far less win it?
* * *
‘Rafiq.’ A gentle hand on his shoulder roused him. Daylight streamed through the high window. He blinked. Silence. No wheezing. ‘Is she...?’
‘See for yourself.’ Stephanie’s smile was strained. ‘A miracle,’ she said.
Rafiq rubbed his eyes. Not a miracle, but an exhausted horse with a soaking wet coat and a streaming nose settling down for a long-overdue sleep. ‘Sherifa.’ Rafiq scrabbled to his feet. The mare tossed her head and attempted a wheezy whinny.
‘She’s made it. I’m not sure if she’ll ever be fit for breeding again, but...’
‘She’s alive.’ Rafiq ran his fingers along the horse’s back. ‘You saved her.’
‘We saved her,’ Stephanie said.
He caught her to him, hugging her tightly, burying his head in her hair. ‘Thank you. You can have no idea how much this means.’
‘I do.’
‘No, you don’t.’ He staggered. The stable floor began to tip and tilt. ‘I killed her, Stephanie.’ His legs wouldn’t hold him any longer. He slid down on to the floor, dropping his head on to his hands. ‘I killed Elmira.’
‘Rafiq!’ Stephanie wrapped her arms around him. ‘Rafiq, you are overwrought. You don’t know what you are saying. Elmira died in her sleep. Aida told me.’
He was so tempted to agree. He was so tired. But it was said now, there was no taking it back. He lifted his head. ‘Aida told you what everyone believes. Only I know the truth.’
He felt light-headed and heavy-witted at the same time. Elmira, Sherifa and Stephanie had become confused in his fevered dreams, he remembered that. Looking at Stephanie now, dark shadows under her eyes, her hair lank, her skin sallow, her tunic stained, he felt something inside him stir. An odd feeling. He didn’t know what it was. He was too exhausted to work out what it was.
‘I thought she was here,’ he said. ‘Elmira. She was a permanent presence here, in the stables, in the early days of our marriage. Haunted them,’ he added with a dry laugh. ‘That’s what Jasim said. She certainly does now.’
‘You didn’t kill her. You’re not capable of killing her. I know you, Rafiq.’
‘You didn’t know me then, Stephanie. I was obsessed.’
‘You told me that. And I told you...’
‘...that my marriage made perfect royal sense. I remember. It’s no excuse. Though Elmira was happy at first, would have remained happy if I had been the husband I should have been. But even on our marriage day, I was more interested in the bloodstock that was her dowry, than my wife. I put her in the harem, I ensured she had all the clothes and jewels she desired, and I—I left her there. I visited, because it was my duty to visit for the sake of an heir, but I didn’t visit often, and I made no effort to get to know her. Elmira was my wife, but she was a stranger to me, Stephanie.’
He slid a glance at her. She didn’t like what she was hearing. Not surprising. She was trying to disguise it, but subterfuge was one of the few things at which Stephanie did not succeed. ‘Her only pleasure was the stables, the horses, Sherifa. But not only Sherifa. She had a way with horses. She could charm them, much better than I could. She didn’t like Jasim. She thought his methods harsh. She said he didn’t love them. You and Elmira—you would have agreed on that. You would have probably—you’d probably have liked each other. If I had taken the time, I’d have liked her. But I didn’t take the time.’
His head ached. His vision was slightly blurred. He narrowed his eyes. ‘Stephanie?’
She touched his hand. Only fleetingly, but he knew it was her. ‘Did you take a fall yesterday during training?’ she asked.
‘Never a day goes by without me taking a fall.’
‘I think you are mildly concussed. Look into my eyes.’
‘You won’t like what you see.’
‘Rafiq, I think...’
‘She tried to talk to me, you know. She tried to tell me that she was lonely, but I didn’t listen. Perhaps she wasn’t persistent enough or vehement enough. No, that’s no excuse. I didn’t listen to Elmira, but I did listen to Jasim. He told me she was interfering with the running of the stables. I asked her not to. He told me she was still interfering. She wanted to help with the training, she said. Impossible. Jasim would never permit it. I told her that she had to keep out of his way. She said she would, but she didn’t. I thought it was because—Bedouins, horses, I thought it was that. Perhaps it was. Perhaps it was all Jasim’s lies. Look what he did to you. I should have recognised it as a pattern, but I didn’t.’
‘You did, Rafiq. This time, you did. And you acted.’
‘Too late for Elmira.’ He closed his eyes. Darkness hovered. The floor beneath him shifted, like the deck of a ship at sea. He opened his eyes. ‘I took his side. He told you that. He didn’t tell you what he told me though, that Elmira had betrayed me with her groom. I didn’t believe it, not at first. I confronted her and she didn’t deny that she enjoyed his company, the attention. She said it was my fault for neglecting her. She said that she was lonely. She said that she only ever felt alive when she went out riding. And I told her she was forbidden to go out ever again.’
‘What about the man?’
‘Jasim sent him packing immediately. I didn’t question that. It was the right thing to do. I could hardly have questioned the man myself, for if he confirmed it, I would have been forced to divorce Elmira.’
Rafiq grabbed Stephanie’s wrist. ‘Ever since I told you half the story, in the tent, it’s been worse, not better. She’s taken up residence here,’ he said, touching his forehead. ‘So now I have to tell you all of it, do you understand?’
She shook her head. ‘I think you need to rest, Rafiq.’
‘Soon. When I am done unburdening myself. I told myself I was protecting her honour by confining her to the harem, but I see now, I was actually protecting my own interests. I didn’t want to send her back to her family. I needed her dowry, Stephanie.’
‘She was unfaithful to you.’
‘Was she? Her flirtation may have been quite innocent. It doesn’t matter whether she was unfaithful or indiscreet or both. She was truly miserable, and it was my fault. My fault that she took solace in another man’s company—whatever form that took. My fault that she withered away in the harem quite alone, a nomad confined within four walls, unable to protest because I didn’t visit her, and because I didn’t visit her, I didn’t notice. I didn’t see her interest in life itself ebb away, and I didn’t notice when she eventually decided it was not worth living.’
Stephanie paled. Her hands fluttered to her breast. ‘She took her own life?’
He was feeling nauseous. ‘Poison. A powerful sleeping draught of some sort. I found her lying here with Sherifa, who was expecting a foal.’
‘But Aida said that she died in her sleep.’
‘She
