one on tail-end batsman Derek Underwood (breaking the unwritten rule of those pre-helmet days that bouncers were not bowled at guys down the order who were unable to defend themselves, let alone chucked at them) the sadness and anger in John’s voice were impressively moving, even to the ears of an eleven-year-old.
‘Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,’ John growled. Then he paused for what seemed an eternity, before adding: ‘Griffith has thrown in his bouncer.’
The double-meaning was quite deliberate and it left you in no doubt as to how far John believed Charlie had overstepped the line. Listening to him was almost scary. He sounded like a policeman issuing a final warning to an errant teenager in the days when that meant something. You could tell how good John must have been at his first job, a country copper on the beat.
My first encounter with John came when I was a sixteen-year-old on the Somerset groundstaff. I arrived at the county ground in Taunton one morning to perform the usual duties of looking after the first-team guys and fetching Brian Close his fags and a copy of The Sporting Life, when I was approached by the secretary, Jimmy James, who told me he had a job that needed doing.
I was to meet Mr Arlott of the BBC in the car park and help him take his equipment up the rickety stairs to the radio box. Until that moment I hadn’t realized they made lip-mikes and earphones out of glass. Once there, John thanked me, sat himself down, opened up the basket, laid out his French bread, cheese and pâté, popped open one of the bottles of claret, offered me a glass and began the first of a thousand conversations we enjoyed over the next 20-odd years. I never forgot the gesture.
Like every other cricket-mad youngster I knew who John Arlott was, but he wouldn’t have known this no-account young scruff from Adam. Yet he took the time and the trouble for a convivial chat, and gave me the impression he was genuinely interested in what I had to say. The wine and cheese were delicious, too.
John was a man of strong opinions and he expressed them forcibly. If he felt someone deserved criticism he would not shirk from making it, as he proved when filling in the section entitled ‘race’ included in the immigration form for entry to South Africa just after the Second World War. ‘Human,’ he wrote. But his most enduring quality was a generosity of spirit that never ceased to amaze those who knew what sadness he’d had to endure in his personal life.
Until his dying day John wore a black tie in remembrance of the son who died in a car crash in the sports car John had given him for his 21st birthday. And towards the end of his life chronic emphysema meant that he needed constant medical care and the use of a nebulizer. For a man who was blessed with such wonderful powers of communication and conversation, the frustration of having to take minutes to say only a few words must have been unimaginable.
There is no doubt that by the time he decided to quit in 1980 he had fallen out of love with some aspects of the modern game. He never rammed the old days down your throat, but, although he understood the players’ perspective over the Packer affair that split the game, he longed for gentler, less materialistic times. He loved the way I approached cricket, for instance, which was to try to win, while having fun as well, and he feared that as time progressed the fun simply would not survive.
He took his leave from his devoted listeners in typically undemonstrative fashion. Declining the offer from Test Match Special producer, Peter Baxter, to do the final stint of the Centenary Test between England and Australia at Lord’s in 1980, he stuck to the rota he had adhered to for donkey’s years and finished with: ‘… and after a few words from Trevor Bailey, it will be Christopher Martin-Jenkins.’ And when the man on the public-address system announced to the crowd that John had made his final broadcast for Test Match Special, he missed the applause led by the players on the field because he was at the back of the commentary box being interviewed for the PM programme.
After I bought a place on his home Channel Island of Alderney, our chats were just as regular and, health permitting, sometimes just as animated.
‘Come to the house, Ian,’ he would telephone me, ‘and bring your thirst with you.’ We often disagreed violently on various issues – his politics were as far removed from mine as it is possible to be – but however harrowing the experience was of seeing him fighting to get his words out, they were always, always worth the wait.
It was during one of these conversations, many years later, that John told me the biggest regret of his career was that, by retiring when he did he missed the chance to describe the events of the 1981 Ashes series, Headingley and all. Come to think of it, that is probably one of the biggest regrets of my career too.
There is, of course, a perfectly innocent explanation for the moment I was stopped by police on Wimbledon Common with a six-foot blow-up doll of Mr Blobby and the star of soft-porn movie classic Confessions of a Window Cleaner.
I’d been invited by actor and bon viveur Robin Askwith to appear in pantomime with him during one of those winters when that other seasonal cabaret, the England cricket team, had set off on tour without me. ‘Squiffy’ – as he is known to his mates – has been a good friend for many years.
On the 1990–91 Ashes tour of Australia, when David Gower and John Morris were fined by the England management for hiring a Tiger Moth and ‘buzzing’ the Carrara Oval, it was Squiffy who responded by chartering a plane that flew over the Adelaide Oval during the fourth Test a few days later, trailing a banner which read ‘Gower and Morris are innocent.’ Gower thought the stunt was hilarious; needless to say, tour manager Peter Lush was less amused.
Anyway, during this 10-week stint treading the boards at Wimbledon, I decided a life-size inflatable of Mr Blobby – a character enjoying popular appeal on a madcap Noel Edmonds TV show – would make a perfect Christmas present for my youngest daughter, Becky. After the performance one night, Squiffy and I took the short-cut back across Wimbledon Common as usual to our hotel at 1 am … with this conspicuous, pink-and-yellow latex lunatic for company. Some of the looks we got from late-night revellers swaying home from the pub were priceless – and then came a flashing blue light.
I can’t remember exactly how the conversation went, but once the police had established there was nothing sinister about our behaviour, they released all three of us – Squiffy, Botham and Blobby – without a caution and they accepted that the blow-up doll was all part of the pantomime buffoonery. Back at the hotel, Mr Blobby took up residence in the doorway between our adjoining rooms and he scared the life out of one night porter who brought us sandwiches on room service, only to find this rubbery monster answering the door. Becky? She loved her Christmas present. She thought it was mind-blowing.
Panto with Squiffy was always a lark. He’s one of the funniest men I’ve ever met – a natural comedian. But he is also one of the vainest. Every morning, from the room next door, I would hear him asking, ‘Mirror, mirror, on the wall – who is the fairest of them all?’ And after a couple of strokes of the comb, the same voice would reply, ‘Why, Squiffy, of course!’ He was also paranoid about catching colds or the ‘flu, in case his speaking voice disintegrated into a croak, and he did more for the sales of Lemsip and Sudafed than anyone I’ve ever known. Just one sniffle, or one cough, and Robin was convinced he had contracted some weird, incurable disease.
For all the sachets in his medicine cabinet, however, Squiffy is a talented guy and great company, serious enough about his work to be a thorough professional, but also modest enough to laugh at himself. He is probably best-known for those Confessions films. One night, after appearing together in Dick Whittington at the Theatre Royal in Bath, we returned to our hotel, turned on the TV and there he was,
