until we’ve tried and failed to work it out, and I don’t want that to happen under any circumstances, but I can’t deal with this now. I’ll do what you say, I’ll keep out of the way, get this exam over and the course finished, and then we’ll talk, but play fair and cut me some slack, Luce, because I’m so tired I’m at breaking point.’
His voice cracked, and she swallowed a sob. She nearly told him to come home, but what he said made sense.
‘OK. We’ll do that. I’ve told the children you’re so busy at the hospital that you’re going to stay there for a few days. We’ll stick with that. I’m away with them next week anyway, so you can work undisturbed. And then after the exam, we’ll talk about this. OK?’
He gave a ragged sigh. ‘OK. I’ll come round tomorrow night and see them for a few minutes.’
Her heart hitched, but she had no choice, and he was right. ‘OK. Want supper?’
‘No. And don’t tell them, just in case I get held up. I don’t want to break any more promises to anyone, so it’s easier if I don’t make them.’
Her eyes filled, and she nodded. ‘All right. Well—get here if you can.’
‘I will. And—oh, nothing. Doesn’t matter. I’ll see you tomorrow.’
The phone went dead, and she stared at it. What had he been going to say?
I love you?
Unlikely. He hadn’t said it for ages. A year, maybe? She couldn’t remember, it was so long ago.
She pressed her hand to her mouth, but the sob wouldn’t stay down, so she buried her face in a cushion to stifle the sound and wept for the man she loved and might have lost …
∗ ∗ ∗
He finished on time on Monday, by a miracle, so he could get home in time to see the children. He needed some things from the study and a few more clothes, as well, and he wanted to see the children so much it made him ache inside. They hadn’t asked for any of this, and he didn’t see why they should suffer.
Lucy’s car was still on the drive, and he pulled up beside it and headed for the front door. As he slid his key into the keyhole he wondered fleetingly if she would have changed the locks.
No. The key turned, the door swung quietly open and Stanley was there to greet him, tail lashing, tongue lolling in delight.
‘Hello, boy,’ he said gruffly, and then Emily was in the hall, looking pleased to see him but a bit wary, and it nearly broke his heart.
‘Mummy said you weren’t coming home this week,’ she said, hanging back a little. ‘She said you were too busy and you were going to stay at the hospital.’
Oh, Em. He ushered her back into the kitchen where Lucy was wiping supper off Lottie’s face and hair and arms.
‘Well, they finally got a locum so I finished early,’ he said truthfully, ‘so I thought I’d come and see you all for a few minutes and pick up some stuff. And I’m really sorry about yesterday.’
‘Are you staying here tonight now, then?’ Megan asked innocently, and he glanced up and met Lucy’s guarded but feisty eyes and smiled grimly.
‘No, darling, I’m sorry, I’ve got to go back to work. So, what did you guys do yesterday?’ he asked, suddenly desperately sorry that he’d missed it. ‘Did you have fun?’
‘Mummy took us swimming, and Florence was there,’ Megan said, ‘and we all went swimming together.’
‘Florence?’ he asked.
‘Ben Walker’s daughter. She’s in Megan’s class,’ Lucy filled in, and he nodded. He knew Ben. He was an obstetrician, and he’d met little Florence when she’d dislocated her elbow a couple of years ago. He’d married his registrar, Daisy, and they’d had a baby since. They were a nice family. Happy. Stable. Unlike them …
‘And Daisy was there, and Thomas, and Daisy’s going to have a new baby soon!’ Emily said. ‘And then we went for pizza, because Florence’s Daddy was at the hospital, too, and Mummy and Daisy are going for coffee tomorrow after we go to school. And it’s not fair, ‘cos they’ll have cake, and I want cake,’ she added mournfully.
He found himself smiling, despite the ache lodged solidly behind his sternum. ‘Sounds like you had a good day,’ he said, but Megan was hugging his legs and tugging at him for attention.
‘Please can you read us a story?’ she asked, her pleading eyes shredding him.
He shook his head, wishing he could but there just wasn’t time, not if he was going to get any work done. ‘No. Sorry. I have to sort some things out and then get back, but I will one night soon.’
Her face fell, tearing another strip off his heart, and she gazed sadly up at him. ‘When, Daddy?’
Always questions. Questions that demanded answers that nearly always seemed to be promises destined to be broken.
‘Soon,’ he said again, knowing it was meaningless but unwilling to make another promise that fate could so easily break, and he hugged her, pressing a kiss to her toffee-coloured curls and letting go. Emily trailed him into the study and stood watching while he searched for a memory stick with some information on it he needed, and in the background he could hear Lottie crying tiredly and Megan crooning to her while Lucy cleared up the kitchen.
‘Why can’t you stay here and work?’ Em asked, squiggling one toe on the floor, her leg swinging from side to side rhythmically as she watched him. ‘You always do.’
‘It’s not that sort of work,’ he lied, and felt a wave of resentment that Lucy was bringing them all to this. His fingers closed around the memory stick and he pulled it out and shut the drawer. ‘Got it. Right, sweetheart, I need to head off. You be good for Mummy, OK?’
‘I’m always good,’ she said reproachfully, and he hugged her, because it was true, she was a good girl and he loved her more than he could ever find the words.
‘It’s not for long,’ he said, mentally crossing his fingers as he bent to kiss her goodnight. ‘I’ll see you again in a day or two.’
‘Ring first,’ Lucy said from the doorway. She was standing there with Lottie, and the baby was leaning out towards him and grizzling, so he took her and hugged her tight, crushing the lump in his throat and gritting his teeth.
‘I’d better go,’ he said, handing Lottie back and ruffling Megan’s hair. ‘I’ll see you soon, guys.’
He let himself out, shutting the door behind him without collecting any of the clothes he’d meant to get, and all the way back to the motel he wrestled with the lump in his throat.
‘Right, where are we going for coffee?’
Coffee?
Lucy stared at Daisy, then shut her eyes. ‘Sorry, I’d forgotten. It’s been a bit …’
She bit her lip and looked away, and Daisy tutted and started to walk. ‘Come on, we’ll go back
