don’t understand why the police aren’t working harder on this,’ I said, anger and frustration simmering inside me.
‘I’m sure they are,’ Sarah reassured me. She stood and rolled her neck in slow circles. ‘Investigations take time.’
‘They said the bruises were probably from the fall. But you saw them, right? They were fingerprints. Somebody did this to her.’
Sarah looked away, and I could tell she didn’t really agree.
I didn’t like everything I said second-guessed, my emotions and my sanity questioned. I knew what I’d seen. I just had no way to prove it meant what I thought it did.
‘They’re still investigating,’ she repeated. ‘We have to let them do their job.’
I glared at her. ‘I know you don’t understand, but I need to know what happened.’
Flames of anger curled in my stomach, and the air between us tightened. After our mother died, it was me who acted out and raged. Sarah had stayed calm and composed. She’d organized the funeral, taken care of the will, boxed up all my things and moved me in with her.
I was a basket case in comparison. I wailed and wept, wanted to know why Mom was dead, who I could blame. When I didn’t get answers I wallowed, sinking into the grief and letting it hold me like a warm bath. That’s what losing your only parent when you’re ten does – it makes it so you can’t ever let go.
Sarah didn’t want to talk about Mom at all. She wasn’t interested in remembering and certainly didn’t want me talking about that day. Her emotionless, brisk efficiency made me doubt my feelings. I wondered why I cared so much, but she didn’t.
Over time I’d learned to hide my emotions. But on the inside I was still just a wreck, barely keeping it together.
‘Of course I understand,’ Sarah said, her forehead creasing with hurt. ‘I get it. I want to help. I know people at the Seattle Police Department through work. I’ll call around. See if anybody there can help.’
‘I don’t need a shrink picking my brain apart.’ I gritted my teeth. ‘I need to know what happened to Olivia. Besides, I can’t pay for it.’
‘I don’t mean a counselor. And I don’t mean in an official capacity, just as a favor. Maybe they can ask around, get some insight into what the Portage Point police are doing, what they’re thinking.’
My pulse raced through my clenched muscles. I looked away, wanting her to stop talking.
‘The baby’s doing well,’ she said, changing the subject.
She reached over and touched Olivia’s stomach. Somehow, despite so many tests, drugs, and X-rays, the baby was healthy. It was growing at a normal rate, swimming in the space beneath where my daughter’s heart pumped blood around her body.
I dug my fingernails into the skin of my upper arms until they left pale, moon-shaped dents, then raked them across my upper arms, scratching at the invisible itch. The pain was sharp, intense, but in a way that felt good.
‘Abi, stop!’ Sarah exclaimed, her voice sharp as a ragged hangnail.
‘Then stop talking about the baby!’
‘Why?’ Her brow puckered.
‘Don’t you get it?’ I exploded. The spark of anger lit and consumed my insides, suddenly so bulky that I couldn’t sit still. I launched out of my chair and crossed the room to stare out the window. The maple trees that lined the park across the street were nearly bare, slowly losing the last of their crimson and gold leaves.
‘Get what?’
I whirled to face her. ‘When the baby’s born, Olivia will die! So stop harping on about the baby, because that deadline means my daughter fucking dies!’
I didn’t wait for her reply. I pushed past her and ran out the door, down the stairs, back into the driving rain.
× × ×
Back at home, I felt a deep, dark self-loathing stealing over me. I shouldn’t have blown up at Sarah.
Whatever problems I’d had with my sister, whatever resentment I’d held in my heart, Sarah had always been my rock. Even when my mom was alive, it was Sarah my teachers called if I was sick, Sarah who helped me with my homework. When I was five and got lost when we were picnicking at the beach, it was Sarah I howled for under the hot white sun. I was alone and she ran to me, shouting my name, and I knew I was safe. I never felt that way with my mom.
A sudden, vivid memory of my mother the day she died flashed through me: the blood, the screaming – was it Sarah or me? – the gun still hanging from her finger. I’d lost my mother and my childhood in one cruel day. I guess being angry and blaming Sarah was easier than moving on.
Fuck. I scrubbed my hands over my eyes. I was such a mess.
I crossed the living room to the small oak desk in the corner next to the fireplace and sat down. Once my old laptop had booted up, I opened my e-mail, prepared to send a request for another leave of absence to my boss.
I had thirty-four new e-mails: a mix of junk mail, persistent interview requests, well-wishers at work, friends and acquaintances in the community who were too scared to talk to me face-to-face. And then my eye fell on something else.
Your invoice from Apple – Invoice APPLE ID
Tears sprang to my eyes. It was yet another reminder that Olivia wasn’t here anymore. I didn’t need to pay this bill anymore, but I didn’t want to stop because that would be an admission that my daughter wasn’t coming back.
I wanted to drop my head to the desk and let my broken heart overwhelm me. Instead I took a deep breath and typed iCloud.com into the browser. I logged in with her e-mail and password, which I’d insisted she give me when I bought us both the iPhones, and a number of brightly colored icons filled my screen: e-mail, contacts, calendar, photos. The guts of Olivia’s life were here.
I clicked the Mail icon, but the mailbox was empty except for a welcome e-mail. I shut it and moved on to Contacts. There were hundreds of people listed. Some I knew, but a lot I didn’t. I scrolled slowly down the page, staring hard at each name. Who were they? Had one of these people hurt Olivia? Next I opened Photos.
At first I didn’t understand what I was seeing. Horror stole over me like a mist, uncurling deep within. And then a fiery knot began to burn in my stomach.
I squeezed my eyes tightly shut, then opened them again. The pictures were still there. The first one was slightly blurry, as if it had been zoomed in from far away. Olivia was standing outside her school staring at something in the distance. Somebody had drawn devil horns over her head and a red line across her throat with what looked like drops of blood below.
Die bitch! was written across the bottom.
In the second one, Olivia’s face was colored over in hard, angry scribbles, a red noose twisted around her throat. But I could tell it was Olivia by the clothes she wore, her favorite swim-team shirt. I leaned closer to read the red text.
