over his face. It thinned his mouth, it tightened his jaw and it left his dark blue gaze achingly empty as it connected with hers.
‘We had an argument the night before,’ he said, a frown bringing his brows almost together over his eyes. ‘I don’t even remember what it was about now, something silly to do with the wedding seating arrangements, I think. She left in a huff and I was my usual pigheaded self, brooding over it for hours without doing anything to sort things out.’
Kellie sat in silence, somehow sensing he was letting his guard down in a way he had never done before. It made her feel an intimate connection with him, unlike anything she had felt with anyone else in the past.
His mouth contorted again as he continued, ‘She was spending the week with her parents so I didn’t bother ringing her the next morning. I planned to go round that evening with flowers and an apology but, of course, I was too late. A car ran a red light and ploughed straight into her on her way to school that morning. She died a few minutes later at the scene.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ Kellie said in a voice whisper soft.
He brought his gaze back to hers, the bleakness of it making her ache for him. ‘I often lie awake at night and wonder what she was thinking in those final moments as her life ebbed away,’ he said. ‘I wonder if she was thinking about me, our wedding and all the plans we’d made.’
Kellie brushed at her eyes. ‘It must have been an absolute nightmare for you. I don’t know how you coped.’
He gave her a crooked smile but it was grim, not humorous. ‘It felt like a nightmare at the time,’ he said. ‘I kept thinking surely someone’s going to tap me on the shoulder and say “April Fool” or something, but each day was the same as the one before. The grief was like a thick fog, I couldn’t see through it and no one could get to me through its black heavy shroud. I even thought about … you know … ending it all.’
‘What stopped you?’
His gaze meshed with hers. ‘See these?’ he asked, holding out his hands palms upwards.
Kellie nodded.
He looked down at his outstretched hands. ‘These hands have been trained to save lives. I gave up years of my life to train to be a doctor. I had to work harder than most as I didn’t have the support of my parents, who were too busy feuding with each other to take much notice of me. I thought it would be selfish of me to end it all when I could put my life to much better use.’
‘So you came out to the bush.’
His eyes came back to hers. ‘Yes. Out here I can make a difference. My life counts for something, even though it is not the life I had originally planned for myself.’
Kellie leaned forward and took his hands in hers and gently squeezed. ‘You are an absolutely amazing doctor, Matt,’ she said. ‘You saved Brayden Harrison’s life today.’
‘He’s not out of the woods yet,’ he reminded her, but Kellie couldn’t help noticing he didn’t pull out of her tender hold.
‘Perhaps not,’ she said. ‘But he’s in with a chance, a chance he wouldn’t have had if you hadn’t been there to do what needed to be done.’
His fingers curled around hers, his slightly rough touch against her smooth one sending her pulse skyrocketing. She ran her tongue over her lips again, mesmerised by the dark intensity of his gaze as it held hers.
The doorbell of the suite sounded, announcing the arrival of their meals, and broke the moment. Matt dropped her hands as if they were hot coals and strode over to the answer the door.
The trolley was wheeled in and Matt gave the young attendant a tip on his way out before coming back to where Kellie was still curled up on the makeshift bed.
‘We should eat this before it gets cold,’ he said, without meeting her gaze.
Kellie knew he was regretting his earlier outburst of guilt and grief. She had experienced it so many times with her brothers, the way they let their guard down and then pulled away from her as if they were worried she would exploit their brief vulnerability. ‘Matt?’ she said softly.
He took the lid off one of the plates. ‘This is your fish,’ he said, and handed it to her with a closed-off expression.
‘Don’t shut me out,’ she said, ignoring the outstretched plate. ‘Come on, Matt, you just let me into your deepest pain and now you’re shoving me away.’
He blew out a breath and slapped the plate back down on the trolley. ‘Don’t eat it, then, see if I give a damn.’
She got to her feet and tugged at his arm. ‘Matt, look at me,’ she said. ‘Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You can’t bring her back no matter how much you want to. It wasn’t your fault she died. You weren’t to blame.’
He brushed off her arm, his eyes blazing as they hit hers. ‘What would you know?’ he barked at her savagely. ‘What the hell would you know about how I feel?’
‘I know more than you realise,’ she said with quiet dignity. ‘I know that you feel somehow responsible for Madeleine’s death. I also know you are punishing yourself as if in some way that will make things right, but it won’t, Matt. You won’t make things right by doing wrong things.’
‘What wrong things am I doing?’ he asked, still glaring at her heatedly.
She came over to where he was standing, so close he had no where to go but back up against the wall. ‘You didn’t die in that accident with her, Matt,’ she said. ‘You’re still alive and entitled to live a fulfilling life. You have the right to enjoy what life has to offer, you don’t have to be a hermit out there in the bush. You can have a new love, maybe even a happy future, with marriage and babies.’
His lip curled in a sneer. ‘Is that why you came out here?’ he asked, ‘to find a husband and sperm donor?’
Kellie flinched away from his crude bitterness. ‘I came out here because I needed a change of scene. My family has become too dependent on me and my love life totally sucks, so all round it seemed like a good solution.’
He moved past her to lift the lid off the other plate. ‘I’m not interested in auditioning for the role of fill-in partner while you sort out your relationship and family issues. When I feel ready to look for another relationship I will do so in my own good time and not a minute before.’
‘Only because you’re afraid of being hurt again,’ she said. ‘It’s understandable. My father is the same but it doesn’t mean either of you don’t deserve to live life to its fullest potential. You are, what, thirty-three or -four? You have more than half your life ahead of you. What are you doing, locking yourself away from all that life has to offer?’
He picked up the napkin-wrapped cutlery and sat on the bed with his plate balanced on his lap. ‘I’m happy with my life the way it is. I work, I eat and I sleep.’
Kellie gave her eyes a roll of exasperation. ‘Yes, but you do it all alone.’
‘Only the sleeping part,’ he said, sticking his fork into a floret of broccoli and popping it into his mouth.
Her eyes widened. ‘You’ve been celibate for six years?’
