while later, Judy drags me to the Bellyfiller for lunch, which is fine, because I’m not hungry. The place is packed with middle managers. They sit behind combination meat sandwiches, pretending not to be interested in the soap opera on the big-screen TV. I tell Judy about the car that drove by my parents’ house and about the note in the morning mail. It sounds more farfetched than the soap and takes almost as long to tell. Judy’s finished dessert by the time I’ve finished the story.
“Brent’s right,” she says with finality. “I think Ned wrote the note. It makes the most sense. He wants to make partner so bad he can taste it.”
“More than we do?”
“Sure. He has a famous daddy to live up to, remember? And the firm is his whole life. It’s all he has.”
Judy’s words echo inside my head. It’s all I have, too. That must be why I obsess over it and she doesn’t. I take a gulp of water from a smudgy glass.
“We don’t know enough to say whether the car’s connected to the note, but it seems more likely than not. And for some reason, call it sexism, I find it hard to believe that a woman would be stalking you in a car. So Delia’s out.”
“Yeah, I guess.” I feel tense and confused. On the big-screen TV, a gigantic nurse looks tense and confused. My life, parodied before my eyes. I try to block out the TV, but it’s as hard to ignore as the huge clock in my office window. Big, scary things seem to be everywhere I go lately, like a nightmare of Claes Oldenburg’s.
“Do you ever see the car in the daytime?”
“No.”
“That’s consistent with someone who works during the day.”
“Everybody at Stalling, in other words.”
Judy thinks a minute. “Have you thought about calling the cops?”
“Brent wants me to, but I hate to do that. The last thing I need right now is an investigation in the department. I might as well kiss my career good-bye.”
“Hmmm. I see your point. Let’s not do the freak yet, let’s see if it blows over. I’ll be your bodyguard in the meantime. How does that sound?”
I consider this. “I can’t afford to feed you.”
“Very funny.”
On the TV, two monster nurses are discussing whether somebody will live through the week. Their glossy mouths are the size of swimming pools. A commercial for a mile-high can of Crisco comes on.
“Mary?”
“Yeah?”
“You look spaced. Listen, it’s okay to be upset about this. I don’t blame you. It’s spooky.”
“It’s not just the car, Jude. It’s everything.”
“What do you mean?” She sets down her milkshake.
“I don’t know what I mean. What I mean doesn’t make sense.”
“So tell me what you’re thinking. It doesn’t matter if it makes sense.”
I look at Judy’s blue eyes, so wide-set and uncluttered. I’m reminded of how different we are. There’s a whole country between us. She’s so free and openhearted, like the West Coast, and I’m so—well, East. Burdened with my own history, dark and falling apart. “I don’t know. Forget it, Jude. It’s stupid.”
“Come on, Mary. Let’s talk about it.”
“I don’t know.”
“Try it.”
“All right.” I take another gulp of water. “It’s just that lately, like after my argument for Harbison’s, I hear this … voice. Not that I’m hearing voices, like Son of Sam or something, not like that.”
“No German shepherds,” she says with a smile.
“No. Sometimes the voice sounds like Mike, you know? Not the tone of it, I mean, but what it says. It sounds just like something he would say. Something right. Am I explaining this okay?”
“You’re doing fine.”
I take a deep breath. “You know the expression, what goes around comes around?”
She nods patiently. Her long silver earrings swing back and forth.
“Sometimes I think that the car, and now the note, are happening for a reason. And I think it’s going to get worse unless I change something. Do something different, do something better. I think Mike, or the voice—whoever, is trying to tell me that.”
She frowns deeply. “You think you did something to cause the note? And the guy in the car?”
It strikes a chord. That’s exactly how I feel. I nod yes, and am surprised to feel my chest blotching up.
“That’s crazy. You didn’t do anything, Mary. Somebody’s jealous of you. It’s not your fault.”
I feel flushed and hot. There’s no water left in my glass.
“What is this, some Italian thing? Some Mediterranean version of karma?”
“I don’t know.”
Judy looks sympathetic. “It’s nothing you did, Mary. You did not cause this. You are not responsible for it. If it doesn’t go away, which I sincerely hope it does, we’ll deal with it. We’ll figure it out together.”
Judy gives me a bone-crushing squeeze and we leave the restaurant. We decide not to walk around after lunch, and she buys us both some shoestring licorice from a candy store on the basement level. She says it’ll cheer me up, but she ends up being wrong about that.
I’m back at my desk at 1:58, wrestling with my fears and the Noone brief. After it’s finished, I send it along to the partner in charge, Timothy Jameson. I do a good job because every partner gets a vote in the partnership election, and I can’t afford to screw anything up at this point. I tally the votes for the third time today—I’m like an anorexic, counting the same few calories over and over. If Berkowitz votes for me, I might have the requisite votes right there, but there’s a faction that hates Berkowitz, and Jameson’s in it. The election will be close. My head begins to thunder.
In the afternoon, I’m in the chambers of the Honorable Morton A. Weinstein, resident genius of the district court. Judy calls him Einstein, naturally. Einstein is stoop-shouldered, with a frizzy pate of silvery hair. Steely half-moon reading glasses make him look even smarter. He’s flanked by a geeky law clerk who mousses with margarine Even the geeks want to look like Pat Riley.
We’re sitting at a chestnut-veneer conference table to discuss my new case, Hart v. Harbison’s, which, to my dismay, is a stone-cold loser. I’d spent the cab ride to the courthouse skimming the thin case file as I looked out the window for the dark car. I don’t know which worried me more. I’ve seen bad discrimination cases in my time—evidence of the shitting upon of every minority in the rainbow—but Hart is the worst. I’d settle the case instantly if
