in a small Dutch village near the town of Gouda. She’d been there ever since.
Even that had been okay to start with. She made two or three visits home a year and I went out there a few times to stay with her. But then she and Xander set up a small business together, designing and marketing bespoke wedding stationery, which took over their lives. Lauren’s visits home became few and far between. She and Xander seemed to prefer to spend what little free time they had on jetting to tropical islands, rather than visiting the UK. And after one terrible trip to see them, when I spent half of my stay alone while they worked, I made the decision not to return.
Once Ella was born I had hoped that Lauren would make more of an effort. When my wife died and I was struggling to manage as a single dad, I thought my big sister would be there for me. However, nothing changed. It was hard to forgive her for that.
The irony was that Lauren and Xander had been brilliant with Ella on the few occasions they had seen her. They’d never had children, nor shown any inclination to do so, and Xander was an only child, so there were no other nieces or nephews on the scene. They’d always lavished Ella with affection before disappearing back to their work-fuelled lives with barely a backward glance.
I was still glad to see them now, though. Lauren had done far worse things in the past than being too busy for me, so I knew from experience that I could never stop loving her. She’d always be my big sister. And even though it was Xander who had taken her abroad, he was a good bloke.
When she first saw them after school, Ella got upset, bursting into tears and running to her room. It was too much for her, that was all, but it made Lauren cry too.
Mum put an arm around her as Dad went upstairs to check on Ella. ‘It doesn’t mean anything, Lauren. Don’t take it personally. That little girl’s been through so much over the past few days, it’s to be expected. Her emotions are all over the place. She’s grieving like the rest of us.’
‘Sorry,’ Lauren said, dabbing her eyes with a tissue. ‘I know that. I don’t know why I let it upset me. I’m all over the place – you ask Xander. I’ve been biting his head off or crying on his shoulder ever since I heard. I can’t believe Will’s gone. I never even got to say goodbye. I’ve been a crap sister, especially the last few years, and I wish I could say sorry. I wish I could tell him how much I love him.’
‘You just did,’ I whispered.
I left Mum comforting Lauren and followed Dad upstairs, where I found him kneeling in front of Ella’s princess castle, the door of which was zipped tightly shut. There was a sobbing sound coming from within the tent.
‘Are you all right, love?’ Dad puffed, out of breath. ‘What’s wrong? You can tell Grandad.’
He didn’t get a reply to start with but continued to coax her into talking.
‘I feel sad,’ Ella replied eventually in a tear-filled voice. ‘Seeing Auntie Lauren reminded me of Daddy. I miss him a lot.’
Dad ran a hand through his neatly cropped hair, which had held on to its dark brown colour far longer than mine, meaning we were now about the same shade of grey. ‘Oh, Ella. Of course you do. I miss him too.’
‘Nana said I’ll only get to see him again when I go to Heaven, so how come he’s in my dreams sometimes?’
My ears pricked up. Did this mean I was somehow getting through to her?
Dad shifted awkwardly into a sitting position, wincing as he straightened his knees. ‘Um, Nana’s right what she told you. Dreams are complicated. They seem real when you’re in them, but they’re not. They’re created by your mind. It’s your memories of your dad that you’re seeing. That doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy them, but you need to remember that it’s not really him.’
I sighed, wishing he hadn’t told her that, even though it was something I would have said once.
Ella unzipped the tent door and looked out with red eyes. ‘Do you think Daddy might come back to visit me before I go to Heaven? I don’t think I can wait that long.’
‘I wish I could tell you that he would. I really do, but that’s not how it works. It’s like Nana told you. You’re not alone, though. You mustn’t forget that. We’re here for you whenever you need us.’ Dad spread his arms wide. ‘Come here, princess. There’s a big hug waiting for you.’
After a while he persuaded Ella to go back downstairs with him. I stayed behind, a cocktail of emotions swirling around my head. I was annoyed at what Dad had told her. But what else could he have said? And what should I make of the fact Ella remembered seeing me in her dreams? Was that really something to take strength from, or was it just like Dad had told her? The unanswered questions were stacking up. I was tempted to call for Lizzie again but didn’t allow myself. There was no point. It would only be like last time. Instead, I calmed myself down and returned to my role as a silent observer.
When the day I’d been dreading finally arrived, I wanted to get it over and done with as soon as possible. My funeral had been delayed by the need for a post-mortem, which had found the cause of my death to be severe head and chest injuries. However, the arrangements were quickly finalized once the coroner released my body.
That morning I found myself wandering aimlessly around the house as everyone got ready to say their goodbyes to me.
‘There’s no need to cry,’ I said to Mum as she shed a silent tear while applying her make-up. ‘I’ve not gone anywhere. I’m still right here. It’s just that none of you can see me.’
I wandered down to the kitchen. Sam was lying in his bed. He looked at me when I entered, yawned and then averted his gaze. ‘Hello?’ I said. ‘You can’t even be bothered to bark at me any more? Brilliant. The only one who can see me has lost interest.’
I heard someone on the stairs behind me and turned to see Ella descending in a knee-length black dress. Mum had bought it for her a couple of days ago, as all the other clothes in her wardrobe were in bright, girly colours. It hadn’t been easy to find, but Mum’s determination – a welcome distraction from her grief – had eventually paid off. Ella looked really pretty, her curls tamed in a tight plait. But her skin looked too pale next to the dark material of the dress and there was a terrible sadness in her eyes. She sat on the bottom step and stared blankly at the front door.
‘My precious girl,’ I said, kneeling before her. ‘I wish you didn’t have to go through this.’ I placed my right hand above hers, just far enough away to avoid being repelled, and told her how much I loved her. ‘You won’t know it, darling, but I’ll be right by your side all day. We’ll get through this together.’
I thought back to all the mornings I’d seen Ella sit on this step before school. I remembered the fruity shampoo smell of her hair as I’d lean over to help her put her shoes on, planting a kiss on her forehead. The two of us had always had such a close bond; I missed that more than anything.
The bell rang as two black silhouettes, one much taller than the other, appeared on the other side of the door’s frosted glass panel. Ella let in Lauren and Xander, who were staying at Mum and
