How To Write Erotica: A Mills and Boon Guide. Mills & Boon

      SO YOU WANT TO WRITE EROTICA?

      The tall, dark, handsome publisher sat down on the corner of his polished desk in his big office and smiled at the shy girl who had just been shown in, bearing a big manuscript of an as-yet-unpublished but (she hoped!) publishable book, which this good-looking publisher might want to publish if he liked it and thought it would make a lot of money for them both.

      ‘So you want to write erotica?’ he asked in his deep, masculine voice.

      ‘Yes, I do,’ she managed to squeak through her tightly constricted throat.

      ‘What are you like?’ he asked, curiously.

      ‘I know, I’m awful, aren’t I?’ The would-be author blushed. ‘If my mother knew what I had been doing all these weeks up in my room where I live with my parents after spending three years at college studying English Language and Literature, she would swoon terribly!’

      ‘I meant,’ the publisher said, twinkling his green-amber eyes with a devilish grin from his strong, square jaw, ‘why does a sweet, innocent little thing like you want to write erotica in particular?’

      ‘There is a lot of it about now, isn’t there?’ the girl replied earnestly. ‘And I was always very interested in writing at college so I thought I would try my hand at this.’

      ‘This pretty little hand here?’ demanded the publisher wickedly, taking her delicate right hand and stroking it between his big manly ones. Her womb went all funny and she got a hot feeling in between her legs where they met at the top, or nearly met because her lady parts were in the way of course.

      ‘I used this one too,’ she whispered huskily, holding up the other hand. ‘I typed.’

      He took her other hand and rubbed it up and down his thigh like a cricket ball.

      ‘Would you care to have dinner with me tonight?’ he invited her politely. ‘I would like to get to know you better—’ he checked the name written on her manuscript ‘—Chablise?’

      ‘I would love to—’ her eyes searched desperately around on his desk for a name plate or something so she could call him by his first name, but there wasn’t one, but then after what seemed an eternity she finally glimpsed a letter addressed to him from a firm offering water cooler refills at discount prices, which happily had his first name on it, which she was able to read upside down ‘—Burke.’

      So they went out to dinner and later on he published her book, which was a great success, and they slept together.

      That’s not how you write erotica.

      The language is bland, the exposition clunking, the characters are two-dimensional and unoriginal, there is no plot development or conflict, the author knows nothing about the environment in which she has set her scene, the descriptions

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