for a charity for a while, maybe in war-affected areas, or where there’s been a national disaster. Somewhere I could really feel I was doing something to help.’
‘And have you ever discussed it with your father?’
He pushed his food around on the plate. How many times had he come close to broaching that subject? He’d put it off so many times.
‘I didn’t see the need initially, I thought I’d get my training out of the way first, then have a talk to him about my longer term plans. But then he had a stroke last year and he just hasn’t properly recovered. He went back to work, downsized his hours, but he wants to retire now and make the most of his health.’ He shrugged. ‘I can’t blame him for that. And of course he believes it won’t affect the practice because he has the next Henley waiting in line to step up to the plate and take over.’
‘You?’
‘Exactly. How can I tell him I’m not up for that now when I’ve spent nearly thirty years with that as my life plan? He’s been through so much this past year, and my mother too, supporting him. He’s so proud and happy that I’ll be taking over. I don’t want to upset him and set him back. I’m meant to be taking the helm in the New Year.’
‘And you don’t really feel like cracking out the champagne.’
He shook his head slowly.
‘Being a doctor is what I wanted. Being a village GP is what’s expected of me.’
He stood up from the table, tugged her up next to him. Then he pulled her into his arms and kissed her, burying his hand in her hair. She curled her arms around him, understanding that maybe this was what he wanted from her, needed from her. Distraction. And that was OK, she could do distraction, it had its own appeal for her, especially at Christmas time when everyone moved in family groups and had their own exciting plans. Wasn’t distraction partly what flings were all about?
And then he was stepping away. She stared at him, confused, as he reached for her coat, discarded on the back of a chair.
‘What are you doing?’
‘I thought you were going shopping?’ He helped her into it.
‘I was.’
‘Want company?’
She stared at him as he opened the door for her and then followed him down the passage to the stairs, her heavy boots sinking into the thick pile carpet, confusion rising in her mind. So it wasn’t just about sex then? Unless he found sightseeing an on-par distraction.
***
‘For someone who’s here on a Christmas shopping weekend, you don’t seem massively keen on shopping,’ he remarked, as yet another department store’s sparkly festive window display failed to entice her inside. Women and shopping were in his experience hard to keep apart and yet they’d stopped for coffee twice, not to mention lunch, and still she hadn’t bought a thing.
She didn’t really do London pace either, strolling along Oxford Street and letting hordes of shoppers pour around them.
She smiled.
‘I feel a bit bad, spending all the shopping money when Liz is the one who won the prize,’ she said. ‘I think I’ll post it to her. Not that I’m mad keen on shopping anyway.’ She glanced sideways at a window display, hampers filled with champagne and chocolates and luxury food. ‘Liz had a massive list of people to buy for. Nieces and nephews and cousins coming out of her ears. I don’t really have all of that.’
Her voice was matter of fact.
‘What about your parents?’ he said. ‘Won’t you see them over the holiday?’
She laughed mirthlessly as she came to a brief standstill outside a jewellery shop.
‘That’s nice isn’t it,’ she said, pointing at the silver display in the window. She didn’t meet his gaze, instead looking through the glass at the bangles and bracelets and rings. ‘I don’t see my father at all. Haven’t done for years. And my mother will be on a package holiday somewhere hot. Tenerife maybe.’ She glanced sideways at him and began walking again. ‘We don’t really speak.’ She touched his arm briefly to make him look at her. ‘You’re lucky to have a family who care about what happens to you. But that still doesn’t mean you should let them dictate your whole life for you. No one should deny their own hopes and dreams in favour of someone else’s.’
He looked away, kept walking. She stayed alongside him.
‘I don’t expect you to understand. You’re obviously not from a close-knit family, you’re self-sufficient. You’ve followed your dreams in a way I could never think of doing.’
‘Why not?’
He’d already said more than he meant to, he could hear the hard edge in his own voice.
‘It’s complicated, Ella. It’s not just about me. I can’t just put myself first and then sleep like a baby at night. I have people relying on me. It’s about duty and loyalty.’
‘Surely your first loyalty should always be to yourself.’
How could he explain to her, when her family had clearly let her down so epically, that his entire existence for as long as he could remember had been geared towards fulfilling his family’s expectations?
‘I’d like nothing better than to have a proper family but it still has to be about give and take, doesn’t it?’ she went on. ‘Otherwise it’s just one-sided isn’t it?’
‘There has been give and take,’ he said. ‘For as long as I can remember I wanted to be a doctor; that’s never changed. My parents have always supported me in that, and that ambition has always delighted both of them. My father has always talked about the day when I would join the practice and carry on the family tradition.’
‘And now you have.’
‘Yes.’
‘And it isn’t all it was cracked up to be.’
He dug his hands into his pockets.
‘I guess I just never thought further than qualifying at first – it’s such a slog to reach that point. You invest so much in it. Sacrifice so much. When I met you last time my long-term dream was to work abroad, maybe join Medicins Sans Frontieres, go somewhere where I could do some real good. On the frontline if you like. At that point it seemed an achievable goal. But then, when I qualified, it became clear very quickly that the path my parents expected me to follow was very different. And I’m just not sure I can bring myself to disappoint my father by blowing all his dreams out of the water, not when his health is so shaky. And it’s not like I haven’t gone along happily with those dreams all these years.’
‘There must be some middle ground you can find, some compromise,’ she said.
If only he could see a way to achieve that without risking further stress to his parents.
****
Early evening darkness had fallen now and the day had slipped past easily in her company, even with shops thrown in. Unheard of for him.
