. Like the fact that part of his fear over becoming a parent was because of the way his father had treated him as a child—fear that he would turn out just like that.
‘Yeah, that’s all.’
He looked over at her and saw that she didn’t believe him. Saw the flash of hurt in her eyes because of it, felt the nudge in his heart. And still he couldn’t formulate the words.
‘It didn’t seem like things went poorly with Lulu,’ he said instead, hoping for reprieve.
‘They didn’t,’ she replied in a measured tone, and he closed his eyes when he realised he might just have undone the progress they’d made. In their working relationship, he clarified to himself.
‘So, you guys are friends again?’
‘We were never not friends, it seems. She’s even been doing events for me while I’ve been...away.’
‘That’s great,’ he said lamely, and felt helpless as the tension seeped back in between them. Silence came with it, giving him enough time to berate himself for spoiling the tentative truce that they’d been starting to forge.
But he couldn’t tell Mila why he hadn’t told her everything. She didn’t know that side of his father, and he didn’t want to taint her memories of Greg by telling her about the angry person his father had been in Jordan’s youth. About the remnants of that time that had marred his relationship with his father right up to Greg’s death. And now Jordan would never get the chance to fix it, or to make up for the past year when he hadn’t been in touch...
‘Lulu told me about a food fair that’s happening this afternoon.’ She broke the silence. ‘It’s at the Johnson High School in town—and most of the vendors who were there for the original Under the Stars are going to be there. I’m leaving in an hour. You can come, if you like.’
‘I’d like that very much. I’ll go get ready,’ he said softly, grateful that she was still trying to be amicable despite his reluctance to open up to her.
As he headed to the bathroom
