strengthen my resolve for the hours and days to come. Having him basically mouth the very words I was feeling was deflating, to say the least. But what could I expect? No training can prepare you to deal with this type of tragedy. This wasn’t just a normal death. It wasn’t the end of a physical illness that we had all anticipated and for which we had prepared. No. This was far worse. This was murder! The taking of a life through violence leaves a far worst taste in your mouth then a so-called “normal” death. As perplexing as death can be, murder makes things even more confusing. There is no reasoning it through. No making sense of why it happened. No sense of being able to stop it if you tried. There is a complete helplessness and anger. I knew how John felt because I too was lost in a haze of confusion. I didn’t know how to handle this tragedy either. However, my response surprised me:
“I don’t know what to do either, so let’s do it anyway!”
It emboldened me and became my private rallying call to action. It was such a simple yet profound statement, and I understood, deep in my soul, in those few confusing words, that it is okay to not know what to do.
It was a declaration of failure. Yet when I said it, I felt God leaping up within my soul in response to my words. It was as if this statement was exactly what God had been waiting for me to say so that He could have the freedom to take over. I would repeat it several times a day. These eleven words of confusing surrender and trust in God became my mantra. It inspired me to basically drop everything I was doing. I cleared my schedule, disappeared from my office and just hung out in the community, not knowing what to do other than just being present and available to God’s work in me, through me and to the community around me.
I realized that this is what ministry is all about—not knowing, but just doing. It is this wonderful prayer of submissive action that God longs to hear from His children. It is only through these prayers of trustful surrender that our souls are emptied and consequently enabled to be opened for the infilling of God’s Spirit. God’s nearness to us can only be experienced when we get to the point in our lives where we sincerely ask Him to take over because we have no confidence in our own strength. Prayers of surrender, rendered from broken souls, have the spiritual power to unleash a person from any dependency on their own fleshly abilities. Surrendered souls are able and willing to be open vessels to be filled with God’s power. The true essence of being a Christian is to surrender my agenda and to be present in the moment and available to God to use me any way He wants. In this way, He is freed up inside of me and His activity just happens all around me.
The result of this authentic openness to God was astounding. Complete strangers came to me to talk about spiritual matters, friendships of trust were developed, love was felt and spontaneous prayer meetings naturally occurred on street corners. True relational, down-to-earth, out-of-the-church-facility, on-the-streets ministry was happening because God’s Spirit was active, filling my emptied surrendered soul with His presence, so that wherever I went, He was there. I was submitted to the Lord like never before. My agenda, strategies and dreams were replaced by God’s presence. God moved through me to those around me, not because I am qualified or have any brilliant skills. I just made myself open and available to Him by admitting that I didn’t know what to do. I was simply present and available to God and the community.
This needs to be the battle cry of every Christian: “I don’t know what to do so let’s do it anyway.” Not having all the answers or skills to do ministry is a great thing to admit. Instead of letting our lack of ability or deficiency in knowledge stop us, it actually encourages us to go forth, totally trusting God for His skills and His words to do ministry. This is the way it should be. After all, it is His ministry, not yours. This is what walking by faith is all about. All those saints who were used mightily by God as mentioned in Hebrews 11 never had a seminary or university degree—but the one thing they all had in common was faith.
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