You know what money! You received through Mr. Newnin twen—— (To Newnin.) But it’s your fault, Andrew. I didn’t ask you to hire such a man.
Newnin: Now, there — let it be! Is it worth while?
Revunov-Karayúlov: Hired — paid — what’s this?
Aplombov: But excuse me. You received the twenty-five roubles from Mr. Newnin?
Revunov-Karayúlov: What twenty-five roubles? (Ponders.) Ah! I see! Now I understand everything. How disgustin! How disgusting!
Aplombov: Then you did receive the money?
Revunov-Karayúlov: I received no money at all! Off with you! (Leaves the table.) How disgusting! How low! To affront an old man, a sailor, an officer of merit! If this were decent society, I’d challenge you to a duel, but now what can I do? (Muddled.) Where’s the door? Which is the way out? Waiter! Show me out! Waiter! How low! How disgusting! (Exit.)
Nastasia: Andrew, where are those twenty-five roubles?
Newnin: Come, is it worth while to speak of such trifles? Everybody else is gay, but you, Heaven knows why — (Shouts.) To the health of the young people! Musicians, play a march! Musicians! (Band begins to play a march.) To the health of the young people!
Zmewkin: I feel stifled! Give me atmosphere! Beside you I feel stifled!
Yat (in an ecstasy): Wonderful woman! Wonderful woman! (The noise gets louder.)
Master of Ceremonies (stands and shouts): Dear ladies and gentlemen! On this day, to-day, so to speak——
(Curtain)
THE JUBILEE [trans. by C. E. Bechhofer Roberts ]
Characters
| Shipuchin Hirin | Tatiana Mrs. Merchutkin |
Managers
The Jubilee
(Scene: The managing director’s study at a bank; furnished with affected sumptuousness. Velvet-covered furniture, flowers, statues, rugs, telephone. Midday. Hirin, the bookkeeper, is alone.)
Hirin (shouts at the door): Go to the chemist’s and get three ha’penny worth of nerve tonic, and tell them to bring some fresh water to the director’s study. I’ve got to tell you a hundred times! (Goes to table.) I’m tired out. I’ve been writing for four days without closing my eyes; from morning to evening I’m writing here, and from evening to morning, at home. (Coughs.) My whole body’s inflamed. Shivering, fever, coughing; I’ve got rheumatism in my legs, things keep coming in front of my eyes. (Sits down.) Our old joker, this brute, this managing director, is going to read the report to-day at the general meeting: “Our bank at the present moment and in time to come” — you’d think he was Gambetta. (Writes.) Two, one, one, six, nought, seven, add six, nought, one, six — He wants to throw dust in their eyes; so I’ve got to sit here and work for him like a nigger. He just puts the poetry into the report; but I must tap away on the counting machine all day long, hell take him. (Taps the machine.) I can’t stand it. (Writes.) One to carry, three, seven, two, one, nought. He promised to pay me for my trouble. If everything goes off well to-day and he takes in the public, he’s promised me a gold pendant and three hundred roubles. We’ll see. (Writes.) Well, and if all my trouble goes for nothing, well, my friend, I’m sorry — I’m a passionate man! Yes, my friend, in a fit of temper I can even commit a crime. Yes! (Off, noise and applause. Shipuchin’s voice, “Thank you! Thank you! I am moved!” Enter Shipuchin, middle-aged, in a frock-coat and white tie, with a monocle. He carries an album which has just been presented to him. All the while he is on the stage, employees bring him papers to sign.)
Shipuchin (standing at the door): This gift of yours, dear colleagues, I shall preserve to my death, as a remembrance of the happiest days of my life! Yes, my dear, dear sirs! Once again I thank you. (Throws them a kiss, and goes up to Hirin.) My dear fellow, my esteemed Hirin!
Hirin (rising): I have the honour to congratulate you, Mr. Shipuchin, on your fifteenth year at the head of the bank and I hope that ——
Shipuchin (squeezing his hand): Thank you, my dear fellow. Thank you! This notable day, this jubilee — Very, very glad! Thank you for your services, for everything; for everything I thank you. If, while I have had the honour to be managing director of this bank, if anything useful has been done, then I am indebted for it before all else to my colleagues. (Sighs.) Yes, my dear fellow, fifteen years! Fifteen years, or I’m not Shipuchin! (Briskly.) Well, what about my report? Is it coming along?
Hirin: Yes. There are about five pages left.
Shipuchin: Excellent. That means, it will be ready at three?
Hirin: If nobody disturbs me, it’ll be finished. There’s just rubbish left.
Shipuchin: Magnificent. Magnificent, or I’m not Shipuchin! The general meeting will be at four. Please, dear old chap; give me the first half, and I’ll study it. Give it me quick. (Takes the report.) I base gigantic hopes on this report. It’s my “profession de foi,” or, to put it better, my firework — my firework, or I’m not Shipuchin! (Sits down and reads the report to himself.) But I’m devilish tired. Last night I had an attack of gout, all the morning I’ve been busy with little affairs and running about, then these commotions and ovations and agitations — I’m tired.
Hirin: Two, nought, nought, three, nine, two, nought — It’s all green before my eyes with figures. Three, one, six, four, one, five. (Taps the machine.)
Shipuchin: And another bother — This morning your wife called on me and complained about you again. She said, last night you ran after her and your sister-in-law with a knife. What does that look like, Hirin? Come, come!
Hirin (roughly): I take the liberty, Mr. Shipuchin, on the occasion of the jubilee, to make a request to you. I beg you, if only out of consideration for my working like a nigger, not to interfere with my family life. Please don’t!
Shipuchin (sighs): You’ve got an impossible character, Hirin. You’re an excellent fellow and respectable, but when it comes to women you behave like Jack the Ripper. Really, I can’t understand why you dislike them so!
Hirin: And I can’t understand why you like them so. (Pause.)
Shipuchin: The employees have just presented me with an album and the managers, so I hear, want to present me with an address and a silver bowl. (Plays with his monocle.) Good, or I’m not Shipuchin! That’s not without its use. For the reputation of the bank, some pomp is necessary, damn it all. You’re a good fellow; after all, you know all about it. I wrote the address myself and bought the silver bowl as well. The binding for the address cost a lot, but it wouldn’t do without it. By themselves they wouldn’t have been good for anything. (Looks round.) What an establishment!
