“The baby will like having a cousin of the same age,” Faith said, returning his smile.
The moment stretched as they sat there in the running car in the silent neighborhood, staring at one another and considering the future.
Ryan finally cleared his throat and resumed driving.
“You never told me if you knew the sex of the baby,” he said.
She shook her head. “Not yet. I hadn’t decided yet if I wanted to know or be surprised. Do you?” He glanced at her quickly. “Want to know?”
She watched as his expression went blank. He looked almost grim as he stared out the front window.
“I don’t know,” he said hoarsely after a moment. “One second, I think this whole thing has settled in, and the next I feel…”
“Overwhelmed?” she wondered.
He nodded once.
“I understand. It takes a while to fully absorb it,” she said quietly. She studied his profile as he drove, wondering over the fact that she was sitting in the car with Ryan Itani—her former husband’s good friend, the father of the child that grew in her womb…one of the most magnetically attractive and masculine men she’d ever encountered.
Maybe she was still overwhelmed, as well.
He pulled into her driveway a few minutes later. Faith studied her hands in her lap as he put the car in Park. She needed to banish this pervasive nervousness. She needed to get used to dealing with Ryan, with being around him.
“Would you like to come in and have a cup of coffee?”
“Yes.” The bluntness of his reply made her head come up. In the dim dashboard lights, she could see him studying her. “But I’m going to say no, nevertheless,” he added.
“Why?”
He abruptly turned in the seat as far as he could, given his big body and the confining space of the car. He took both of her hands in his. Spikes of pleasure prickled up her arms when he caressed her wrists with slightly calloused thumbs.
“I still want you, Faith. I think it’s only fair to tell you that.”
She started, shocked by his bold statement. She stared out the window to her neat, attractive ranch house, trying to gather her thoughts. It was hard with him stroking her skin and what he’d just said echoing around in her brain. She reached wildly for the threads of logic spinning around with a vortex of doubts and desire.
“You’re just saying that because you’re confused about the baby,” she said.
“You said I was saying it last time because I was confused about Jesse’s sudden death. When are you going to believe that I’ve always found you attractive, Faith?”
She looked at him in alarm.
“I never would have done anything while Jesse was alive. That’s not my style. I know it’s not yours, either,” he said in a low, compelling voice. “The truth is, I didn’t allow myself to think about it very much. You were another man’s wife. Off-limits. I wouldn’t even call my feelings toward you attraction. They were respect. Admiration. I liked you a lot.”
She stared at him, her throat and chest feeling full—achy. She couldn’t look away from his stark, handsome face.
“My feelings for you would have stayed in that holding pattern if circumstances hadn’t changed. But they did change. You discovered Jesse wasn’t faithful to you.”
“I was filing for a divorce at the time he was killed,” she said, shocking herself.
Ryan’s expression tensed. His caressing fingers paused. “You were?”
She nodded. A tear spilled down her cheek. She was angry at Jesse for his infidelity. Furious. So why did guilt still rear its ugly head inside her when she thought of the fact that she’d been planning on leaving him when his life was cut unexpectedly short?
“I told him that I planned to divorce him when he admitted to his affairs with both Melanie and that other officer that worked at the airport. He was so upset about the divorce. He never told you?” she asked shakily, searching his face.
“He never said a word about you two breaking up,” Ryan said. His flat expression told the absolute truth. Jesse had kept the impending end of their marriage to himself. Maybe he’d hoped she’d change her mind. He might have died with that secret. The realization caused a pain of regret to go through her. She shuddered. Damn these hormones. Since her pregnancy, she cried at the drop of a dime. Sud-denly Ryan’s arms were around her. She clutched on to his shoulders and wept.
“It’s just…you knew Jesse. He was like a kid at times. I know he wasn’t capable of being faithful. I know I wasn’t meant to be his wife. But I cared about him.”
“I understand,” Ryan soothed, stroking her back. “Maybe he wasn’t capable of being faithful to you, but I do know that Jesse cared about you, too.”
“I hate to think of him dying, knowing that I was leaving him,” Faith managed between bitter tears.
“I’m sure he was feeling regretful about having hurt you.”
That made her sob harder.
“I’m sorry,” he said, stroking her arms and back. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
“No. No, it’s true. I suppose some people would feel vindicated that he felt guilty on the day he died, but I think it’s just…”
“Terrible,” Ryan finished for her. “I understand.”
“Do you?” she asked wetly, leaning back slightly in order to see his face. His features looked like they’d been carved from rock in the dim lights emanating from the dashboard.
“Yeah. I think we both know that while Jesse might not have been ideal husband material, he was a good guy in a lot of other areas of life. It’s got to be hard for you, thinking of him dying knowing that he’d done you wrong.”
“Exactly,” she whispered shakily.
“It’s still not your fault, Faith. You didn’t do anything wrong. You had every right to file for divorce once you learned he’d cheated on you, not once, but several times. It’s just that life took a rotten turn in the interim, and Jesse was killed. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.”
“I know,” she said weakly. She touched the side of his neck along his hairline. His hair was a pleasure to her fin-gertips—crisp and soft at once. “I’m always telling myself I didn’t do anything wrong. I just wish I hadn’t told him about the divorce when he was about to…”
Ryan shook his head, his face now rigid with compassion. “You’re not all-seeing.” He cradled her jaw gently. She went still, utterly aware of the intimate contact. “Death is the same way. You can’t beat yourself up for things you don’t have any control over. All we can do is take what we’ve been given and make the best of it.”
His
