churches to practice Baal religion unknowingly, and causing ministers to lie about Christ’s birthday. After the charges were read and the sentence pronounced, an eight-foot dummy in a Santa suit was taken to the nearest tree and hanged as about a dozen children looked on, giggling.”
On the corner of Union and Buchanan Streets in San Francisco, Santa is seen driving his reindeer and sleigh. The reindeer and sleigh are made of 6,000 pounds of ice and carved by Andrew Young.
Percy Ross, “the original Jewish” Santa Claus who gave away money to black schoolchildren on a New York Street, said, “I do it because I’m luckier than most and because every day is Christmas to me.” Commented one child, “the dude’s all right,” Associated Press reports. United Press International says that three billion Christmas cards will be exchanged with gross sales higher than last year’s 1.2 billion dollars. On the cards, Santa is depicted as a golfer, a tennis player, a long-distance runner, and a jogger. Nicholas changes with the times, running neck and neck with Jesus Christ; the Vatican would like to ruin this Saint. The writer says that Clement Clark Moore, author of “A Visit from St. Nicholas,” wouldn’t recognize him anymore.
In 1979 one “streetwise” Santa said, “These kids today, I’ll tell you, they’re seven going on forty. They’re not kids for very long. When I first started as a Santa they’d believe in Santa Claus until they were about eight or nine.”
The Times reported that Steven Jones, an assistant professor of comparative studies at Ohio State University, proclaimed Santa Claus a sexist fertility symbol. “There is an aura of expectancy surrounding Santa’s arrival, and he is rotund in the same way as a pregnant woman.” Jones said Santa gives things and comes down the chimney, a characteristic of the stork of another myth. “Santa is a male character who has usurped a female’s role.”
A Christmas poll is taken of American women, 75 percent of whom say they are sexually dissatisfied. Two ominous headlines apear: Arctic Air Keeps Nation Frigid, and After Divorce, Who Gets Custody of Christmas?
“An ultimate machine—a device that would mine the moon, a planet or an asteroid and use the raw materials to make anything anyone knows how to make including an exact replica of itself” was described by Science Digest as a “Santa Claus machine.”
While combating squatters in Amsterdam, the police bring in Santa Claus to add some humor. In England, Father Christmas is arrested for taking photos of children and selling them for $4.95. He is told that he can’t return to his favorite spot until after Christmas, on January 5th.
Although Dick Powell starred in a 1940s movie called Christmas in July, the traditional beginning of the American Christmas falls on Thanksgiving Day. Of the first Thanksgiving, Professor James Deetz has written that for three days in 1621, the Anglo settlers got up in jackboots, felt hats, and plumes to dine on, not turkey, but eel, an Indian named Squanto taught them to hunt in the creeks and swamps near their settlements. Some local Indians contributed deer and helped the settlers put away pumpkin soup and gallons of booze. The first Anglo settlers had robust Elizabethan appetites, liked fancy clothes, and did a considerable amount of “wenching.”
In the United States, millions of TV eyes are focused upon the Thanksgiving Day Parade which is sponsored annually by Macy’s department store. Two bosses of important retail chains watch the parade from a tinted-window, chauffeur-driven Cadillac. Brothers Herman and George Schneider both wear top hats, black-and-white striped pants, tails, shiny black shoes. Herman rests his hands on a cane.
2
“This parade ought to perk up the trade,” said the first boss, sipping a scotch and holding a cigar with a free hand. “Weather’s just right. Maybe the industry will top the six billion we made last year.”
“We’ll be lucky if we break even. Things look pretty bad to me. You heard about Korvettes, didn’t you? Out of business, interest rates too high. J.C. Penney’s phasing out some of its stores, too. It’s going to cost them fifteen million dollars to close them down,” the second boss said. “It’s all Carter’s fault. Him and the Federal Reserve.”
“Don’t blame it on Carter. Blame it on the Arabs.”
“The Arabs don’t have long. They’ll run out of oil in the late eighties and then we’ll have to bail them out. You see them in Paris, dancing with French girls and in London spending cash on every frivolous thing. I heard that one of them wanted to buy the Alamo, in San Antonio, Texas.”
“The Alamo? Why would he want to buy the Alamo?” A huge replica of Kermit the Frog floated by.
“Because his son went to school near there, and was impressed with the legend of the Alamo.” A group of clowns holding balloons walked by.
“We’re taking a beating on those quilt down coats. The women say they can’t move comfortably into their station wagons wearing those coats.”
“Yeah, but the toys are selling well. Especially the computer games. There’s also a rush on microwave ovens.”
“If American labor made better stuff we could sell it. If it isn’t sick leave they cost us money by carrying home the goods. They have no loyalty to us any more. That’s why the Japs are ahead of us. Did you see that little Jap sucker on TV the other night? He said that America can’t be good at everything all the time and that we must allow some nations to be at least pretty good at some things. I felt like pushing my fist right through the TV and mashing in that little Jap’s face. Boy, was he rubbing it in. Reagan will take care of them. The Japs and Iranians, the blacks and all the rest.”
“A fine fellow. He has a closet full of Levi Strauss jeans. They got him on the cover of Hour-Glass magazine in a blue denim shirt. He’ll help the industry. He’s a sharp dresser and well-groomed. Every sixteen days he gets a haircut.”
“That issue of Hour-Glass isn’t even out. How did you know all of that?”
“There’s this kid down in hardware. His name is Oswald Zumwalt. He has some great ideas. His wife is a copy editor at Hour-Glass. She gets advance copies. He’s always bringing me copies of Hour-Glass before it reaches the stands. I like the kid. He’s very ambitious. He’s inviting me over for dinner, later this afternoon. You know, since Grace died, I haven’t gone out so much. It’s nice to have someone make dinner for you. Anyway, Zumwalt says that we could cut costs if the whole industry got behind one Santa Claus and made this Santa Claus available only to those who could pay. We would charge people admission to come into the stores and have their kids consult Santa Claus. He said that Santa Claus is too dispersed as it is. Zumwalt’s very smart. Hyperkinetic, but smart. He says we could cut down on labor costs by doing what the Japanese do.”
“What do the Japs do?”
“Hire robots. He says that in Japan the robots work alongside humans so that the humans have to work harder to keep up. He says that they already have robots who can take over from the models.”
“The women would never go for that. They want flesh and blood, ass and tits.”
“They can create women. You ever see that film, The Stepford Wives? Well, in this film there’s this mad professor in a New England town who is turning all of these women into robots. All of them pushing shopping carts, smiling, behaving themselves. You couldn’t tell the difference.”
“I see what you mean, Herman.” Cinderella in a low-cleavaged gown danced on a float with her Prince Charming. The float was shaped like a castle. The two men stared.
“Maybe
