poor thing.’ The old lady’s eyes were fixed on the key in Alice’s hand. ‘Have you bought this place?’
Alice nodded miserably.
‘Well, you’ll certainly have your work cut out here, no doubt about it.’ Seeing the look of desperation on Alice’s face, she did her best to offer support. ‘But it’ll all work out, you’ll see. Are you going to be all right now?’
Alice collected herself. ‘Yes, thank you. Thank you very much. And I’m Alice, by the way.’
‘Joyce Parker from number 44. Just come and bang on the door if you need anything.’ She gave a cheery wave and set off with the dog once more.
Alice pushed the key into the rusty lock. The paintwork alongside it was greasy with accumulated filth. The key turned surprisingly easily and she pushed it open. The door soon came up against an immovable obstacle and stopped. She stuck her head round the edge and made two discoveries. First, the hall was filled from top to bottom with piles of old newspapers and cardboard boxes. Second, the smell in there was absolutely overpowering. She whipped her head back outside again, desperately blowing the infected air from her lungs. It smelt like a long-dead corpse. Or at least what she imagined a long-dead corpse might smell like. She came very close to vomiting as she recoiled away and slumped down on the low brick wall.
‘You poor thing.’
For a moment she thought Joyce Parker from number 44 had come back. She half-turned. Instead, she saw a friendly-looking younger woman, holding a little baby, standing in the doorway next door. They exchanged glances.
‘Just been inside, have you?’ She gave Alice a gentle smile.
‘Only my nose, but that was enough.’ If the other woman hadn’t been there, Alice would have cleared her throat and spat on the ground. As it was, she burrowed in her bag for a mint. She took one and offered the packet. The other woman shook her head.
‘You look as if you could do with a cup of tea.’
Alice gave her a grateful nod. ‘Anything to get rid of that smell.’
‘Come on in.’ Alice walked back out onto the pavement and along to the next-door gate. The woman ushered her inside. It was a cosy house. There were toys on a sheet on the lounge floor and a huge stockpile of disposable nappies behind the kitchen door.
‘Hello. I’m Vicky. And this little bundle of joy is Daniel. Do have a seat. Do I presume you are the brave person who has bought the loony lady’s house?’ She filled the kettle and turned it on with one experienced hand, while the other still clutched the child.
‘Wrong adjective, I’m afraid. I’m the stupid person. No bravery at all. My name is Alice Grant. Thanks for taking me in.’
‘Why stupid, Alice?’ The little child had fixed Alice with a steady and slightly unnerving stare. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat.
‘I committed the cardinal sin of buying it online, without coming to see it.’ She snorted in exasperation. ‘And I thought I was a pretty canny sort of person.’
‘Do you want to hang onto Danny for a moment? He’s being a bit grouchy. I’ll just make the tea.’ Alice didn’t have much experience with little children but, before she could put up any sort of objection, Vicky had passed the baby across. She took him gingerly. The child turned towards her and stared hard into her eyes. Alice could see that he was debating whether to bawl the house down. She surprised herself by bending her head towards him and kissing his cheek noisily, while murmuring something incomprehensible. The baby gave a delighted gurgle and treated her to a toothless smile. She sat back up, stunned by the emergence of this hitherto unsuspected maternal instinct.
‘You’ve got a fan there.’ Vicky poured two mugs of tea and set them on the table while the little boy continued to beam up at Alice. ‘The house must have come as a bit of a shock to the system. You looked as white as a sheet back there.’
Alice took the tea with a grateful smile. ‘Thanks. It certainly was a shock. And then there was the smell. It positively reeks.’ She caught Vicky’s eye. ‘You don’t think there’s a dead body in there, do you?’
She got a broad smile in return. ‘No, definitely not. There would be no space for a body to fit in there. Have you seen the piles of rubbish everywhere?’
Somewhat reassured, Alice decided to see how much information she could elicit. ‘So what’s the story, Vicky? Who is – was – the loony lady?’
‘Mary Browning. That’s her name. I’ve only been here since last summer, but my landlord told me all about her. He and his wife lived here for ten years before that and she had already been living here for a good while. When they moved in, she was almost normal, but she went downhill very fast.’
‘What does “almost normal” mean?’ Alice found she was enjoying the feel of the little baby in her arms.
‘Well, they said there were already piles of rubble and rocks in the garden, but the house was reasonably uncluttered. Over the next few years the garden turned into a disaster area. You haven’t seen it yet? You’ll see what I mean when you go round the back. Then it was the turn of the house. She started hoarding stuff until it got like it is today.’ She looked across at Alice. ‘To be honest, that’s why I managed to get this house at a decent rent. Nobody wanted to live next to her.’
‘So what’s causing the smell? Surely it’s more than just dirt?’
Vicky wrinkled her face and gave an embarrassed cough. ‘I’m afraid it’s much, much more than just dirt.’ Seeing that Alice still hadn’t twigged, she found herself obliged to spell it out. ‘The men from the council who came to take her away told me her bathroom was packed solid with junk. Nobody could get into it. So she had no toilet. She had to store everything in the house.’
‘You mean, the house is full of poo?’ Hearing the tone of her voice, the little boy stopped smiling and wriggled. Absentmindedly, Alice kissed him again and he settled down.
‘Last autumn she started dumping it in the back alley. Then she started pouring it onto Lyndhurst Avenue. That was when we called the Environmental Health people.’ She looked up in annoyance. ‘And you know what they said? If you or I were to go out in the street and pee in the middle of the road, we would be committing an offence.’
Alice shrugged her shoulders in agreement.
‘But, if you pee in your own home and then take it out and pour it on a public highway, that’s not illegal. It goes back to medieval times.’
‘Oh, dear Lord, so how did you get her out?’
‘Shortly after that, last winter, she started pouring the stuff,’ she was looking embarrassed now, ‘and I’m not just talking about pee, over the walls into the gardens along the back lane, mine included. The council put up a closed circuit camera and caught her in the act. Well, a number of acts to be honest.’ She wrinkled her nose. ‘Not nice at all. Anyway, as a result, she was sectioned and removed.’
The little boy had closed his eyes by this time and was drifting off to sleep. Vicky nodded approvingly. ‘Sorry it’s an unpleasant shock for you. But for me it’s wonderful to find that the place is finally going to be cleaned up. And, the fact that the developer is a talented childminder is an added bonus. Danny will be very pleased
