I confessed that I’d told Sarah about us, he was really upset. He kept saying, “This is a disaster, what if it gets out? What if the rest of the staff find out? I’ll lose my job!” At first I just thought it was because he was a bit of a golden boy, and he didn’t want anybody to know he’d been fraternising with the patients. It turns out there was some daft old-fashioned rule about it.’
Paul smiled. ‘Old Stephen always did have jobsworth tendencies . . . So, tell me more about Sarah.’
As he spoke, he reached out a finger and softly stroked Kate’s forearm. Kate froze, her eyes open wide with shock and pleasure – but Paul wasn’t looking at her. He gave no sign that he was any more aware of this little movement than he’d been by the fact that their legs were touching. She realised that she was more aroused than she had felt for years. This is ridiculous, she thought. I’m so sex-starved that I’ll probably have an orgasm from some guy stroking my arm! She tried, and failed to remember when she’d last had sex. Probably not since Jack was out of nappies.
Paul waited for her to tell him what she’d remembered about Sarah.
She cleared her throat, willing Paul not to stop stroking her. But at the same time, she couldn’t help shuddering at the memory she’d had earlier, while standing on the CRU site, of Sarah emerging with her from the building, as sooty and sick as she herself was.
‘Um . . . So – Sarah. The last time I saw her was after the fire. I can’t remember much about that night, except that she helped carry me out. She was ill too, so I don’t know how she did it. But I do have a distinct image of her lying on the grass outside, coughing. We were all coughing, from the smoke, and the flu. I didn’t see her again after that – I got taken away to this hospital. I’m sure I asked about her, but for the life of me I can’t remember if I got an answer. Then I went off to the States, and didn’t give her another thought, really.’
The stroking was intensifying, long slow swoops up and down her forearm. Kate broke out in goosebumps all over. She wanted to grab Paul and kiss him, but couldn’t bring herself to. He wasn’t even making eye contact with her; his eyes were firmly fixed on the action of his finger running up and down the skin of her arm. Surely this means he fancies me, she thought? She was so out of practice. Perhaps he was just being encouraging . . . oh don’t be ridiculous, Kate, she told herself. Of course it must mean he fancies you. You don’t randomly go around stroking forearms of people you don’t fancy. Not like this, anyhow.
‘More wine?’ She jumped up abruptly, and refilled their glasses. Damn, she thought. Now he’s going to think I wasn’t enjoying it, or it wasn’t appropriate.
But perhaps it wasn’t appropriate. Did she really want him? Or did he just represent the closest thing to Stephen reincarnated that she was ever going to get? She sighed.
Paul looked at her then, and smiled. He patted the bed next to him. ‘So her name was Sarah Evergreen. Why exactly did you call her the Green-Eyed Monster? What was she jealous of ?’
She sat down again. This time, she purposefully sat a little bit closer, so their legs were touching without either of them having to move.
‘She was jealous of me and Stephen. I didn’t much like her, she was a stroppy cow. My sort of age, and quite pretty, with all this red hair, and I was really pleased when I first met her, because I thought she’d be fun. She was, at first, but it soon became clear that she had her eye on Stephen. She didn’t realise that we were already an item, so when she started saying how fit he was, and how she’d love to be pressed against the lab benches by him – you know, that sort of thing – well, it was really difficult. I couldn’t say anything, because it was a big secret that Stephen and I were together. I had to sneak out at night to meet up with him, and it really pissed me off that we couldn’t be open about it – but after a while I just couldn’t keep listening to Sarah going on and on about cute he was, and what she was planning to say to him to get him interested in her – it was painful! And believe me, she really went on about it. There wasn’t much else to do in there, apart from watching TV, so she’d made Stephen her little project. Eventually I decided I just had to tell her.’
‘What did she say?’
Kate frowned. ‘Again, I can’t really remember. She wasn’t happy, that’s for sure. But we were both quite ill by then – it must have been a day or two before the fire. I suspect that if we’d both been feeling well, we’d have had a big row, but I think she was too out of it to do much other than moan and bitch at me.’ She shuddered. ‘Ugh. She was a pain in the ass. I do remember lying on my bed with a temperature, and her whining away on the other side of the room. I wanted to swat her like a mosquito. But I didn’t have the energy. I felt too crap.’
‘So you both had colds?’
Kate hesitated. She wished Paul would start stroking her arm again, but apart from their legs touching, he wasn’t doing anything other than listening. She hoped she hadn’t given out signals that she didn’t want to. Although more than likely this was exactly what she’d done, since she wasn’t sure that she did want to . . . It was all a bit weird. The last thing she’d expected to happen on arrival back in England was to meet a new man. Let alone Stephen’s bloody twin brother! It was insane. She tried to concentrate on the conversation, and not on Paul’s solid, sexy proximity.
‘Well. I suppose at the time I assumed I had really bad flu. But now I think back to it . . . it wasn’t like any flu I’ve ever had. I suppose it could have just been that my temperature was so high that it felt worse than it was. But the only time I’ve ever felt more ill was when I was a kid, with the same disease that my parents . . . well, you know . . . died of.’
She felt uncomfortable, in case Paul thought she was courting sympathy, but to her gratitude, he reacted in a completely matter-of-fact way.
‘Do you think it could have been something else you had? Some other illness, I mean?’
‘All I can say is that it didn’t feel like flu. And certainly not like any sort of cold. But it’s all such a blur, and then the fire broke out, and all I can really remember after that was what I told you before, about being in that hospital weeks later, and Leonard telling me I’d got a “Congratulatory First”, as they called them at Oxford, and he’d arranged for me to go to Harvard. Anything else just comes in flashes. Or nightmares.’ She paused again. ‘I have a lot of nightmares. But at the time, if I was thinking rationally at all, it wasn’t about the fire, or Sarah, or how ill I’d been . . . It was about Stephen. All I could think about was how I’d lost him, and how it felt as if I’d never be happy again.’
She stopped, her voice thick and choked with sudden tears. It felt insensitive for him to see her eyes so full. When she glanced at him, hoping he hadn’t noticed, she saw with shock that there were tears running down his cheeks too.
‘Oh god, I’m so sorry,’ she said, instinctively reaching out to him and putting her arms around him. ‘I only knew him for a few months – and he was your twin. It must be so much worse for you.’
He swiped his face with the back of his hand, and leaned into her embrace. ‘No, I’m sorry. I’m not usually a crier, honest. In fact, I probably haven’t cried since he died – apart from when Southampton got relegated, of course.’ He smiled ruefully, and Kate was reminded even more strongly of Stephen. He used to have that same self-deprecating humour too. And, if she remembered rightly, Stephen also used to support the Saints, Southampton’s football team.
‘It’s not nice to see you upset about him, but it’s kind of amazing to be with someone who understands the loss, and who loved him too. I know
