baby was born and she and her husband have driven one hundred miles today as there was no room for them in the helicopter.’ Oh, he told her, even if it was Izzy, he told her, even as she opened her mouth to say that she’d see the patient, still he told her, because Diego knew Izzy was far better than that. ‘Now she can’t settle and is doing her best not to go into meltdown. Can I get a doctor to prescribe me some sedation?’
‘I’m sorry, okay?’ Izzy’s apology was instant and genuine—she had never been one to dash off at the end of her shift, but Evelyn had unsettled her, not to mention Diego. She was having great trouble keeping her mask from slipping, but it wasn’t the patients’ fault. ‘Of course I’ll see her.’
Maria was agitated and pacing and the very last thing she needed was endless questions and an examination, and Izzy could see that. Diego had given her a good brief and on gentle questioning Izzy found out what medications the patient was on.
‘If I could just get some sleep,’ Maria pleaded, and Izzy nodded.
‘I’ll be back in just a moment.’
She was and so too was a nurse from the neonatal unit to relieve Diego.
‘Take two tablets now,’ Izzy said, and gave the handover nurse the rest of the bottle. ‘She can have two more at two a.m., but don’t wake her if she’s resting. Will someone be able to check her?’
‘Absolutely,’ Diego said. ‘Maria’s staying in the parents’ wing, but I’ll get my staff to pop in and see her through the night.’
‘I’m sure,’ Izzy said to her patient, ‘that once you’ve had a decent rest you’ll be feeling a lot better. I’m on in the morning,’ Izzy added, writing some notes. ‘If Maria doesn’t settle,’ Izzy added to the nurse, ‘she’ll need to come back down to us.’
It was straightforward and simple and as the nurse took Maria back up to the ward, Diego thanked her.
‘I’m sorry if I came on strong.’
‘Not at all,’ Izzy said. ‘She needed to be seen. It’s just been a...’ She stopped talking; he didn’t need to hear about her difficult shift, so she gave him a brief smile and walked on.
Except Diego was going off duty too.
‘How’s faking it going?’ Had he fallen into step beside her that morning, or even an hour ago, Izzy would have managed a laugh and a witty retort, but even a smile seemed like hard work right now, so she just hitched her bag up higher and walked more briskly through the sliding doors and into the ambulance forecourt. But Diego’s legs were longer than hers, and he kept up easily.
‘Izzy, I was wondering....’
‘Do you mind?’ She put up her hand to stop him talking, gave an incredulous shake of her head. What was it with people today that they couldn’t take a hint if she stood there and semaphored them? ‘I just want...’ Oh, God, she was going to cry.
Not here.
Not now.
She hadn’t yet cried.
Oh, there had been some tears, but Izzy had been too scared to really cry, to break down, because if she did, maybe she wouldn’t stop.
Scared that if she showed her agony to others they would run when they saw the real her, and scared to do it alone because it was so big, this black, ever-moving shape that had no clear edges, that grew and shrank and transformed.
But she couldn’t outrun that black cloud tonight.
She was trying not to cry, trying to breathe and trying to walk away from him to get to her car, as she had tried to that awful night.
No, there was no getting away from it.
Her hands were shaking so much she dropped her keys and it took all her strength not to sink to her knees and break down right there. Instead she got into the car, sat gripping the wheel, holding it in and begging it to pass, but it held her a moment longer, pinning her down. She sat in her car and she was tired, so tired and angry and ashamed and sad...
Sad.
Sad was bigger than angry, bigger than tired, bigger than her.
It was in every cell and it multiplied. It was the membrane of every cell and the nucleus within, it spread and it grew and it consumed and she couldn’t escape it any longer. As she doubled over she could feel her baby kick inside and it was so far from the dream, so removed from anything she had envisaged when she had walked down that aisle, that the only word was sad.
She didn’t even jump when the passenger door opened and Diego slid into the passenger seat.
‘Can’t you just leave me alone?’
Diego thought about it for a moment then gave an honest answer. ‘It would seem not.’
‘You know, don’t you?’ Izzy said, because everyone else did and so he surely must.
‘A little,’ Diego admitted. ‘I didn’t at first, but that morning, when you came to my office, I’d just found out.’
‘I thought you were a bit awkward.’
Maybe for a second, Diego thought, but he’d been awkward for another reason that morning, but now wasn’t really the time to tell her.
‘I’ve done something stupid...’ Izzy said. ‘Just then, when you asked me to see Maria.’ He sat patiently, waiting for her to explain. ‘I had a woman, I think her husband beats her—actually, I don’t think, I know. She wouldn’t let me help her. I can see now that I rushed in, but I didn’t want her to go home to him. I knew what he’d be like when they got home, you could just tell he was annoyed that she was even at the hospital, even though he’d put her there. Anyway, she wouldn’t let me get a social worker or the police....’ She turned and saw the flash of worry on his face. ‘I didn’t confront him or anything, he’s none the wiser that I know.’
‘You can’t help her if she doesn’t want it.’
‘I gave her my phone number.’ Izzy waited for his reaction, waited for him to tell her not to get involved, that she had been foolish, but instead he thought for a long moment before commenting.
‘I think,’ he said slowly, ‘that your phone number would be a very nice thing to have.’ She blinked. ‘And I’m not flirting,’ Diego said, and she actually gave a small smile. ‘Other times I flirt, but not then. Did you talk to anyone?’
‘No,’ Izzy admitted. ‘Megan, we’re friends,’ she explained, ‘asked me what was wrong once, and I remember then that I nearly told her. God—’ regret wrapped her words ‘—I wish I had. I was on my way to my mum’s when it happened—I was going to tell her. Henry and I had had a massive row that morning. I knew I was pregnant, that I had to get out of the marriage. I told him I was leaving, I still wasn’t sure how, but I came to work, scraped through the shift and afterwards I was going to land on my parents’ doorstep...’ she gave a shrug ‘...or Megan’s. All I knew was that I wasn’t going home.’
‘What if someone had given you a phone number?’ Diego asked. ‘If you had known that that person knew what it was like...’
