comfortable with ministering the gospel that I had decided was false. As a result, I would find reasons to cancel our rehearsals and would delay our schedule to minister at church. I was convinced that God had completely abandoned me and that His presence was no longer in my life.
Each week, I would sit alone drowning in depression in my hotel room. The mere thought of food made me sick so my diet consisted of sleeping pills and wine, with occasional coffee or tea at work. Everything in me, on me, and about me was hurting so I just wanted to be numb or sleep. I never consciously attempted or planned to end my own life, but I would often think, “What if I do not wake up tomorrow morning and this is the last time that I close my eyes?” Honestly, I would not ponder that thought very long because I wanted to consume my sleeping pill and wine as soon as possible. I was in such a rush to not feel any pain that allowing my mind to contemplate anything else would have been too much time being wasted. Beyond that, I also did not consider the price of my addiction because my immediate relief was far more important to me at that time. Ultimately, my emotional paralysis became my place of refuge and comfort instead of God.
9
Saunya M. Williams, Ph.D.
After several months, I had done so much to become detached from the world and God that I did not even recognize myself in the mirror. One morning in my hotel, I clearly heard, “Saunya, you are going to die, if you do not pull yourself together.” The words were very simple, yet the delivery was so profound that I could ignore neither the message nor the messenger. Despite my blatant rejection and dismissal of God, I heard His voice loud and clear on that morning.
I responded back to God with a voice of triumph and declared that it was time for me to live again! At that moment, I began to think about what it meant for me to really live and realign myself with God. I went to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary for the definition of live, but I did not consider the various definitions to be sufficient fuel for my journey. As a result, I created the L.I.V.E. Commitment, which I defined as the following:
I will LOVE myself
I will INVEST in myself
I will find VICTORY in myself
I will ENCOURAGE myself
The L.I.V.E. Commitment quickly became the foundation for my healing and motivated me to remove the mask that I had worn for over two decades. Previously, I had believed that my testimony should be permanently hidden within the walls of my proverbial closet because I feared that exposing my truth would only lead to judgment by others. On the contrary, the exposure granted me with a liberty, and a reward that I could have never imagined. I was finally free from the shame of being molested as a child. I was able to feel guiltless and to be transparent for the first time in my life. Through the L.I.V.E. Commitment, God brought me out of the darkness that had been my place of solace for so many years. The real me was revealed, and a whole new world was before me.
11
Chapter 1
LOVE
Love can be expressed by using verbal as well as non-verbal communication. Some people express genuine and unselfish love toward others with ease. Some people depend on the love of others as a sense of security and validation. Love is a powerful force of emotion and stimulates people to act in a variety of ways. Unfortunately, I believe that love is too often misinterpreted, misused, and misplaced. In addition, I recognize that many people are in bondage, but they do not realize the existence of their personal chains. An external force is not always the culprit of bondage, but bondage can also be self-inflicted. In either case, bondage can influence how you determine your personal value and affect how you love yourself. I ask, “Do you love yourself ‘outside-in’ or ‘inside-out’”?
Outside-In Type
I describe the “outside-in” type as a person who concentrates on presenting an appearance that is highly commended by others in an effort to conceal an internal struggle. In simple words, this type of person relies on external success to eliminate internal mess. I have discovered that this type of person does not possess humility as a strong suit while trying to deny an internal struggle. I am talking about an internal struggle like, but not limited to, bitterness, shame, insecurity, self-esteem or unforgiveness. I believe that misguided blame can also lead to
12
I Choose to L.I.V.E.
a person not realizing the existence of an internal struggle. For example, some people will look away from themselves rather than toward themselves for the source of their problem.
The outside-in type tries to create an environment that enables their rewards of the external world to dominate their internal struggle. The goal is to empower external success so much that the internal struggle becomes dormant or seemingly non-existent all together. Unfortunately, this type of person has failed to recognize that it is impossible to conquer anything that he or she is not willing to confront. In the end, the outside-in type of person uses external success to create a facade that everyone else has come to believe is unpretentious.
Furthermore, the outside-in type of person is also more susceptible to being controlled by bondage. This person can become so engulfed in maintaining a fabricated character that their bondage may not be realized. To accompany this type, I have classified the following four categories of bondage: Material Possession, Professional Achievement, Social Status, and Aesthetic Appeal.
These four categories are not innately harmful, but these categories are often manipulated in a way that leads to an unhealthy relationship. Typically, bondage does not operate alone and partners up with a type of mask or camouflage. In this setting, I define bondage as what holds a person captive and camouflage as how that person dwells in that particular captivity. The outside-in type of person is a camouflage champion and focuses on concealing or altering the truth.
Material Possession
I define the bondage of Material Possession as when a person allows their personal value to be held hostage to the tangible property that they have acquired. I am referring to tangible items like clothing, houses, vehicles, and other things that are obtained to accommodate a person’s desires. I am also talking about the material items that even cause some people to live beyond their financial resources. Some people are simply
13
Saunya M. Williams, Ph.D.
inspired by the material possessions that are popular in current culture, and some people are enamored by brand name.
When looking at an item, the item is often qualified and categorized by the reputation of its brand name. For example, certain brands are classified as having high quality and financial esteem while some brands are classified as having inferior quality and less incentive. The brand name is commonly used to make a statement about class and prestige. Personally, I agree that the brand name has the ability to make a particular item more or less attractive to a consumer. I also recognize that presumptions, whether positive or negative, are often made about an item based upon its brand.
Many of us are guilty of assessing other people or even ourselves with criteria that is similar to how we assess a brand. Do you feel that you are more qualified because of the brand of your material possessions? I have discovered that a lot of people will have a highly decorated exterior, but they have an extremely deteriorated interior. In addition, I believe that a lot of people spend too much time trying to imitate a brand instead of creating their own brand.
By creating your own brand, I am not suggesting that you should ever be for sale. I am referring to how
