time or the last or every time?’ People often thank effusively when the first door is opened for them but become increasingly morose and sullen, giving the impression to the person trying to be polite that they are nothing but a nuisance.
Thank the first time the door is held open.
Thereafter, smile sweetly.
Don’t giggle or get fed up. Would you rather have the door slammed in your face?
At the urinal
This one is for men only. In women’s toilets, we hear, it’s chatty and unhierarchical. Although in a comprehensive school where I once taught, the deputy head was often criticised for peeing too briskly. But in the office gents, as in all public men’s toilets, silence reigns. From time to time there is a drive to institute the ‘working piss’ but it always comes to nothing. If all those lined up at the urinal are of equal status, it’s straightforward – don’t talk. Trauma only sets in when senior management are suddenly present. ‘What’s worse,’ somebody said, ‘seeing your boss’s willy or your father’s?’ Of course some pushy types, far from being disturbed, might see a chance to push.
Don’t start promoting yourself at the urinal.
If, on entering, you find the boss in the toilets, get adept, like Matt, at reversing straight out again.
Or you can go in the cubicles, but leave the door ajar to avoid suspicion.
In the lift
Lifts usually impose a complete suspension of normal life. Going up and going down, people become non-people, even mothers and children no longer know each other; everybody stares at the walls. Lifts in offices are different. Here there might be opportunities to hobnob with top people (didn’t Melanie Griffith get her big break in Working Girl when she encountered Harrison Ford in the lift?). Matt once heard ‘some whippersnapper trying to discuss the quarterly results with the MD in an embarrassingly familiar way’ and on another occasion ‘two women from accounts, which is my department, talking at the tops of their voices about the postboy’s sex life or what they imagined it to be’.
Don’t corner senior management in the lift to try and make an impression. It’s not fair on them. There’ll be other chances.
Senior management, when in the lift, should always make a point of condescending to speak.
Don’t forget that the other people in the lift can hear what you’re saying.
Don’t talk shop in the lift. It’s boring for everybody else.
In the canteen
An extraordinary lunch-time embarrassment – perhaps unique – occurred not in the canteen but in the gardens of Soho Square in London. A young woman was enjoying a picnic with a friend. She was suddenly aware that her boss, Mr Noy, was nearby, apparently trying to pick up a young man. He hadn’t seen her. Ideally, she would have liked to move away. But this wasn’t possible because Mr Noy was so near that he might have overheard even a whispered explanation or seen her should she have got to her feet. Her only hope was to try to remain concealed behind her companion. As she was tiny this was not such a challenge. But she soon found that she was not quite tiny enough and every time her companion moved, she had to move too.
In Matt’s canteen, which they call a restaurant, it’s not quite as bad as this. But he often sees people with their trays in severe uncertainty about who to sit with. ‘Supposing it’s an editorial assistant from one of our magazines like Seals and Sealants. There’s space on my table. Maybe he’s thinking, “I don’t want to sit with him, he’s a boring money man.” Or perhaps it’s, “All the people on that table are more senior; I can’t sit with them.”’
Other piquant dilemmas: do you sit at the already overcrowded table with your friends or join the new person who is sitting on their own? If it were a social occasion, you might make an effort. But this is work, isn’t it? And there’s the getting-away problem, because, unlike at normal meals, you often have to leave someone to finish their lunch on their own.
Don’t sit with the management if there is space elsewhere. It’ll look like crawling.
If the only seat left is at a table occupied by management, they should put themselves out to offer it to you.
As on ordinary social occasions, don’t leave people on their own. Just because you’re at work, it doesn’t mean you’ve turned barbaric.
If you have appointments, calls to make etc. it can’t be helped if you have to leave someone to finish their lunch alone. But you should say, ‘Excuse me. Sorry to leave you on your own.’
Distractions
One of the pleasures of office life is that there can be dropping in, against which there is elsewhere a taboo (see Dropping in, page 83). Someone might drop in from legal for a natter or you might yourself pop over to finance for the same purpose. Dropping in or by creates a distraction which is usually most welcome, even, if the truth be told, to the miserable sods too busy to say hello in the corridor and those eaten up with ambition. But occasionally there is work to do. Zoe, who is at that stage of being enthusiastic about her job in PR, building up contacts in the press and so on, says, ‘If I have to listen to one more gargantuan discussion about Annie’s matching handbag for her wedding or what sort of towels they’re putting on their wedding list…’
Don’t distract people if they are busy.
Interruptions
People interrupt at work for much the same reasons as they do in social life – because they’ve got something far more interesting to say, ideally about themselves. Sad to say, Zoe is something of an interrupter, often forging into the managing director’s office regardless to talk about her concerns or triumphs. ‘Some people seem to think it’s part of being thrusting and successful – just barge into your office and start telling you how wonderful they are,’ says Matt. Or they just want you to think about their problem or help them with some difficulty they’ve got. They never think that you might be preoccupied with something. They cause havoc; the interrupted don’t know whether they’re coming or going. There are a lot of them about.
Always ask if it is convenient to speak, even if the person is kindly operating what is called an ‘open-door policy’.
If someone is clearly busy, go away and come back later, even if their office door is open.
Thanking
She doesn’t exactly say so, but Zoe probably thinks, ‘Why should I have to thank? It’s her job.’ But her managing director has taken rather a lot of trouble with Zoe, helping and encouraging. A little appreciation wouldn’t come amiss. We hear a great deal about the sad state of the self-esteem of the majority of the human race. Besides, nobody likes a thankless job. Matt complains of being caught in the middle. ‘My work’s OK. I think the bosses just forget to say thank you. The younger ones, you help them out because they don’t know the first thing
