found online that’d intrigued me.
I would learn more.
I would do my exercises.
I would defecate perfectly.
I would write a poem, or lullaby, or do a pencil drawing.
I would get headaches and cramps and fears.
I would ignore them.
I would learn more. Then I’d sleep.
I sleep less. I found I didn’t need as many revitalising hours as I had previously indulged in. Getting up before sunrise was now a regular thing. I like waking in the dark. It meant I could engender a routine. I could warm up before physio and make myself something with perfect nutritional value for breakfast.
I learnt about health and the body obsessively.
Did you know that a stitch when you run is caused by your diaphragm? It gets pulled around when you jog, so if it hurts take a slower, more even pace and longer smoother breaths.
Did you know that if your food wasn’t mixed with your saliva then you wouldn’t be able to taste it?
Did you know the average person falls asleep in 7 minutes?
Did you know that stewardesses is the longest word you can type using only your left hand when utilising a standard keyboard in the correct manner?
Did you know 8% of people have an extra rib?
I used to be an eight hours a night man or I was useless. I need only five and half now and they serve me better than my sleep ever did before. In my waking hours I feel more awake than I ever have.
I couldn’t read, my brain wasn’t letting me yet. But I could focus on the little things and block out the distracting thoughts. In short, I could listen like a motherfucker. Pardon my French. Lack of inhibitive reflex plus mild aphasia there: ‘impaired ability to speak the appropriate word for the scenario, or the one your brain is searching for.’ In other words, I send for a good formal noun, in this case ‘genius’, but by the time it comes down the chute some joker has switched it for ‘motherfucker.’ Apologies again.
I longed for things passionately, like I never had before.
I wanted to run.
I wanted to watch movies and fully understand them.
I wanted to climb remote exotic mountains.
I wanted mystery and love and mysterious love.
I wanted to be able to drive.
‘For the moment, it’s best if you don’t drive. Order from on high. Probably an insurance thing, something like that.’
I know he’s lying but I appreciate his tact. He has an upright stance. He has initiative. Gumption. I like him. I give him a thumbs-up.
A crease in his face tells me he’s not sure whether this gesture is an ironic manoeuvre. Little does he know I don’t have anywhere near the outward mental processing speed required for irony yet.
He moves on and says some more things with his mouth. I take my cheat pad out of my pocket and write. You see, I can still write, as the part of my brain that turns thoughts into symbols works fine, but curiously the bit that interprets those symbols back into words? Different matter. Pun intended.
So I know I won’t be able to read this back but the act of writing it down helps me commit it to memory. I observe. The others peer at me but I block them out with ease, with my genius focus. I write:
Upright stance. Gumption. Fair and balding. Wire frame circular glasses. Highly Caucasian.
On the upper left of his jacket, where his breast would be, are some symbols. A word I think. It starts with an L.
L. E. Then one I can’t make out, then an I, and it ends with another E. The process takes a while and my straining to establish the word at this point has become a spectacle, which everyone is pretending manfully not to notice.
LE_I_E. Lee? Can I call him Lee? Leon. Lean? Levine? Levine! I’ve heard that somewhere before. Ah. Of course. Levine. So that’s Levine. I remember him. I think he’s recently been promoted.
Levine. Or Upright-Gumption-Bald-Glasses-White-Face. As I will call him. In my mind.
I turn and see another man to my right, close to my head. He holds out his hand, luckily, because that means he might whisper his name. I may have seen him before, it’s quite possible. I’ll probably remember him. Because, you see, it’s not the remembering exactly I struggle with. No, it’s not that, it’s another thing.
‘Hey. I’m Emre Bartu. Good to meet you,’ he says with a wink.
Yes. He’ll do. I keep out my cheat sheet and start to write.
Bouncy. Kind. Black hair. Deep voice. Brown face.
I realise I haven’t said anything back to him. As is certainly customary. I think I just locked eyes with him and started writing.
Multi-tasking is hard so I have to stop for a second to mutter something pleasant-sounding to him.
‘I’m Tom Mondrian. Can you stay still please? I’m looking at your head.’
He smiles and does so. He nods, his eyes flicker to the side, which indicates he’s a bit confused by all this. Then he holds his pose like he’s having his school photo taken.
A thought hits me from nowhere that someone once said he was Turkish. I don’t know where I got that from but my mind has offered it to me as useful information so it’s best to follow it up.
‘You’re a Turkey,’ I say.
‘What mate?’ he says.
‘Sorry. I mean. You’re a Turkey.’
‘What?’
‘Sorry. Shit. I mean. You’re a Turkey. Ahhh,’ I shout, frustrated. Damn aphasia.
The room looks up for a second and I hold up my hand to apologise. They go back to talking about their beat, what they have to do that day, that kind of thing.
‘Sorry. You’re a Turkey. Shit! You’re… Turkish?’ I bend my voice at the last minute, it had taken so long to splutter it into the world I’d forgotten that it was supposed to be a question.
‘Yes, mate. That’s right.’ We nod. Agreeing with each other.
I’m pleased with this. I run the words over in my head.
This word pattern forms what is called a Feature by Feature Recognition Strategy. I slip the note back in my pocket.
*
The physio came to me every day but I had to go and see Dr Ryans twice a week. The journey itself was a good test and I’m sure he was aware of that. We went through a series of facial recognition exercises
