Colossally. Stupid.
“Mr. Duke, you’ll never guess what—”
Gabe lifted his head.
Hammond fidgeted in the doorway. “I’d something to show you, but perhaps this isn’t a good time.”
“No, no.” Gabe launched to his feet. “It’s a good time.”
It was, in fact, the best possible time. He’d never been so happy to be interrupted.
Hammond led him to the upstairs bath, where he gestured expansively toward the tub. “Behold, the latest in modern conveniences. Hot running water.”
“You’re certain this time?”
“The tradesman repaired the boiler yesterday. I tested it just this morning. Piping hot.”
As his architect turned the tap, Gabe crossed his arms and kept a safe distance. He’d let Hammond take the chances today.
Happily, the tap did not explode like a cannon packed with icy shrapnel.
Unhappily, what pooled in the bathtub was a trickle of rusty sludge.
“Deuce it.” Hammond closed the tap and kicked at the tiled floor. “I swear on everything holy, this was working an hour ago. Burns probably hexed it.”
“The housekeeper? Don’t start in on that nonsense again.”
“I tell you, she’s unnatural. I don’t know if she’s a ghost, a witch, a demon, or something worse. But that woman is of the Devil.”
“Ahem.”
Startled, both Gabe and Hammond wheeled around.
There stood Mrs. Burns. Even Gabe had to admit, these sudden appearances were growing unsettling.
Hammond raised his fingers in the shape of a cross. “I rebuke thee.”
“Good afternoon, Mrs. Burns,” Gabe said. “We didn’t hear your footsteps.”
“I was always taught, Mr. Duke, that servants should draw as little attention to themselves as possible.”
She certainly had their attention now.
Wordlessly, Hammond lifted his arm, extended a single finger, and poked the housekeeper in the shoulder.
Mrs. Burns stared at him. “Yes, Mr. Hammond?”
“Solid corporeal form,” he muttered. “Interesting.”
Gabe gave him an elbow to the ribs, sending the architect’s “corporeal form” stumbling against the sludge-filled tub. “Is there something we can do for you, Mrs. Burns?”
“I only came to inform you that you have a letter, sir. It’s just arrived.”
“The post came this morning.”
“This letter didn’t come through the post, Mr. Duke. It’s from Lady Penelope Campion.”
Dear Mr. Duke,
As requested, here is an inventory of the animals in my care:
Bixby, a two-legged terrier.
Marigold, a nanny goat of unimpeachable character, who is definitely not breeding.
Angus, a three-year-old Highland steer.
Regan, Goneril, and Cordelia—laying hens.
Delilah, a parrot.
Hubert, an otter.
Freya, a hedgehog.
Thirteen kittens of varying colors and dispositions.
Gabe leafed through the report in disbelief. It went on for pages. She’d given not only the names, breeds, and ages of every misbegotten creature, but she’d appended a chart of temperaments, sleeping schedules, preferred bedding, and a list of dietary requirements that would beggar a moderately successful tradesman. Along with the expected hay, alfalfa, corn, and seed, the animals required several pounds of mince weekly, daily pints of fresh cream, and an ungodly number of sardines.
The steer and the goat, she insisted, must go to the same loving home. Apparently they were tightly bonded, whatever that meant, and refused to eat if parted.
The laying hens did not actually lay with any regularity. Their previous owners had grown frustrated with this paltry production, and thus they had come into Her Ladyship’s care.
And the lucky bastard who accepted a ten-year-old hedgehog? Well, he must not only provide a steady supply of mealworms, but remain ever mindful of certain “traumatic experiences in her youth.”
He had to read that bit three times to believe it.
Traumatic experiences in her youth.
Unbelievable.
The world teemed with children who received less food and attention than she gave the least of these creatures. Gabe knew it well. He’d been one of them. At the workhouse, he’d subsisted on broth, bread, and a few morsels of cheese every week—when his diet hadn’t been restricted as a punishment for misbehavior, which it usually was.
He didn’t have time for this, and he didn’t trust himself to linger over the task, either. That would mean calling on Lady Penelope at least as many times as there were creatures on this list. Considering they had less than a month to resettle the animals, that would mean seeing her virtually every day. Too many opportunities for stupidity.
Loving homes, his eye. He was tempted to escort all the creatures on a loving journey to the nearest butcher. What Her Ladyship didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her.
Then again, if Her Ladyship happened to discover it later, it would likely come back to hurt him. And even Gabe wasn’t quite so ruthless as to send an innocent hedgehog to slaughter.
Not the butcher’s, then. But there had to be somewhere he could take them all in one go. He didn’t suppose a menagerie would be interested in an ancient hedgehog or a trio of nonlaying laying hens. Releasing a compromised goat and its best friend, Angus the Highland steer, into the middle of Hyde Park … ? That seemed unlikely to go unnoticed.
A city the size of London offered few, if any, possibilities.
What he needed was a farm.
“Then what happened?” Emma held the measuring tape stretched from Penny’s neck to her wrist, waiting on her answer.
“And
