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The Borough Press
An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd
1 London Bridge Street
London SE1 9GF
First published in Great Britain by HarperCollinsPublishers 2019
Copyright © Juilet Lapidos 2019
‘My Child Is Phlegmatic . . .’ Anxious Parent: Copyright © 1931 by Ogden Nash
Reprinted by permission of Curtis Brown, Ltd. All rights reserved.
Cover design by Holly Macdonald © HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2019
Cover photographs © Shutterstock.com
Juilet Lapidos asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.
A catalogue copy of this book is available from the British Library.
This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.
Source ISBN: 9780008281205
Ebook Edition © FEBURARY 2019 ISBN: 9780008281229
Version: 2018-11-26
For Barry, the guardian of my solitude
We see each other in glances.
—FREDERICK LANGLEY
Contents
Copyright
Dedication
Epigraph
Happy Holidays
Other People’s Perspiration
The Notebook
Freddy Remembered
A Cliché
The Notebook
Life-Hacking
A Level of Incompetence
The Notebook
Writer’s Block
Fieldwork
The Notebook
Cemetery Picnic
Dreamwork
The Notebook
If a Scholar’s a Parasite
He Owed Her
The Notebook
Like a Mute Animal on an Operating Table
The Notebook
Ura Joke
The Yellow Legal Pad
His True Intentions
007: Golden Sorrow
Julia Maria Lustgarten
A Soft Target
Idiocy and Confusion
Pure Pointlessness
A Letter of Explanation
Of Course
Anna Remembered
Footnotes
Acknowledgments
About the Author
We met at the supermarket. I was waiting in line to buy the usual nutrient-free snacks — crackers, cookies, Pop-Tarts. She pulled up behind me with a cart full of staples — milk, eggs, canned tomatoes. As we neared the register, she unbuttoned her bright orange trench coat and searched its inside pocket. Whatever she expected to find there was missing. She frisked herself, patting her hips and torso with great urgency until, extreme measures deemed necessary, she removed her coat and shook it upside down. Nothing came out.
“Just my luck,” she muttered.
“Everything all right?” I felt obligated to ask.
Smiling apologetically, the woman said
