Queenstown, and then so sick when she had assured him how much she wanted to be here.
Way to play all your cards at once, Shirley.
But done was done. And there were worse outcomes, for her, than having him believe none of this was a big deal. Though it was. A very big deal. She might have made her decision suddenly but she hadn’t done it lightly. She knew exactly what she’d be sacrificing by being with him. But she hoped her dignity would be partially salvaged by making it clear that them being together was not because of any influence he’d applied, but because it was her choice. What she wanted.
And was it ever.
She’d stood there in the corridor and tried to imagine them going to their separate rooms and maintaining a careful distance all the way back to Australia, the way they had on the way out. And she couldn’t do it. Too much had passed between them.
She’d hung, upside-down, from that old bridge and curled her fingers around his as he pulled her into his strong orbit and she’d known there and then that they would be together one way or another.
Her subconscious just hadn’t updated the rest of her until the last moment.
And maybe it had been wise not to if it had had a clue of the ferocious charge that would surge between them once she opened the proverbial floodgates. The moment her decision had been made and his lips had touched hers … she’d been lost.
Lost enough to still feel it now.
Lost enough to want more the moment he got back.
But sane enough not to let it show.
Ever.
Four days back seemed to take half the time of the journey east. Maybe it had something to do with the ocean currents or trade winds, or the way time altered when she was with Hayden. And how it lagged when they were apart. Which wasn’t often. They slept together, they ate together, they walked together, they worked together.
A whole lot of together considering they were two very un-together type people. But having no right to claim on someone was strangely liberating. Either of them could walk out of the door at any moment and the other would have no fair cause for complaint.
But something kept them tethered to each other like they had been up at Kawarau gorge.
Maybe it was knowing that as soon as the boat docked in Sydney—this moment, now—their relationship would be over. Their thing. No legitimate reason to be with each other any longer. Until next time. A few more precious, extraordinary days.
Shirley turned and peered up the vast hull of the docked Paxos. She waved back at Captain Konstantinos on the bridge. Funny how rapidly friendships formed when you took meals together.
Going back to eating alone was going to be tough.
She turned back to Hayden, standing on the dock. Funny how rapidly friendships formed when you took pleasure together, too. The past four days had been the shortest and longest of her life. He’d liberated parts of her she’d never met before and let her get closer than she could ever have imagined getting to him. Not all the way in, but part way.
For him, she sensed, that was a lot.
‘So …’ He swung around to face her once they were clear of the busy port activity.
She smiled up at him brightly, determined not to let anything show. ‘So …’
‘I guess that’s it then?’
Did he have to sound so relieved? ‘Guess so.’
‘Until next time?’
Right. The list wasn’t done yet. That meant neither were they. ‘The next one’s yours,’ she breathed. And that meant the ball was in his court. If he didn’t want to see her again then he only had to drag out organising the next list item.
She wasn’t going to beg.
He looked away, watched a dispute between forklifts nearby. Then he brought his eyes back to her. ‘I really enjoyed New Zealand. The journey. Our time together.’
Lord … Were all casual things this awkward to walk away from? ‘Yeah, it was fun.’
And intense and challenging and scary and deeply moving all at the same time. But ‘fun’ just seemed safer to go with under the circumstances.
‘Thank you,’ he finally said. The first honest thing to come from his mouth.
‘What for?’ Throwing herself at him or not making a scene about their parting?
‘For letting me come on this journey with you.’
‘I know you probably would have been more comfortable on one of those.’ She nodded at yet another cruise liner berthed across the harbour. And suddenly she was imagining being with him in an opulent suite with a spa bath and a king-sized bed and a really plush, really comfortable carpet.
‘Maybe, but it wouldn’t have been nearly as memorable. Actually, I was thanking you for letting me in on this whole journey to fulfil the list. It’s been—’ he struggled for the right word ‘—good for me. To have direction. Purpose.’
That was such a profound thing to say twenty seconds before they parted ways.
Unless …
It wasn’t too profound for a goodbye statement. It would be just like Hayden to seek closure with some grand gesture. Maybe he wouldn’t follow up with the next list item after all.
She stretched up and kissed him on the cheek. Ridiculously chaste. Determined to save him the trouble of ending things. ‘Goodbye, Hayden. I’ll see you—’ Soon? Later? In my dreams? She didn’t have control over any of them, so she just settled for, ‘I’ll see you.’
‘I’ll be in touch.’
Which was just one step removed from ‘I’ll call you.’
She had no experience with the whole friends-with-benefits thing. What was the protocol here? Cool, aloof and take it as it comes? Or warm, open and on like Donkey Kong the next time I see you? She was almost certain it wasn’t throw your arms around him and beg him to stay.
That burning urge couldn’t be good for anyone. And, as she’d once bragged, her strongest trait was supposed to be her self-discipline.
She turned for the long-stay parking and reached for her bag. He bent for it at the same time and their fingers tangled on the handle. He straightened, his eyes locked on hers. He relinquished the bag.
‘I’ll be in touch,’ he repeated. Somehow his intense eye contact was like an elaborate signature at the bottom of a legal document. So she knew he meant it.
She smiled. Turned. Left.
Walking away was even harder than stepping off the platform up in the gorge. At least then she’d had the press of his hot, urgent lips to distract her.
Now she had nothing.
