is giving everyone the impression that you two are an item by ordering drinks for you, sitting way too close, and pummeling you with these hideous lines whenever your attention wanders.
What to do:
First the hard part—refuse the next drink he buys. It may almost not seem worth it, but if you’re going to break it off with someone who won’t take a hint, you can’t leave any room for uncertainty. Next time he orders you una fría (a cold beer), let him know it’s a bridge to nowhere with a polite “gracias pero no gracias.” If he keeps touching your arm, tell him:
What to say:
VETE A TOMAR POR EL CULO, BABOSO.
“Go and take it up the ass, slime ball.”
Baboso comes from baba (“drool”), and it’s used for men who try to flirt with just about anyone in a disgusting, charmless way.
Why it’s okay to say it:
It’s only fair to let the guy know you’re not interested. And with a few more drinks, you regrettably might be! Cut and run while the night is still young.
In the know:
Closing time in many cities in Spain puts “the city that never sleeps” to shame. It’s true those Spaniards pack in a good afternoon siesta, but then they really live it up way past last call in New York. In Barcelona, it’s common for nightclubs to stay open until 6 in the morning, and if you wait two hours, they’ll open back up again for breakfast cocktails.
SITUATION #4: IS THAT A FERTILIZED EGG IN THERE OR ARE YOU JUST OVERWEIGHT?
Who can resist a hotel known as one of the most luxurious in Southern Spain? You should have known, though, that the staff of Hotel La Boladilla would be used to beautiful people with figures a little more svelte than yours. Still, the hostess who rubbed your belly and said “Felicidades” (“Congratulations”) was way too forward, not to mention the fact that, unless something went horribly wrong the night before, you’re not expecting.
What to do:
Smile politely, order a whisky from the bar, take a giant swig, rub the hostess’ belly and ask her:
What to say:
¿SABE USTED SI ES UN NIÑO O UNA NIÑA?
“Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl?”
Or, if you’re really infuriated and want to abandon the art of subtlety, then say:
ESTÁ TAN GORDA QUE SU ULTIMO PEDO SE MIDIÓ EN LA ESCALA DE RICHTER.
“You are so fat that your last fart was measured on the Richter scale.”
Why it’s okay to say it:
It’s never forgivable to assume someone is with child. Sure, you may be a bit out of shape, and you’ve probably done a little too much snacking and not enough walking on those evening tapas bar strolls (ir de tapeo) but, until you see someone grunting in stirrups, you never assume she’s pregnant. This señora was either hinting that your vestido was getting a little too tight, or simply being presumptuous and insensitive.
In the know:
Latin cultures tend to be a lot more direct about commenting on physical appearance in a not-so-flattering way. It’s not unusual to hear people affectionately refer to an overweight friend as gordo or gordito (fat), a short friend as enano or enana (dwarf), or someone with a prominent nose as narigudo/nariguda or napión (big-nosed).
EXTRA CREDIT
To avoid the common mistake of trying to say that you’re embarrassed and accidentally announcing an immaculate conception, here are some vulgar slang terms for when you do see a little pink dot:
PREÑADA or ESTAR CON BOMBO
“Bombo” is a bass drum, so this is literally telling someone they have a “drum for a belly.”
SITUATION #5: BATTLE OF THE BULGE
Ah, the Costa del Sol—the sun, the olive trees, the ocean breeze, the … unsightly bulges! With free public beaches in Marbella you expected a crowd, and you’d been warned about small-time thieves, but this Speedo fashion crime is more than you can tolerate even on a good day.
What to do:
Put on your sunglasses, shield your eyes, and face your towel the other way. If there’s another clear space, it’s worth your while to move … especially since the last thing you want to do is flatter the intruders in an otherwise flawless landscape. Be careful not to give any attention to the men in their “barely there” swimsuits. Before you duck and run, however, turn to the exhibitionist offenders and say:
What to say:
ERES MÁS FEO QUE ENVIAR A TU ABUELA A POR DROGA.
“You are uglier than sending your granny to buy you some drugs.”
Why it’s okay to say it:
There’s a story behind the name Marbella. On a trip to the coast, Queen Isabelle is said to have remarked on the beautiful scene: “¡Qué mar tan bello!” (“what a beautiful ocean!”). It’s your right to enjoy it as well; if you’d wanted to squint at bizarre and unbalanced proportions, you’d have spent the day at the Picasso museum.
In the know:
A few days into your jaunt along coastal Spain and chances are you’ll welcome the sight of any suit at all, after seeing the number of birthday suits out and about. Most beaches in Spain are clothing optional, and Europeans famously let it all hang out on holiday. If you’re up for an extreme au natural experience, there are naturist beaches and nudist colonies aplenty; just be sure you’re clear about where you can and can’t plant your bare nalgamen
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