still have a deal, but not based on how he feels about me as a human being. More about my corporate track record.”
“Why did you do that?”
“Because I had to clean this up. I used you. I didn’t want to gain anything from that.”
Clara tried to smile. “I appreciate that, Zack, but …”
“I’m not finished.”
She blinked and tried not to cry. She wasn’t ready for this. Wasn’t ready for him to try to repair their friendship, not when she needed more.
“You were right. About me,” he continued. “I have been trying to control everything in my life, including you. Because I felt like there was safety in control. I felt like it was responsible, and I never wanted to deal with the consequences of a lack of control again.”
He took a step toward her, put his hand on her cheek, and her heart stopped. “Clara, from the moment I met you I felt a connection with you. And I had to make a very quick decision about where to put you in my life. It was conscious. It was controlled. So I decided you would be my friend, my employee, but never anything more. Because I think part of me knew that if I let you, you could mean everything to me. If I didn’t keep you in your place you would fill my life, every part of me. That I would love you. But then in Chiang Mai, being near you like that, I couldn’t deny it anymore. I couldn’t pretend I didn’t want you. And we gave in. I lost control. So then, I thought maybe if I put you in that same place in my head I put my lovers, I could have you in my bed, without risking anything more. Without things getting deeper.”
Clara’s entire body trembled as she looked up at Zack, as she watched his face, so tired and sad. Mirroring her own, she knew.
“But they got deeper,” he said, his voice rough. “And I couldn’t stop it. Then I tried to reset things, and that didn’t work, either. Not just because you told me where to stick it, which I absolutely deserved, but because things changed too much. Because knowing what it is to be skin to skin with you, has changed me. And it terrified me to admit that, even to myself.”
“Zack …”
“You have every right to be angry at me. To hate me.”
“I don’t hate you.”
“That’s good, because it makes this next part easier. Because as terrified as I was the first time we kissed, I’m even more afraid now.” He took a deep breath, his nerves visible, his control absent. “You’re right, Clara Davis, you do make me tremble. You have been my friend, my partner, my lover. I want you to be all of those things to me for the rest of my life. I’ll understand if you don’t want the same from me. But no matter what, you have to know that I love you.”
Clara felt dizzy, her fingertips numb. “You … you love me?”
“With everything. After we made love at my house, the last time, I felt like I could breathe again for the first time in fourteen years. For the first time since I lost Jake, I felt something real, something bigger than myself. Do you have any idea how much that scared me? But I realized something, the other day as I was reaching for a bottle of alcohol, to drink away the pain for the first time in fourteen years. That love can make you strong. I’ve always thought of it going hand in hand with loss, with weakness. But being with you … it makes me better. That’s just one reason I love you so much. One of the reasons I had to tell you. Because all of my control, all of my pride, was just to cover up how scared I was. How weak I was. You’ve made me stronger. You’ve made me stop hiding.”
A sob worked its way up her throat. “Zack, I thought I knew you. For seven years I thought I knew you. I thought you were this suave, together guy who had an unshakable calm that I really, really envied. And then I found out how broken you were, how messed up. I loved you before. I loved that guy I thought I knew. His jokes, his company, everything.”
She pressed on, her voice cracking. “But do you want to know something? I love this man more.” She stepped forward and put her palm flat on his chest, her hand unsteady. “Because this is you, and this is real. And I know you’ve been hurt. I know you’ve hurt in ways I can’t imagine. And I know you aren’t perfect. But you’re perfect for me.”
And then he was kissing her, his lips hot and hungry on hers. Her chest expanded, love, hope, filling every fiber of her body. When they parted, they were both breathing hard.
“Do you really love me?” he asked, wiping away tears she hadn’t realized were on her cheeks.
“From the moment I met you.”
“What a fool I was.”
“I wouldn’t trade the time, Zack. I wouldn’t give back those years of friendship, not for anything. They made us who we are. They made us right for each other.”
“I don’t know if you can ever know how much your friendship has meant to me, how much your love means to me now. You’re the only person I’ve shared myself with in so long, the only person I’ve wanted to share with. Without you … there would have been nothing in my life but work. You brought color, flavor.”
“Cupcakes.”
“That, too. And as you can see, I need someone to provide them for me because I’m useless at doing it myself. You make my life worth living, Clara. You make me better.”
“I can say the same for you. I never felt beautiful, never felt special, until you.”
“You’re all those things. Never doubt it.”
“I never will again.”
“I have something for you,” he said.
She smiled through a sheen of tears. “I love presents.”
“I know.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a box. This one wasn’t black and velvet. It was pink silk with orange blossoms. “Because you like flowers. And pink.” This was for her. Only for Clara.
“I do,” she said, opening the lid with shaking fingers. The ring inside was an antique style, a round diamond in the center and smaller diamonds encircling the band.
“It reminded me of you,” he said. “Mostly just because it’s beautiful. And so are you.”
She laughed through new tears and held her hand out. “That’s so lame, Zack.”
“I know. It is. It’s really lame. I make bad jokes sometimes, but you know that. You know everything there is to know about me, and if you can do that and love me anyway, I consider myself the luckiest man on earth.”
“I do,” she whispered. “Put it on me.”
He took the ring out of the box and got on his knee in front of her. “Will you marry me? Clara Davis, will you be my wife, in every way. Will you understand that you are first for me, in every way. Will you love me, and let me love you?”
She wiped a tear away that was sliding down her cheek. “I will.”
“And will you bake me cupcakes for as long as we both shall live?”
A watery laugh escaped her lips. “Without
