but Lance had to find a way to make the feelings of agony inside his stomach go away and for him to stop talking of Erin and their past with such bitterness. One more thing he didn’t know how to accomplish, but the counselor had suggested that talking to Erin might give him a path to figuring it out.
He wasn’t sure how much he was going to tell her yet, though. His business partner, Chad Maxwell, was threatening to force him out if he didn’t get a counselor to sign off on his mental health. According to Chad, Lance’s grief was keeping him from adequately performing his duties in helping him run the outdoor gear company they’d built together from the ground up.
Erin hated the company, and hated Chad even more. She had no idea what either of them meant to Lance, which had been a huge source of conflict in their marriage. So to tell her that he needed this to keep Chad from forcing him out would probably only give her more reason to show him the door.
She gave a casual shrug as if none of it mattered. “I’m at peace with you. I’ve got nothing against you, and I wish you nothing but the best in life. I’m sorry that you’re having a hard time moving forward, but I don’t know what that has to do with me.”
Before he could answer, a little boy came running into the room. “Auntie Erin! I finished painting my snowman!”
As it dawned on him who the boy was, all the air rushed out of Lance’s lungs. Ryan. The little boy was just a few months younger than their daughter had been. He was four now, and Lily...eternally two. Ryan had once been a fixture in their home, and even though the kids had been young, they’d been close. Lance had once loved the little boy like his own. This pain was deeper than what he’d felt at seeing Dylan.
“Who is that?” Ryan asked.
It did not seem right that Ryan didn’t remember him.
“This is Lance and he’s...” Erin didn’t finish her sentence, like she didn’t how to explain their relationship to the little boy.
Dylan joined them. “That’s Uncle Lance.”
Ryan looked confused. “How do we have an uncle Lance? Aunt Nicole is married to Uncle Nando, so did you get married, too?”
Erin let out a long sigh. “He’s not my husband anymore.”
Obviously they didn’t spend much time rehashing family history. Did Erin think of him at all? Of their daughter? She’d moved on and built this happy little life without them.
“Why not?” Ryan’s innocent question made Lance feel sick.
She looked uncomfortable and for that he was glad. At least she showed signs of the divorce having some impact on her.
Lance was supposed to be there to find peace, to get closure on this part of his life so he could move on with his future. Erin seemed to have done that, but instead of making him feel better, it only made him feel worse.
Lance had picked a fine time to decide to make peace with her about the past. If he wanted it so badly, why hadn’t he just gone ahead and put their house on the market, like she’d asked him to a couple of weeks ago? This was not a discussion she wanted to have in front of the boys, and as Ryan still looked at her expectantly about why she wasn’t married anymore, Erin had no idea what to say.
Finally she squatted beside Ryan and put her arm around him. “It’s one of those complicated grown-up things,” she said. “We used to be married and now we’re not.”
Ryan tilted his head. “Why not? When Mom and Dad got married, Dad promised he would love us forever and ever and ever, and he would never leave us. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do when you get married? How can you not be married anymore?”
Erin sighed. This wasn’t an easy topic for a four-year-old to understand. Especially since Leah, his mom, and Shane, his new dad, had just gotten married. It was easy to believe in forever on the day you spoke those vows. But tragedy had a way of changing things. How to explain those complications to a boy who’d been part of a wedding where he was finally getting an amazing dad?
“In most cases, yes. But sometimes bad things happen and the best thing is for both of you to go your separate ways.”
Ryan gave her a funny look. “That’s not what Mom says. Mom says you have to work together to figure it out. Even if it’s hard, Mom says it’s worth it in the end to work through your problems. Just like I did with Dylan when he broke my fire truck.”
She was rusty at this parenting thing. Being an aunt was so much easier.
Even though they’d all been living in this house together after moving here a year and a half ago, and before that, crammed into Nicole’s tiny apartment when Erin had left Lance two years ago, they had been an extended family for as long as Ryan had been alive. Erin tried just to be the boys’ aunt and not their mom. This whole conversation felt like a mom discussion, but Leah was on her honeymoon.
So she took a deep breath and prayed that she was using the right words, especially since she could feel Lance’s eyes boring into her, demanding that she answer not just for Ryan, but for him. He hadn’t wanted the divorce, and it was clear, from his presence, he still didn’t understand. But how were you supposed to keep explaining that you couldn’t handle being blamed for your daughter’s death? Or that he’d been too emotionally unavailable to work through their shared grief together? And why would he want to remain married to her, believing that about her?
Erin hugged Ryan close to her. “You’re right. People should try to work out their problems. Lance and I tried very hard to do so, but unfortunately it didn’t work.”
She didn’t look at Lance as she spoke the words, knowing it would probably just set him off. He didn’t want to hear about her pain, but he’d needed someone to blame and be angry at. That’s what their counselor had said.
Lance didn’t seem angry now, though. Just...lost.
Erin wasn’t sure she was the right person to help him find his way again.
Thinking about that time gave her an idea as to how to explain it to Ryan, though. “You remember how you guys went to a counselor when we first came here? Then again, once your mom and Shane decided to get married? Sometimes counselors help you fix things, but sometimes they show you things are too broken to be fixed.”
Lance made a strangled noise and Erin looked up to see the sadness in his eyes. He’d stormed out of so many of their counseling sessions. Did he understand just how much of that contributed to the breakdown of their marriage?
It didn’t matter. They were divorced now and whatever peace Lance was looking for, she hoped he found it. Even if she wasn’t part of that solution.
However her words seemed to resonate with Ryan, who nodded. “I didn’t know they did that. Does this mean he can’t play with me?”
She looked over at Lance, who seemed extremely uncomfortable. After Lily’s death, he couldn’t stand being around Ryan, who had spent so much time with them. When things were really bad with Jason, Leah’s late husband, Leah would often leave the boys with Erin. In some ways, Ryan and Lily had been like brother and sister.
“I’m not sure if he knows how to play your games,”
