so, once Felicity had been intubated, Louise simply closed her mind to everything, even bastard Anton. She just sat on a stool and thought lovely baby thoughts.
She heard the swirl of suction and a few curses from Anton as he tried to get one very flat baby out as quickly as possible.
Then there was silence and she looked up as a rather floppy baby was whisked away and she kept thinking baby thoughts as they rubbed it very vigorously and flicked at its little feet. She glanced at Rory as another anaesthetist started to bag him.
But then Rory smiled and Louise looked round and watched as the baby shuddered and she watched as his little legs started to kick and his hands started to fight. His cries of protest were muffled by the oxygen mask but were the most beautiful sounds in the world.
Louise didn’t look at Anton, she just told Felicity that her baby was beautiful, wonderful, that he was crying and could she hear him, even though Felicity was still under anaesthetic.
Anton did look at Louise.
She did that, Anton thought.
She made all his patients relax and laugh, and though Felicity could not know what was being said, still Louise said it.
He could have honestly kicked himself for his reaction but, God, it had been almost a replica of what had happened back in Italy.
‘He’s beautiful,’ Louise said over and over.
So too was Louise, Anton thought, knowing he’d just blown any chance for them.
Louise was beautiful, even when she was raging.
Not an hour later she marched into the male changing room and slammed the door shut.
‘Hey, Louise,’ called Rory, who was just getting changed. ‘You’re in the wrong room.’
‘Oh, I’m in the right room,’ Louise said. ‘Could you excuse us, Rory, please?’
‘We will do this in my office,’ Anton said. Wet from the shower, a towel around his loins, he did not want to do this now, but Louise had no intention of waiting till he got dressed. She was far, far beyond furious.
‘Oh, no, this won’t keep.’
‘Good luck,’ Rory called to Anton as he left them to it.
And then it was just Louise and Anton but even as he went to apologise for what had happened earlier, or to even explain, Louise got in first.
‘You can question my morals, you can think what you like about me, but don’t you ever, ever—’
‘Question your morals?’ Anton checked. ‘Where the hell did that come from?’
‘Don’t interrupt me,’ Louise raged. ‘I’ve had it with you. What you accused me of today—’
‘Louise.’
‘No!’ She would not hear it.
‘I apologise. I did not realise the pagers were down.’
‘I did,’ Louise said instantly. ‘When you didn’t come, or make contact, it was the first thing I thought—not that you were negligent and simply couldn’t be bothered to get here …’
Her lips were white she was so angry. ‘I’m going to speak to Brenda and put in an incident report about the pagers today, and while I’m there I’m going to tell her I don’t want to work with you any more.’
‘That’s a bit extreme.’
‘It’s isn’t extreme. I’ve thought about doing it before.’ She saw him blink in surprise. ‘Everything I do you check again—’
‘Louise …’ Anton wasn’t about to deny it. He checked on her more than the other midwives, he was aware of that. In trying to protect her, to protect them, from what had happened to him and Dahnya, he had gone over the top. ‘If I can explain—’
But Louise was beyond hearing him. She lost her temper then and Louise hadn’t lost her temper since that terrible day. ‘You don’t want a midwife,’ Louise shouted, ‘you want a doula, rubbing the mums’ backs and offering support. Well, I’m over it, Anton. Have you any idea how demoralising it is?’ she raged, though possibly she was talking more to Wesley than Anton. ‘Have you any idea how humiliating it is …?’
Anton took a step forward, to speak, to calm her down, and then stood frozen as he heard the fear in her voice.
‘Get off me!’ She put her hands up in defence and there was a shocked moment of silence when she realised what she had said, what she had done, but then came his calm voice.
‘I’m not touching you, Louise.’
She pressed her hands to her face and her fingers to her eyes. ‘I’m sorry,’ Louise said, ‘not for what I said before but—’
‘It’s okay.’ Anton was breathless too, as if her unleashed fear had somehow attached to him. ‘We’ll talk when you’ve calmed down.’
‘No.’ Louise shook her head, embarrassed at her outburst but still cross. ‘We won’t talk because I don’t want to hear it, Anton.’ And then turned and left.
She was done.
‘WHAT HAPPENED?’ EMILY asked, when Louise returned a couple of hours later to the ward.
‘Sorry, I just got waylaid.’
‘Louise?’
‘I’m fine.’
‘You’ve been crying.’
‘There’s nothing wrong.’
‘Louise?’ Emily frowned when she saw Louise’s smile was wavering as she took Emily’s blood pressure. ‘What’s going on? Look, I’m bored out of my mind. I mean, I am so seriously bored and I’m fed up with people thinking I can’t have a normal conversation, or that they only tell me nice things.’ Emily was truly concerned because she hadn’t seen red eyes on Louise in a very long time. ‘Wesley isn’t contacting you again?’
‘No, no.’ Louise sat down on the bed, even though Brenda might tell her off.
‘Tell me.’ Emily took her hand.
‘Anton.’ Louise gulped. Certainly she wasn’t going to scare Emily and tell her all that had gone on with Felicity’s baby but they really were speaking as friends.
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