life! Why didn’t you tell me?’
Her stomach knotted into a ball at the look in his eyes. ‘I couldn’t. Nick was married, he had a family, and I didn’t think making them all sad would make us any happier, and it wouldn’t have helped us. We had each other, Jem. We were all right—’
‘No, we weren’t! I didn’t have a dad. I wanted a dad—I’ve always wanted a dad. But I thought he was dead, and all the time he was alive and you didn’t tell me! If I hadn’t had the accident, if I hadn’t needed his blood, would you have told me? Ever?’
She swallowed down the tears. ‘Of course I would. I always knew I’d have to tell you one day when the time was right, I just didn’t know when that would be. We’ve been trying to work out how to do it without hurting you.’
He stared reproachfully at her, then at Nick again, and asked him a question she’d asked herself over and over. ‘Why don’t you want to be my dad?’
Nick flinched as if he’d been kicked in the gut. ‘I do.’
‘You don’t,’ Jem said firmly. ‘When we were on the beach flying the kite, ages ago, after Christmas last year, that American lady said I was like my father, and I laughed, and you said you couldn’t do this and stormed off. I didn’t understand, but that was it, wasn’t it? She realised you were my dad, and you didn’t want me to know, so you walked away, because you don’t want to be my father.’
‘I do.’
‘No, you don’t!’ he said, his voice rising, a catch in it. ‘If you did want to, you would have stayed, you would have told me then. But you didn’t want me.’
‘I did want you, Jeremiah,’ Nick said hoarsely. ‘I do want you—more than you can ever imagine. But I didn’t think you’d want me. The man you’ve always thought was your father was a hero, a brave man. How could I be as good as that?’
He stopped abruptly, turning to the window and propping his hand on the frame, staring out into the courtyard. Kate could see the muscles working in his jaw, see the tears tracking down his cheek, and she reached out a hand and laid it against his side in comfort. He closed his eyes and swallowed, and she dropped her hand and turned back to her son.
‘Don’t blame him, Jem,’ she said softly. ‘It was me who lied to you, me who let you believe my husband was your father. And Nick didn’t know. I didn’t tell him for ages, because of Auntie Annabel. It wouldn’t have been fair to her. He’s only known for two years.’
‘So why didn’t you tell him before? After Auntie Annabel died, why didn’t you tell him then? You could have told him then,’ he said, his voice accusing.
‘I didn’t know how,’ she said softly. ‘He was very sad and angry when she died, and he was very busy at work sorting out the practice. It wouldn’t have been a good time. There was never a good time. I thought there would be, I kept waiting, but then—when he did know—’
‘I tried,’ Nick said, turning back from the window again, his face taut. ‘It may not seem like it, but I did try. But James was a hard act to follow. I thought maybe you’d be happier with things as they were, with me just as Uncle Nick, just as I’ve always been. And I tried to spend more time with you, quality time, to get to know you and let you get to know me, and I thought we might be getting somewhere, but then that woman commented on us looking alike, and I panicked. I wasn’t sure the time was right, and I was so worried I’d make it worse. And just when I thought we ought to try again, your mother met Rob, and they seemed to be getting on so well. He’s a good man, and I thought he’d make you a good father, a much better father than I would. You all seemed to be so happy together, and I didn’t feel I had the right to destroy that. What good would it have done, Jem? I could have ruined it for you, for all of you. I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t have the right—’
‘But you’re my real father,’ Jem sobbed, his bruised face anguished. ‘You should have told me! I should have known.’ I don’t care if you’re complete rubbish. It’s better than being dead!’ And he turned his face into the pillow and sobbed brokenly.
Kate leant forwards, resting a hand on his shoulder, but he shrugged her off, and she bit her lip and tried to stop the tears, but they fell anyway, coursing down her cheeks and dripping off her chin, and then she felt Nick’s arms round her, cradling her gently against his side as he perched on the arm of the chair.
‘Shh. Come on, he’ll be all right,’ he murmured, his voice ragged. ‘He’ll come round.’
‘No, I won’t,’ Jem sobbed from the depths of the pillow. ‘I won’t be all right. Leave me alone! I hate you both! Go away!’
And then she felt Nick shudder, felt the pain tearing through him, and she slid her arms around his waist and hung on.
‘Come on, let’s give him some space,’ he muttered after a few seconds, but she wouldn’t leave him.
‘I can’t go. Not now. You go, leave me with him. I’ll talk to him.’
‘Will you be all right?’
She lifted her tear-stained face to him and tried to smile. ‘I’ll have to be, won’t I? I have to do this, Nick. He’s my son.’
A tremor ran through him, and he stood up. ‘I’ll see you later—I’ll give you an hour. Call me if you need me to come back,’ he said, and, closing the curtains around the bed, he walked swiftly away.
She watched him go, listened to the sound of his footsteps retreating, and then she turned back to Jem, biting her lip and wondering how on earth she could unravel this sorry mess of hurt and lies and broken trust that they’d created.
She had no idea. She just knew she had to find a way.
Tentatively, with nothing but love on her side, she reached out her hand and touched him.
‘I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry,’ she said unsteadily, and after a moment he opened his eyes and turned his head to look at her.
‘Why?’ he asked, his voice breaking. ‘Why didn’t you tell me? I could have kept a secret. All these years, I thought I didn’t have a dad, that I’d never have a dad. And then you met Rob, and I thought maybe he could be my stepdad, but all the time I had a real father, and I didn’t know!’
‘I know. But you do at least know him, even if you didn’t realise he was your father. I’ve made sure you see him regularly, and he knows you, and all about you. I did everything I could under the circumstances. Don’t blame him, Jem. It was my fault, too, and he didn’t have any choice. I kept it from him too. And I’m so sorry we’ve hurt you.’
He sniffed, but the tears still welled, and, unable to bear it, she got up and leant over, taking him gently into her arms, and he burrowed his face into the side of her neck.
Nick held it together just long enough to get out of St Piran, and then he pulled over on the coast road into a parking area, got out of the car and sucked in a lungful of the fresh, salt air.
If he’d been that sort of man, he could have wept bitter, anguished tears for the son he’d let down and all the years that had been lost. Years he couldn’t give him back, years that were gone for
