that comes with trying to control things that are not yours to control. Here is an exercise to help you sort out which things to focus your energy the most.
Spheres of Control
On a blank piece of paper, draw three circles as follows:
1 1.A large circle filling most of the page. Label it “No control”
2 2.Inside that circle, draw a smaller circle. Label it “Some control.”
3 3.Inside the second circle, draw a third smaller circle. Label it “Total control”
Write in each circle, things in your life that fit each category. Things like the weather and traffic and what others think or say to you – many of the things that can cause you stress or suck your energy, are in the “No control” circle. Your thoughts, your schedule, everyday routines, may fall in the “Some Control” circle. Few things may fall in the total control circle but a key one does fall there – your actions. Humm…I wonder would happen if you channelled all of your “control” energy there?
Expect others’ expectations to masquerade as your own
You will feel the pull of the expectations of others (or social norms of the day). You already have your hands full shuffling and sorting the expectations you create for yourself; let them do the same with their own. When you identify an expectation, see if you can instantly decide if it really belongs with you. The Owner’s Manual process can help you move from using external drivers and rules to internal values and guidelines for your eating choices – if you let it. Clearing the expectations of others out of your path can help smooth the way.
Expect the expected unexpected
Surprise! You overate again at Thanksgiving dinner. Surprise! When you went into the break room on treat day, you ate two donuts and a brownie. Surprise! You’re eating every sugary carb you can get your hands on three days before your period starts. The realities you encounter are repetitive. Some repeat more frequently than others, but for the most part, there is more predictability in the unexpected than your brain allows you to believe there is. On one hand, you know these unexpected things are getting in the way of your goals. On the other hand, calling them unexpected means you get to be a victim to them and don’t have to expect yourself to do anything about them. It feels icky to acknowledge that, but as much as this hinders you, it also serves you, right? It means you cannot be held accountable to your actions. It is a kind way to give yourself an easy out – “I didn’t know!” “I was caught off guard.”
As you get curious in your Owner’s Manual process, get curious about the patterns in these unexpected realities of your life. Don’t allow yourself to be surprised and be victim to things that are not really a surprise at all. Get these things in your Owner’s Manual. Record how often they tend to happen. Look at how you’ve handled that (or other things like that) in the past and what worked and what didn’t. Practice pausing and making your action a choice, and see what happens. There is power in owning your choice even if that choice is to eat three donuts on treat day. So the next time it happens, instead of being all, “Oh my gosh! You won’t believe what happened!” be all, “There’s this thing again. I got this. I choose X this time.”
Expect that part of being human is dealing with B.S.
From a young age, you are led to believe that a good happy life is a life mostly free from trouble and strife, that feeling blissfully happy, almost all the time, is the destination to strive for. You can imagine yourself running, arms outstretched, through a field of flowers. This is not about bursting bubbles or being pessimistic (I might be one of the most optimistic people on the planet). It’s about giving you every opportunity to actually live the real version of your happiest life. The version that includes moving through joy and bliss and dark and difficult, the version that includes happiness despite the ridiculous number of horrible things that happen in your life and everyone else’s all the time, from now until you die.
As my mentor Angela Lauria so eloquently put it, “And that’s never ever going to change. No day in the future when it’s changing. There’s no amount of money, there’s no new husband, there’s no computer gadget. Fifty percent of being human is dealing with B.S. News flash.”
An expectation of perpetual bliss creates additional, unnecessary struggle in a world that gives us enough. It gets in the way of being free to learn how to embrace and celebrate your normal life in all its mess and glory. Think about building your Owner’s Manual in the context of your real life, one that includes regular B.S. and stuff going sideways. If you build your Manual based on your perfect day – when all the stars align, the kids and dog and partner are happy, you hit all the green lights on the way to the office – you won’t be able to rely on it most of the time.
Expect trade-offs and choose yours
Getting back in alignment is a lot about trade-offs. Not trade-offs that others force you to make, trade-offs you get to make based on what matters most to you. Everything comes at the cost of something else: cost of time, opportunity cost because doing one thing means you are not doing something else. When you expect trade-offs, you give yourself the opportunity to be deliberate about choosing the trade-off you want to make. You get to choose to spend your energy and time in the places that matter most to you.
When you allow yourself to expect to do all the things, you rob yourself of making that choice. When it comes to your health and fitness and nutrition, there are trade-offs just like everywhere else. Precision Nutrition created a fantastic infographic that shows different levels of leanness for Men and Women and gives guidelines about what it takes to get there. It’s titled The Cost of Getting Lean. Take a look:
https://www.precisionnutrition.com/cost-of-getting-lean-infographic
Based on this model, what would you have to do more of and what would you have to do less of based on where you want to be? It may be a sobering look at how your expectations align with the rest of your life. How much do you really want to focus on eating a specific way, and optimizing sleep and exercise as part of your life? What would you have to give up or trade-off in order to do that? Take a look and see where you are. There is no right or wrong answer; that’s the whole point. Take a look at the graphic, think about what level of fitness and leanness you want, and see if the steps needed to get there are in alignment with the other things that matter in your life right now.
My goal in this book is to help you clear the path to health and nutrition alignment in your life. I can give you some clear and simple steps, but I can’t make them all easy even if I wanted to. You can change how your journey feels by practicing seeing and stepping into your reality and checking if the expectations you hold for yourself are helping you or hurting you. Build your Owner’s Manual based on the real life you are living now. Adjust your expectations to shrink the gap and tension between where you are and where you think you should be. Create a greater level of ownership and alignment by moving from external drivers and rules to internal values and guidelines around food and eating. Take action, and close that gap between what you know and what you do.
Chapter 5:
Get Curious - Awareness, Curiosity, and Compassion
