Sue instead. Growing up, she was the one I was closest to. I made her swear that she would take it to the grave. Two minutes after we hung up my mother called in hysterics. She said that I should have known better and I should come right back to the ranch where I belonged. I was a simple country girl and people would always try to take advantage of me. And it was high time I realized that I would never make it on my own, and I needed my family. She wouldn’t even let me try to explain. She ended the conversation by saying how disappointed she was in me.”
“That’s a tough one,” he said.
“It gets worse. My dad called me later that day to say that the family had had a meeting and everyone agreed that I had to come home.”
His eyes went wide. “Your mom told the whole family?”
Clare nodded. “Of course I told my dad no, I wouldn’t be coming home. I was too ashamed and mortified to show my face. No one even bothered to ask if I was okay. Then my siblings started calling me, trying to shame me into coming back home, saying how much everyone missed me. It’s horrible when everyone you love and care about turns their back on you. I was devastated.”
“You had every right to be. They betrayed your trust.”
“They would tell you that I betrayed theirs.”
“They’re dead wrong. And shame on your brothers and sisters for not being there for you.”
“Aunt Kay was the only one who believed me. Who cared. She invited me to come stay with her until I was back on my feet. I spent most of the first month in bed. But Kay was friends with the hospital administrator at Royal Memorial and she got me an interview. I didn’t want to go, but she insisted. It was probably the best thing she could have done for me. With work to focus on I was able to put what happened behind me. Originally I had planned to get my own place, but we realized that it didn’t make sense. Kay only uses the house as a home base when she isn’t traveling, which isn’t very often. She likes having someone here to keep an eye on things. It ended up being a perfect situation for both of us.”
He shook his head, looking baffled. “I don’t even know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything. Besides, I’m not finished.”
“It gets worse?”
“I’ve only ever told Aunt Kay, because I knew she of all people would understand. It’s very difficult to talk about the things that he did to me. But I have to tell you.”
He looked pained. “You don’t have to tell me.”
She took a deep breath and blew it out, trembling from head to toe. “No, I want to. I need to.”
He put his hand on her shoulder. “Only if you’re ready.”
“He was my first. And I know that sounds crazy considering my age, but I wanted to save myself for someone special. It’s how I was raised. I honestly thought he was the one. That’s why I let him do what he wanted to do.”
“Which was?”
She swallowed hard. You can do this. “He liked it...rough.”
Parker winced. “But not your first time. Right?”
Though she wanted to bow her head in shame, she held it high instead. “He didn’t force me, and I could have said no, but I was so head over heels for him, I would have done anything he asked. Even though it terrified me. He got off on my fear.”
Looking confused, Parker asked, “So, am I to understand that every time you had sex with him, you were scared? Or am I way off base?”
She took a deep breath and blew it out. “Every time. Some more than others. It depended on his mood. Near the end of the relationship he had begun to get very aggressive. And again, I could have walked away. I chose to stay.”
“This doctor have a name?” Parker asked, jaw clenched. “In honor of your dignity and self-respect, I’d like to kick his teeth in.”
“He wouldn’t be worth the effort. He was a sleazebag. He’ll probably always be one. It was just poor judgment on my part.”
“Listen to me,” Parker said, gently cradling her face in his hands. “It’s not your fault.”
She folded her hands over his. “I know that now, but it still stings after all this time. I’m still humiliated. Without fail, every time I’m visiting the farm someone makes a snide remark about the relationship. They’ll never let me live it down.”
“You’re giving them way too much power,” he said.
“Probably. And I hope that someday I can let it go. I’m just not ready yet.”
“What can I do?” he said.
“Just be patient with me. ”
“I can do that,” he said with a smile. After everything she’d just revealed, all the pain she had spilled out, she could smile, too. It felt good to talk about it. To let off some of the pressure.
“After it was over, it took years before I wanted to have sex again,” she told him, “and a long time after that before I could let myself enjoy it. I’ve come a long way since then, but I’m still not one hundred percent there. Maybe I’ll never be.”
“No, you will be.”
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